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2003-08-17 @ 11:28 p.m.
Tips for your waitress

My Mom took me to breakfast two Sundays ago and about 2/3 of the way through our meal, she said, I bet you're wondering why I'm not talking very much. I never question nirvana, but I played along. My mother lives on about 3 hours of sleep a night and then talks continuously on the phone all day.

We were eating in this little diner which is about 500 yards from my apartment. Its a very busy place. Small, but popular in my little town. Only about 15 booths and they only serve breakfast. One waitress, an older woman, usually wears a tiara. One time when I was depressed during the winter months, she gave me a pep talk when my mother was in the bathroom. Didn't ask for it, but it was a pretty good one. Something to the effect that life gets better after it gets worst.

But today we were being served by Gwen (name changed to protect the innocent). My Mom knows her husband, Tom (also changed to protect the innocent) since he is her computer techie guy. He helped get her a computer when her last one kicked the bucket. When my Mom isn't on the phone, she's on AOL.

So anyways, my Mom leans in close to me, looks around to make sure Gwen isn't within earshot, and says, "I know a secret. You promise not to tell?" I am always asked this at least once during every conversation with my mother. Who am I going to tell? My cat? With all the medications I take I doubt if I can even remember the beginning of the story by time she's finishes it. But this I remember.

Evidently, my 77 year old Mom's computer techie friend sent her an e-mail which said, "I hope you have an open mind." And there were two photos attached to the e-mail. They were both fairly dark, but it was fairly obvious what they were doing. A woman giving a man oral sex. And the second photo, which was a little less blurry and a little better lit, had a familiar face on it. Giving it her all....our waitress, Gwen, computer techie's wife.

I was actually surprised my mother let me in on this. I am 45 years old and she won't tell dirty jokes in front of me. She won't forward any naughty e-mail jokes to me. I think one time she showed me a cartoon of Hilary Clinton with a penis, but that's about it. I kind of felt like an adult. She said she was having trouble looking at Gwen, because she had just seen the picture in the last couple of days and wondered if Gwen 1) Knew she was being photographed or 2) Knew that those photos were now being broadcast in cyberspace.

Not that my Mom is embarrassed by sex. Not in the least. Every week when we go to the piano bar she's saying sexually suggestive things to young waiters and winking at them and grabbing them as they walk by.

Last time I went we had this big hunky, sullen looking waiter. Kind of looked like the kind of guy you'd see on the cover of a romance novel. Dark. Voluptuous lips. Big. She flirted with him mercilessly all night. I was rather embarrassed. We had shared a dessert that night and he said it would really make his night if she would lick the plate. Now if you know my mother you know whatever you challenge her to do, she'll do it and then some. So she did. Licked the plate. And he laughed. And I wanted to crawl under the table.

But my Mom seemed truly unnerved by the fact that she had seen pictures of our waitress having oral sex. I actually found it to be kind of funny. When my Mom asked me if I was going to leave a tip for the waitress, I said yeah..."Here's a tip, don't let your husband take pictures during sex." And then my Mom and I got really giggly. I started making cracks and everytime Gwen would breeze by, we would start giggling. And when she came for the money on the tab, she said, "You wanna give that to me." My Mom had her back to her but I was facing her. And I glanced at my Mom and then to her and said kind of sultry-like, "yeah" and my Mom could barely contain herself. We both burst into laughter after she walked away.

Who knew we could ever bond over something so inappropriate and sexual?

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