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2003-10-03 @ 10:45 a.m.
the mexican standoff

There was the coolest double rainbow in the sky yesterday afternoon. I came out of Target and the skies had been interesting all afternoon. Spitting out rain, snow pellets, horizontal ice crystals and finally in late afternoon, under a heavy drape of black, ominous clouds a double rainbow. One rainbow with its pot of gold to admire, the other to steal and stick in a bank off the Cayman Islands.

I wish this could be a fun-loving entry, but I am in a major funk. I just got home from my Friday morning shrink and it was a heavy duty appointment. Lots of teeth gnashing and angry tears. Not at him, just about Married Guy and about my early life and being sexually assaulted and the ANGER that IT provokes and how I can't seem to get rid of it and how it just keeps popping up no matter how hard I try to push it away, pack it away, drown it, strangle it, kick it under the couch, put a doily on it, throw a cloak of invisibility over it, stomp on it, make it listen to episodes of "Rush Limbaugh", submerge it in acid, subject it to fleas, make it listen to bad Broadway shows, make it wear tight shoes, make it go to Catholic school and get beat by nuns, make it be friends with Married Guy and get its heart broken, Anger STILL won't go away. It's like a cockroach...even nuclear war won't destroy it. And I get tired of dealing with it.

My shrink and I are great at coming up with analogies and today's analogy was two aspects of ME, (since I'm the queen of the therapy office universe) the six year old me and the adult me, pulling on two sides of the same door. The six year old me must be endowed with superhuman powers for a 6 year old, because she's certainly holding her own against the adult me. And the adult me is yelling at her to let go, but is having no luck since we both possess incredibly hard heads. So there's been this Mexican Stand Off going on for nearly 40 years. And this door pulling business could continue indefinitely since I'm not going to say, "Uncle" and I'm definitely not going to say "Uncle".

See how that works?

So, I guess the only thing you can do is pray that the hinges rust, the door splinters apart and we both fall on our asses. Maybe then, and only then we'll both realize how silly this has all been.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty