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2003-11-03 @ 2:06 p.m.
dollar days down at the five and dim

It was my incredible lust for one dollar Poppycock that got me down to Dollar Tree today. Really. I would never go there otherwise. I mean with the country western music blaring and the astro turf carpeting begging to look better than mine at home, it was just impossible to resist.

That place was full today. A 100 foot aisle of just Christmas bows. Honest to God. And they were still unpacking. And so many more goodies. I should insert here, that I am a somewhat distant relative of Scrooge and resent the fact that Christmas decorations have to appear in stores anytime before December 17th. Christmas carols over loudspeakers? Well, they go in the same category as cell phones. Seek and destroy all Christmas Carols...forever. Bah humbug.

But the Dollar Store has so much to offer in the way of gifts for the poverty stricken like me. I mean, I was already grumpy from a telemarketer who had woken me up around 8 a.m.

"Hi. Have you ever stayed at Howard Johnson's or Marriott's Hotel before?"

For me telemarketers are like fish in a barrel though. I have my stock answer that works about 99% of the time.

"I'm on welfare, do you still want to talk to me?"

They'll either abruptly hang up or if they're calling from a Southern state, where they are generally nicer they'll say, "Thank you ma'am, have a nice day" and hang up.

So I'm walking up and down the aisles of the Dollar Store listening to some inane song that sounded like "I'm proud to be an American, because I like to fight in wars." OK, maybe that wasn't the exact lyric, because they were muffled, but it did have a good beat. I was almost tempted to do a little boot scooting boogie across the Astroturf carpeting, if it hadn't been littered with so many Christmas bow boxes.

I was actually shopping for Poppycock and a birthday card and birthday wrapping paper for Married Guy's son whose birthday is sometime in the next week. I already have a book for him.

I'm a little distressed because Married Guy has been roundly ignoring me for almost a week now. Two e-mails without answers. No calls. But I can't ignore the kidlet. He's my fave, and he deserves presents. Lots of them, even if I can only give him one. So I found some cute cat paper to wrap his book about dogs. And I got him a birthday card that said he's cool, because he is.

I continued to stroll the aisles for a while. Saw some really useful items. A tongue cleaner. How often are you wanting for one of those critters, especially after a night of downing Vodka stingers.

And then there were the marketing mistakes. The groovy M&Ms. I had actually picked them up last time I was there. On the package they looked like psychedelic M&Ms, with groovy neon colors, but when you opened the package it was a bunch of scurvy looking M&M's that looked like they had fallen off a counter onto the factory floor and had gotten swept up into a pile with the dust bunnies. They tasted OK, but they looked, well...dirty. Oh, supposedly the marketing idea behind them was that if every single M&M in the package had psychedelic blobs on them, you won a million dollars! My question is, how would you know unless you opened the package? And couldn't you add and subtract a few. And I know I wouldn't be able to resist popping a few in my mouth before Mr. M&M Official Guy came to give me my Million Dollar Check.

Guess that's why I never win contests.

So I picked up a few more things. Cat food. My beloved Poppycock. Gift wrap.

Had to stand behind two women who looked like they were at a casting call for Peg Bundy in "Married With Children". They were all about the stretchy pants, big hair, and way too much make-up. Their mother was standing a few feet away by the door. She was in her seventies probably, and also had on way too much make up, and had diamond (cough zircon) rings on EVERY finger. Like we would really believe Ivana Trump was shopping down at our Dollar Tree Store.

As I was leaving they were having a square dance up by the front door, but I was feeling a little tired. Making eye contact with all those half shaven dudes in the duct tape aisle. So I decided I really needed to get home. You can only take so much country western music before you start thinking of voting Republican.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty