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2003-10-22 @ 4:11 p.m.
the catalogue arrives...

I was all ready to continue my pity party today. Was feeling lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Angry at all the right people for all the wrong reasons. And then I got my Sinclair Institute Catalogue.

Now that may sound like a cooking program for yuppies, or a literacy program for third world countries --send books to the less fortunate. But in fact its my sex toys catalogue.

Oh dear, dear. Blush, blush. How did that get in my mailbox?? My, my. Most have been an error down at the post office.

Ok, I'm on their mailing list from when I ordered my original vibrator. And then when I traded up to Mr. Love Me Tender, Love Me Big. And they are good marketers. They have even kept up with my new address. They, of all people, know a sucker, when they see one.

The thing about these catalogues, is that if you're half blind like me, you should probably wear your glasses. I could see the print if I held the book really far away, but a lot of the photos looked pretty weird. Especially the current round of vibrators. I thought I had picked up an issue of Arizona Magazine, since all the vibrators, these days, are looking more and more like Saguaro cactuses. And of course they all have happy names like the Dancing Dolphin, the Vibe Rabbit and Jenna's Beaver. All animal names...did you notice that? Bunnies, dolphins and beavers. Isn't that precious?

And of course there is also the Happy Harness, the Feather Snapper, the Double Dipper and Miss Bliss. Who names this stuff? Do they have a committee meetings on this?

OK, what are we going to call this one? The "Happy Harness" or the "It's Kinda Tight and Pinchy on my Genitalia Harness"?

...CEO looks around the room. Everyone is looking down adjusting their happy harnesses....

Show of hands? More adjusting of happy harnesses. Hands? Hello?

Sighs...moans rising up from the boardroom....

CEO: OK, we'll call it the Happy item. Vibrating Anal Swizzle Stick. Show of hands?? Hello?

I don't like the mail catalogue as well as the internet website. The website has the bargain page. The stuff that used to be $29.95 and is now going for $9.95. That's where I shop. Its like a porno Dollar Store. Plus there's no evidence of your shopping spree.

I remember the last time I moved, one of the movers went to pull some pillows off my couch and what's under there? An old Sinclair Institute catalogue with a spread eagle blonde on the front cover. I was like, "Oh fruck!". I quickly grabbed the book even though I knew that Cro-Magnon had already seen it and was already thinking of Christmas gifts for his girlfriend and forming new opinions of the jittery 45 year old woman whose couch he was moving.

I did shoot him a look, like don't even, but I was already trying to formulate a viable explanation like, "It's not what you think...honest. It's a literacy program for young hookers down on Hollywood and Vine. Really!"

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty