2003-10-13 @ 4:30 p.m.
Straight eye for the queer guy

I've never been particularly kind to my body. I used to overeat. Go to the store. Buy pies. Bury my fingers in them on the way home and then have them demolished within 10 minutes of getting home. The whole pie. Gone. Cans of frosting. Gone. Cartons of cool whip. Gone. Large bags of M&Ms. Gone. But I was filling a void. Loneliness.

Before loneliness, came gay men.

I used to be a fag hag. At least thats what someone called me once. I was never sure if that was derogatory towards me or them. Hag certainly doesn't sound very nice. But the person who said it said it in kind of a sneering way, so I guess it was me.

But I always liked gay boys. And they always liked me. And we always liked each other. I have even been in love with several of them. We always liked the same things. Clever banter. Theatre. Nicely decorated houses.

Lets see. How many were there? 4 I think.

Steven. My first boyfriend was a maybe. He was kinda cute. Tall. On our first date we went to see "The Three Musketeers". I was driving since I was slightly older. On the way home he suggested we pull off into an apple orchard next to his house. In those days I was game for this sort of thing. My boobies were definitely up for some teenage boy touchy feely action. So we turned in. It was dark. And then we talked. Just freakin' talked. He finally asked me to take him home. He did brag the next day to our friends that we had gone "parking". I punched his arm, and kinda grinned. Everyone laughed, but I knew the truth. So did Steven.

That didn't last long. And then came G. An adorable Portuguese boy who lived a couple of doors away. We were doing a play together (ALARMS -BLEET -BLEET - BLEET - WE'RE DOING A PLAY TOGETHER - HE MAY POSSIBLY BE GAY, but I was only 16 and didn't even know what gay was). I just totally fell in love with G. We had a great time together. We both loved movies. We both loved "Cabaret" (BLEET - BLEET - BLEET). He even let me put theatre make up on him one night. I did it because I wanted to get close to those yummy succulent Portuguese lips. He wanted it, to see what he looked like as Joel Grey.

Also midway through high school, we both wrote fan letters to this prominent newscaster in San Francisco. I got an autographed picture back. G got a personal invitation to come spend the weekend at the guy's house. When he got back, he was transformed. He even told me how this newscaster had a remote control in his bedroom which opened and closed his drapes.

Well, that ended soon after high school. I still carried torch for him for a while. He called me once in my twenties. He was working at a winery in the Napa Valley. I got all glammed up and went to see him. We had lunch. Had a nice visit. I called him again. And he never returned my call.

My third gay boy was a very nice Jewish boy named D. We were doing a play together, "Godspell" (BLEET --BLEET --BLEET -- DOING THEATRE HE MAY BE GAY). He was playing Jesus. Hey, if you're going to get involved with someone, might as well, be the Big Guy. We hit it off immediately. He had an awesome sense of humor. We were like a comedy team. We used to get stoned together and roll around on the living room floor. We had a lot of fun. I was really in love with him. I even made the first move on him. Kissed him one night. And he kissed back. We had a minor physical relationship. Just kissing and hugging. I enjoyed it. He introduced me to his parents. I even went to a Seder at their house. Imagine a nice Catholic girl going to a Jewish Seder. I enjoyed it though. Liked his family. They were so different from mine. Loving for one thing.

Then I decided I wanted to sleep with D. It had been a couple of years. He had moved back East for a year and then came back, and I wanted him. So I went and looked into birth control. And then I saw a personal ad in the newspaper. "Looking for a SWF who likes walks on the beach...blah, blah, blah," and it had his address on it. I was startled, and heartbroken. But instead of saying anything to him I just replied to the ad, saying I was the one for him. How bold of me, huh? I used to be like that.

He came over to my house a couple nights later. I was ready to sleep with him, if he wanted. And then we talked. He told me the personal ad had been a last ditch attempt to see if he was straight. He had been seeing a shrink, and it seems he had already slept with a guy we both knew and he was a little confused. Of course, I was ready to jump in and save the day, by offering my sultry body, but he had already made the decision.

We did stay friends, but my heart was dashed once again.

The last gay boy who broke my heart is still in my life in a big way. We're best friends. I've known him since he was 10 years old. Our families married into each other, so we used to see each other at family functions. I was 6 years older than him, so he used to idolize me from afar, he told me.

Imagine. Being idolized from afar? COOL!

But as we hit our teenage years, we started doing stuff together. Seeing plays. Going to the ballet. Burning up the phone lines everynight. We were the best of friends. It's funny how gay men, straight women relationships are. They are every bit are complicated as heterosexual relationships. I mean I always knew he was gay, but all the same feelings were involved. We loved each other. We were jealous of each other. I don't know if he lusted after me, but I certainly lusted after him, as he got older. He was very lovely to look at.

I used to do photography when I was younger and he was my favorite subject, and as I would photograph him, he would sometimes start stripping down, and I would start feeling a little warm.

One time I was in his bedroom looking at some photos on his bed, and he was changing clothes and he suddenly said, "You've seen me naked before, right?"

And I looked up, and his lovely lovestick was just about eye level, and suddenly I was about as hot as a bag of jiffypop after 3 1/2 revolutions in the microwave.

"Um...yes, I'm sure I have, G. Yes" and quickly look down, turning bright red.

Another time we were in my Dad's pool swimming and suddenly he produces a pair of swimming trunks and tosses them to me, saying, "Here", grinning ear to ear. I was mortified. He started laughing uproariously, I guess at my startled expression. He finally admitted that he had worn two pairs of trunks so he could do that. I just started yelling and splashing water at him. Two days later, he told me he loved me for the first time. I cried for two days after that.

So we're still friends. We talk on the Internet all the time and I went to visit him in NYC last Fall. I wish he was my true honey, because he's everything I want in a man....thoughtful, kind, generous, good looking, good sense of humor, and well....gay.

Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty