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2003-10-15 @ 1:53 p.m.
more tricks than treats

Halloween has become so freakin' commercial. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, because you could dress up and be weird and nobody would notice. (I would occasionally do this on other days of the year and watch people recoil, like "what's up with that?", but I digress).

And of course, there was also the candy factor. Begging for free candy at serial killer's houses. That's my kind of holiday. Mmmm!

Of course I also grew up before the "trick or treating at shopping malls" thing. I just walked down dark, abandoned streets in paper thin costumes with "victim" painted on my back. I was recently house sitting at a friend's house and she had a book by her commode called "Urban Legends for Dummies" (I guess that was inevitable).

The first page I flipped open to was the urban legend regarding the razor in the apple thing. Guess that never really happened.

Imagine that. And that's the story the media drags out every year, isn't it? I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, I never ever grabbed for that shiny red apple in MY bag of treats. I went for the bag of M&Ms. I was addicted to trans fats long before I knew they clogged up your arteries.

But Halloween is starting to get as bad as Christmas. People around here started decorating their yards in August with scarecrows (I know my landlord did), pumpkins, ghosts, tombstones, lifeless bodies hanging by their necks from trees (I can't tell you how much that freaks me out. I feel like I'm witnessing a lynching down at kindly Mr. Smith's house). A favorite around my neighborhood are paper napkins filled with paper and rubber banded around the middle to look like little ghosts and then scattered all over the bushes. And also those motion activated things that scream like Rush Limbaugh when he doesn't get a vicodin, when you walk by them. Shut the fuck up!

Gee, I don't mean to sound like the Grinch or anything, but why can't we just get a few pumpkins for the front porch around October 28th. Buy a few bags of candy for the little ones and leave it at that.

I guess one of the reasons I don't like the external decorations, was something that happened to me as a kid. I wasn't really well cared for as a kid. I was frequently left alone in public places, and even sent out trick or treating alone once when I was about 8. I was a hula dancer that year. My Dad had gotten me a real hula skirt in Hawaii. I had my little bikini top on. The hula skirt chaffed like crazy. After a while I could barely walk, but there WAS candy to be collected, and I was always a "keep going no matter what" kid.

So I was walking down this street. It was a little dark, and not that many kids were around. Suddenly this large white ghost comes swooping down out of a tree and nearly knocked me down. I just started screaming and then some people up on a porch started laughing like crazy. I guess it rigged up in a tree to "scare kids".

Well, mission accomplished, assholes. I think I ran all the way home after that. The inside of my thighs were raw, from the grass skirt rubbing against them. I just brought my candy to my bedroom and started eating it. All of it. Unlike most parents, my mom didn't care if I ate one piece or 380 pieces. Or the apple with a razor blade in it for that matter. Just so I didn't interrupt her latest phone call.

But I don't hold that against Halloween. I did later live in San Francisco, where Halloween in a National Holiday. I remember standing once on a street corner waiting for a red light to change. I was standing next to this gorgeous woman. She looked like Marilyn Monroe. I was with my friend, who was dressed like a pirate (We had just seen "Pirates of Penzance" that night. He was dressed as a pirate. I was dressed as a civilian). As the light changed, we started to walk across the street, and kind of came up next to this person and quickly realized, that Marilyn was also Clark. Clark Gable. Clark on one side, Marilyn on the other. Talk about freaky. But what awesome makeup. And if we hadn't seen the him/her from the other angle we would have never known.

So I don't hate Halloween. Not at all. I even went out and bought a pumpkin yesterday. You would have thought I was picking out a wedding engagement ring. I must have picked up 15 pumpkins before I decided which one to buy.

I have a friend who grows pumpkins, for the sole purpose of smashing them every October. Its a therapeutic thing. I keep hoping she'll invite me over, but no invitation so far.

Speaking of smashing things, I went up to Married Guy's house yesterday. Had a piano lesson with the kidlet. He is doing so well with his music, I almost seem extraneous. He had a new piece that was so difficult that even I couldn't play it.

Married Guy was all friendly ass. I've been keeping my distance the last 3 weeks. He had been distant a couple of weeks ago, so I thought, well two can play that game. But that's the game I always win. He can't stand it when I don't call or do e-mails for a week or two, and then he'll get friendly again.

When I was in the music room, he walked through and bumped right into me. Just crash. I know he saw me. All 5 foot, 3" of me. Its not like I was wearing my cloak of invisibility or anything. I guess he did that on purpose, like HERE I AM.

Men are probably the least subtle creatures on the planet. Even in nature, its the male birds who have the brightest plumage (i.e., the cardinals, the blue jays, the peacocks). And of course, we all respond to it, like they're the greatest thing since sliced bread. God, we're dumb. I guess God made it that way, so we would eventually have to get together to populate the earth.

I can't think of any other reason, can you?

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty