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2003-10-29 @ 6:43 p.m.
Jennifer wins Emmy and Nobel Peace Prize

I have been on an incredible winning streak lately. I mean I don't want to make you guys jealous or anything, but I've been the "You're the 1000th Person to Clink on this Website and Win!!" person about 15-16 times this week. I mean what are the odds, that I hit 1000th Person thing so many times? Wow. Maybe I should go out and buy some lottery tickets or something.

Blonde Moment.

graciously presented by your stunning (brunette) hostess Witty Kitty. Thank you, thank you.

If you're a brunette, chances are you've probably lost a guy to a blonde. I did in high school. I would love to type her name out her (cough)Carleen ****** She looked and acted like the Cybill Shephard's character in "Last Picture Show". God I hated her. And she had the locker right next to mine, and I always had to wade through several layers of guys to get my freakin' Social Studies book. And she had such a strong feminine mystique that she even turned the head of my yet-to-be diagnosed gay boyfriend. Can you imagine? Even he wanted to get into her cheerleading panties...or at least try them on.

I don't know if you notice but I tend to jump around a lot when I write. The reason? I'm bipolar and have the attention span of gnat. That's the main reason I can't work. Consistency. I got "The Beautiful Mind" thing going on. Brainy, insightful, but it's very difficult for me to be linear for more than a couple minutes, because I'm always multitasking.

Hello, how are you? (me: changing the oil in my car) Oh my cat is chewing on a grocery bag... (me: reading War and Peace) I really need to paint my piano bench...(me: passing several laws in Congress)...Um, hello. Did I say hello yet?

It's really a mixed blessing. If you want to go through and label 12,000 photos at 2 a.m., it's great. But if you want to lead a normal life, it absolutely sucks.

But I saw an interesting thing written on a horoscope today: "Confront the difficult while it is still easy".

Now they tell me!

But I lead a really unremarkable life. Two shrink appointments a week. Piano lesson with Married Guy's Kid. The Piano Bar. That's it. And yet there are so many people who lead interesting ones.

Like the guy I saw on the news tonight who can lift 150 pounds with his ears. Now you see, if I had a marketable skill like that, being bipolar wouldn't be an issue. I would just get myself an agent, fly all over the country, show up at the various venues, like state fairs and rodeos, lift the damn 150 pound thing, go back to the hotel and watch free cable. It would be great. And oh, the chicks!

Unfortunately I'm not so sure about the ear thing. I cried really hard the time somebody accidentally ripped an earring out of my ear, taking half my ear lobe with it. I'd have to think of something new. Something inventive. Something that doesn't require a lot of concentration. Um...I know!

How about pulling tracker trailers with my nipples?

Well, I wouldn't have to worry about my equipment getting lost at the airport and I have been looking for ways to meet new guys. Of course there would be one helluva Neosporin bill to contend with. And..OUCH YOU FREAKIN' PERVERT!

I just shake my head when I see people doing stupid stuff to get on TV. And then when movie stars take "courageous" political stands. Like Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt who just came out for Peace in the Middle East.

How brave.

I can just see them home in their $500 million palatial mansion smoking pot in a $75,000 gold plated bong (ordered from Tommy Chong of "Cheech and Chong", whose ass now sits in jail for selling drug paraphernalia over the Internet -- who could have seen that one coming?)

Jennifer: Honey?

Brad: Glragh (sucking in a big lungful of Tibetan Ganja)

Jennifer: We need to do something noble today. Not like hire illegal aliens to cut the lawn or anything, but something, well...committed.

Brad: Rhhthee? (his eyes rolling back in his head as he falls back on their $457,000 leather couch).

Jennifer: I think we should come out for peace, honey. Do you know anyplace they're having a war right now?

Brad: Snkrk?

Jennifer: Iraq? No, that would really hurt my career to say anything about that. I do have a movie with Ben Stiller coming out shortly.

Brad: (snoring lightly)

Jennifer: (hitting Brad to wake him up). Dammit honey, I'm trying to be noble here.

A maid of Middle Eastern heritage comes in and starts cleaning up all the hamburger wrappers and ice cream cartons.

Jennifer: (looking up at the maid) Hera? Do you know anyplace where there's a war...I mean besides Iraq? It doesn't have to be a big war. Just something with photo ops.

Hera stops to consider and then mists over slightly and says, Well, there is the Middle East...Israel and Palestine.

Jennifer: Pale..who? (writing this down)

Hera: Palestine. It is where my family is from. There is anger. There is violence. There is death. (now breaking down crying a bit).

Jennifer: (not noticing her maid) Great! Let me call my press agent. We'll issue a press release. (she stops briefly and counts something out on her perfectly manicured fingers). Hmm, six weeks until "Waiting for Polly" comes out. Of course, there's ratings sweep month too. Oh, what the hell. Brad, Brad honey, wake up. We're gonna declare peace in the Middle East!

Brad: Glrg????

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty