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2003-10-21 @ 8:52 p.m.
pity party for one

Men -- ever wish you just use them and then throw them in the recycling bin down by the curb?

Considering my history with them, I get along with them amazingly well. I prefer their company to women. I have more male friends than female friends, but still...

But today was a monumentally shitty day and it was all tied to men. Married ones, familial ones, professional ones. Each and everyone of you got on my last nerve and should be punished severely. Well, at least the familial one. The other two were just being good friends. I just didn't want to hear what you wanted to say to me, ok?

First was the shrink. Got lecture #212. Married Man is bad. You deserve better. Your emotions are not reliable and wouldn't hold up in a court of law. Thank God, no one is suing me, right? I know that everything he says it completely true, but after several weeks of feeling relatively angst free, I felt like the walking on sunshine thing got totally nuked today. And I left his office feeling totally miserable.

So, what do you do when you feel miserable? Go to your least favorite brother's house to thank him for the money he gave you that you don't really want, but really need. I get a similar physical reaction to my brother that you get when I see a picture of George Bush. Kind of urpy, but I knew I had to say "thank you" for the $100 he gave me recently. I also bought him a little pink mum flower, because I had heard he had just broken up with his mistress. Wasn't that nice of me? So I got to his house and he wasn't there.


But as I was looking for a piece of paper to write a note on and leave the flower, he comes riding up behind me. Damn. So he gave me a big sloppy kiss (eeeww) and we went into his house and I quickly realized why I only visit 2-3 times a year. He sits and talks solely about himself and never asks how you are. That's something he inherited from my mother. Must be why I don't feel important. Nobody ever asked how I was doing or feeling when I was growing up. I was always just an audience for the two egomaniacs in the house.

He just filed for bankruptcy and told me some things that a bankruptcy court would surely be interested in, which I can't go into here. He said he hopes to be able to buy a house in a few years, but complained about having to pay school taxes. He doesn't think he should have to since he doesn't have any kids. Yeah, he's a charmer.

We even had an uncomfortable conversation about the movie, "Lost in Translation" with Bill Murray and Scarlet Johannson. He didn't think they were in love because they didn't sleep together. He said that's the only way a man can show a woman he loves her. And he also thought that their wedding vows kept them apart.

Oh pah-leeze! You! Of all people. You who lives with a woman and has a mistress, and has them both on a written time schedule, which they both know about. One woman gets to "have" my brother from 2-7 p.m., and then his partner at home, gets him overnight. Lucky her. He sat and told me today, that a relationship is not complete unless the man sleeps with the woman and that was what he was taught since he was a little boy. Men are defined by getting laid.

Boy, that certainly flies in the face of everything my shrink is trying to convince me of. I'm trying to fight that stereotype and here's my brother telling me, that that is what his whole existence is based on. Getting laid. And that was why he was breaking up with his mistress. He wanted to be available for more babe action. I was actually getting angrier and angrier as I was sitting there listening to this tripe. He's almost 54 years old and still quite boyish and nice looking. But oy, my aching head, what a fucking asshole.

Its no wonder I have trouble believing there are nice men out there.

I told him I was going to the movies at 1:15, so he made sure he talked UNTIL 1:15, so I missed my movie, "Intolerable Cruelty", about husbands and wives cheating on each other. I think we have our theme of the day going on here, don't you? Everyone agree?

So I ended up seeing "School of Rock" instead, which was actually very enjoyable and funny.

Unfortunately, once I got out of there, it was almost time to go up to Married Guy's house for a music lesson. And tonight I was also taking his other son to HIS music lesson down in the village. Why?


Actually somewhere between the movie theatre and Married Guy's house, I pulled off in a cul-de-sac and just sat and sobbed in my car for about 10 minutes. Just felt really depressed and lonely.

On the one hand I have my shrink telling me to dump the Married Guy, because I deserve to find someone to love me, and me alone. Which is all fine and groovy, but I am petrified of losing something I have already for something I may not get. Plus I don't feel like I deserve to win the Love Lottery.

And then I have the Idiot Brother, who treats women like disposable shavers and could care less about their feelings, because its all about him. Again, I am so lacking in good role models.

So I took some drugs today. Just a few. Just enough to dull the pain of reality. I doubt if anyone even noticed. I had to sit and listen to Married Guy's wife yammer for about 20 minutes about her first boyfriend who looked and acted like Jack Black, the actor in "School of Rock". I'm not sure if that would be something I would be proud of.

Married Guy had to go get his kid at school. I just sort of nodded my head in a total glaze. "Oh really. Wow. That must have been really interesting." I then had to listen to her stories about how she crashed her car because of low blood sugar. The story about the art teacher who plays old 1950's hygeine films with rock music piped in to inspire her students...AGAIN. And about her daughter's upcoming orthodontic work. And how, as a teenager, she took a valium once, after she had a wisdom tooth pulled and how she cried and cried and tried to unzip all the pillows in the dental reception area...even the ones without zippers.

Holy freakin' Mother of God woman, am I the one on drugs or are you? Guess she forgot that a conversation, is a two way thing. Like "Hello. How are you? What's new with you?"

I feel so invisible today. I wish I were invisible. I wish I would have crashed my car because of low blood sugar. Then maybe somebody would have noticed that I needed a hug or at least a love infusion.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty