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2003-09-17 @ 11:42 p.m.
the return of Dark Vador

So if you've been reading along like a good little faithful reader, you'll remember how athletic I was yesterday, walking with Married Guy's child bride, up a steep 2 mile hill with nary a drop of sweat. And how concerned Married Guy was at seeing me so far away from say, a couch or a massage table...walking.

Who knew?

I just don't understand that though. It's not like I'm a 300 pound polyester wearing couch potato with a remote in my hand. He knows I walk. I walk a lot. He massages my legs. They're rock solid.

So I get an e-mail this morning from him. It said "It was neat to see you walking the hill. I know I've heard about your walking prowess, but mostly I get to see you when you're lying down."

I mostly get to see you when you're lying down?? Makes me sound like a hooker. In your dreams, honey.

So I wrote him back and told him I was equally impressive when I was vertical as when I was horizontal. On an e-mail back, he didn't comment. We were conducting business after that. The business cards are done and he decided to do them locally for a couple of more bucks. Wow, call out the media, Married Guys spending money.

Today was my DBT class. Always...ok, never a joy. I was in a really good mood today, only to have it stomped on/trampled/crushed lifeless under a semi named Ring Nose and her 8,000 reasons people need to love me even though I am totally unlovable person. I have trouble even making eye contact with her. I just can't stand her and I think she knows it.

I have a really good sense of humor and I can liven things up during the class if Dark Vador drags us down to far. Today, for instance, she was trying to include me in the we-don't-have-the-Lexus-so-we're-nobody-sisterhood of pain thing and I flatly refused to go. Sorry. I was feeling good about myself today. I had just finished a nice business card for Married Guy. I'm working on a CD cover for another person. My E-Bay stuff was doing really well. The weather was beautiful outside. I'm out of that miserable moldy infested apartment. I had men interested in me this weekend. I'm going to be taking an art class next month. I had just had a fun piano lesson with Married Guys son and felt really good about my music teaching abilities. My car is still working. My mom's cancer scare was ok.

Why should I sit around with a bunch of strangers and say "Oh I'm a victim, boo, hoo!" I mean, I have days I say that at home, or at my shrinks office, but why participate in a group pity party on such a beautiful autumn day?

I think Ring Nose was perturbed I interrupted her train of thought. Once the Woe-as-Me train is hurtling down the tracks, its a little difficult to stop, I understand that, but still...

But I did it anyways by saying I didn't want to be sad, I wanted the 2004 Lexus, and the nice house on the hill, and I didn't agree with being perpetually chained to this sadness we had as children. Who wants that? I talk about this stuff in therapy. This is not stuff to be dealt with in class.

I finally wrote my shrink a note tonight about it too. I know that he will insist that I get out of the class when he hears about this shit. He doesn't want any negative influences fluttering around me, since I am so easily influenced by negativity. I stood steadfast today though.

After class I took a nice walk around our downtown area. It was beautiful and sunny. I bought one of those preloaded cameras, snap and shoots, since my Mom and I are taking a drive up to the small town on the St. Lawrence where our family originated tomorrow.

But on the walk (see Married Guy, I'm walking -- see) back to the car, I started shooting pictures. I saw a beautiful purple and bright green coleus plant pressed up against a window in a restaurant. The sun was directly hitting it and the colors were spectacular, so I shot a couple of pictures of that. And the very next store front, which was empty, had nice angles painted orange, and the shadows of the former store's letters jutted across them. So I shot pictures there too. I felt like I felt when I was in my 20's and used to shoot rolls and rolls of film, just to get 2 good shots.

This was what life was about. Wednesday afternoon. Not when your mother slapped you in 1969. Get over it and live now.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty