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2003-10-19 @ 2:50 p.m.
calling all kitty shrinks

I have a great room mate. She doesn't complain when I play "Oklahoma" on the piano at 1 a.m. Never says anything about what I'm wearing. Doesn't complain about the temperature of the apartment. Doesn't laugh when I dance in my underwear to Aretha Franklin. Oh, and we sleep together. She likes to "watch" and I am totally uninhibited when she's watching. Sometimes she'll even join in and start licking me. Its great. And I know that she loves me. Unconditionally. And isn't that what its all about?

She's my cat.

Yeah, I know you all thought it was Chastity Bono, didn't you?

That's why getting rid of the fleas was so important recently. But my kitty is now having psychological problems. And I promise mine aren't rubbing off on her. She acquired her own during the recent flea invasion. She's afraid to walk on the floor. She has been living full time on my bed for the last 5 days. And when she does have to get off the bed to go to her cat box, she stands at the edge of my bedroom door and then takes giant psychotic gazelle leaps across the living room. I don't even know if she touches the floor. I think if she could pole vault across the living room, she would.

Just yesterday I was in the bathroom, sitting on the john, and suddenly she comes ricocheting into the bathroom, and smacked her head on the bathroom cabinet and then ran back to my bed and nearly pulled off all the covers by landing sideways. She must have made a wrong turn at the kitchen.

I don't know if there is a way to convince her there are no longer any fleas on the floor. I think there may be a kitty shrink in her future.

Had an interesting conversation with my mom yesterday. We somehow got on the topic of weddings. She said her and my Dad had always planned to give me a BIG wedding when I was younger. Well gee, this is the first I've heard of this. I'm 45. My Dad is dead, and she lives on $630/mo. I somehow don't think the wedding thing is going to be happening anytime soon, even IF I could get a freakin' date. She said my Dad used to say, "When is ****** going to get a guy?" ALL THE TIME.

Funny, how I never knew they were concerned about my marriageability. I always thought they felt like I was a failure in that department. We never had any Hallmark moments where we sat down and they said, "Gee, we hope you find someone to love you. You are really a wonderful person." Had they done that, I might have put a little more effort into it.

Of course my mom had to put her two cents in about the Big Wedding Thing. She's been married 4 times...unsuccessfully.

The first guy was 25, she was 15...I can just imagine. Second guy was a brutal wife beating Tony Soprano type. Third guy was my Dad, an alcoholic. And her fourth husband was a sullen quiet guy who slowly drained her bank account and eventually went back to his second wife with whom he had cheated on her with. (talk about payback).

She said, if asked, she would rather take the money required to put on a big wedding, and just have a small wedding and keep the money. Or maybe take the money and buy a new car for the newlyweds, instead of paying for the flowers, music and food for 100 people. Because, after all, marriages don't usually last....

At least if you have a new have SOMETHING!

Yeah, that's my mom...a total romantic. Her favorite movie is "Fatal Attraction". Naturally she didn't ask my opinion. Like what would YOU have liked, so I just interrupted the cynical-fest and said, I'd like half and half. A medium sized wedding, like in someone's backyard with home baked goodies and a good CD player, and maybe a couple of envelopes with some money. Sure. Just to buy a few necessities like some pretty, soft sheets, some flower bulbs, and a couple of Gershwin CDs (assuming my honey likes Gershwin, but I guess he better if he likes me).

See what a cheap kid I would have been Dad?

Boy, you know, I just really need some better role models. I have been consciously watching what I say to people recently.

For a long time I had been of the school of thought to wait for someone to say something, and then have to top them. If it was something good, I had to be better. If it was something bad, I had to be far worse.

I virtually could not wait for them to stop speaking so I could launch into my sad or glad story. It was a technique I had picked up from my mother. She's the queen of worse than/better than stories.

And then I realized after a while, the pleasure derived from this little game was so minimal, that it wasn't even worth the effort. I guess that's why I can't stand the Ring nosed girl at DBT or when my mom starts doing this. I had this done to me my whole life, and I was never able to be the best or worst at anything. I was always just cancelled out, like a newly issued postage stamp

I do occasionally have a yen to do it again, especially when I'm egged on in the DBT class. ..."You have a cold? Well I had to cut my spleen out with a butter knife last week..." But I'm trying to control it. Because I realized how unattractive it is. And how it sort of leaves the other person with nothing to say.

I am still working on not only talking about myself to people. I guess its from all the time I spend at shrinks. When I'm with Married Guy and other civilians, I have to remember that they want to participate too, otherwise they wouldn't be there. Right?

Its amazing how smart you get when you get old.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty