2003-10-18 @ 10:26 a.m.
|"Dare to be strong and focused among the weak and confused. Maybe it's your turn to be a leader or mentor. With luck, your moral compass will point you toward the path of least resistance."
Well, that's my horoscope for today. I like the path of least resistance part. I think somebody stepped on my moral compass and broke it. Gotta work on the strong and focused aspect. The leader part...well that may be down the road a ways. But my Survivor group leader, did ask me if I would be willing to "lead" an Art Class during a women's seminar in November.
"Gulp". Me be in charge of something? I'm fairly good about getting my socks back into the drawer after I do laundry and cleaning the cat box every so often, but being in charge of other people? Well, that makes me a little nervous.
As a child I had dreams of becoming a music teacher. But as time grew closer to realizing that dream, two things happened. My parents got divorced when I was in high school and I started experiencing depression. I never quite made it to teacher school. More like junior college, where I majored in journalism and minored in another big money maker, theatre. Yup, I loved singing "Oklahoma" with those gay boys.
I guess those two things added up to my rather unspectacular life. My Dad wanted me to be a dental hygienist. My mom...um...I don't know if she wanted me to be anything. I don't think we ever discussed ME. She was too busy fucking the contractor who was building our house, while I was consuming marijuana brownies in vast quantities and feeling depressed, to even notice.
So in my twenties I was off to a long string of low paying retail jobs. I did a lot of temp work too. How perfect for someone like me. Work where you don't have to get emotionally involved with anyone. I did date though. But if you dated anyone from where you worked and it didn't work out, you just asked for a new assignment. Yay!
Work has always been my only dating pool. I guess I liked being able to observe people at close range before I went out with them. My last job was the hardest because everyone was married. Despite having feelings for a married man right now, that usually wasn't my M.O. That's when I stopped dating.
So here are the two elements. I've had lots of jobs. And I've had a lot of houses. I've probably moved about 28 times since high school. I have no idea what stability looks or feels like. Is it part of my mental illness? I'm not so sure.
I was talking to my mom recently and she made a snide comment about the fact that my aunt and her husband have lived in the same house for nearly 50 years. She thought it was probably pretty boring. My mom has had 4 husbands, lived in probably 35-40 houses or apartments, had 10-15 jobs. My aunt has had 1 husband, 1 job, 1 apartment before they bought their current house. I bet she knows where everything is.
I don't know where anything is. Everytime I pack up and move the only thing I really keep tabs on are my cat and my computer. I would like to have some stability. And some love.
I had a nice comment in my diaryland notes saying I needed some love.
Well, yes I do. Thanks for noticing. I guess its ok to put that out there in cyberspace. My computer is really my only connection with anyone besides the cast of characters you see here. And they may be fleeting. I always think they're fleeting. One wrong move and I'll be like that astronaut in "2001 Space Odyssey", just cut off and drifting into space...alone.
So since I never believe people will love me without bribery, I was thinking I will grant you three wishes, if you drop by and say hello in my guestbook.
The first wish is for yourself. You can't wish for a winning lottery ticket or to get laid by Heather Graham (or in my case Johnny Depp), since I've already tried granting those wishes to myself and they just plain don't work.
Wish number two is for either your kids, your siblings or your parents. And no you can't wish for a new cell phone. Just maybe something like "I hope I get along better with my parents" or "I hope Dad's blood pressure goes down and he can run in the Boston Marathon again" or something like that. You know selfless, like you don't benefit from it...it just makes someone else happy.
And wish three is something international like world peace, peace in the Middle East, get Bush-head out of the White House in 2004.
Now I can't guarantee these wishes will come true. I'm only a welfare chick living behind a garage next to an air conditioning unit, but I'll work on it, OK? Thanks.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty