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2003-11-06 @ 3:03 p.m.
the debut of the chaos goddess

Well, it was me and the Art Chicks today and the theme was CHAOS! What better theme for a Bipolar Girl? Of course I'm always operating on the notion that this week's theme is chaos, because that's what it is at the the grocery store...while I'm playing the piano at 1 a.m. Chaos.

So we had to do the usual painting preparation. Had to turn on the boo-GA boo-GA music and gyrate. I still cannot get into this. I am totally intimidated by women slithering around on the floor, thrusting their pelvises and shaking their moneymakers in a room full of semi-strangers. I can't even do this at home.

Over the summer when I was working on anger, I had gotten into this routine of listening to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and dancing wildly in my living room until I started getting chest pains. It was really liberating BUT I WAS ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM. I have since stopped doing know the chest pain thing.

So these women did their thing, and we talked briefly. The Japanese women is so damn deep. She talked about us being part of a universal quilt of life and us being threads bound together and our paths being interwoven. I nearly went into a metaphor coma.

I was just sitting there looking at my shoe lace thinking, "Oh good, its food stamp day. I can finally buy some graham crackers." When it came to my turn to talk, I told everyone I was pissed that I had my period again, after not having it for 8 months. Of course, everyone kindly said, OH, you're not old enough to have menopause...yada, yada, yada. And then the Japanese philosopher had to add, that I should be worshipping at my menstrual alter, rather than denying it.


Sorry, but periods are not something I want to worship. Chocolate, maybe, but not periods. But that did give me an idea for a painting.

So I taped my paper up on the wall. No one offered help today. I guess because I kind of come across as...leave me alone, I can do this by myself. Go paint your scribble scrabble over there. I did ask the teacher for a felt pen though. I then drew a naked women.

Yeah, I'm a rebel. In a room full of women. Drawing a woman with naked boobs. She was kind of a Venus on a Half Shell though and relatively tasteful.

But then I started blasting paint on it. I was like possessed. Purple and blue slashes on the background. And then red and crimson on the pelvic area. It looked like her vagina was exploding rose petals.

I then gave her blonde hair, as to differentiate her from me, since I didn't want anyone to think, I'm drawing nudie pictures of myself. Besides my boobs aren't that perfect. I also gave her a rose petal crown with leaves for hands.

It turned out pretty cool. I was actually shaking when I stopped painting 10 minutes later. Kind of like I had been used by some force as THEIR paint brush and then left breathlessly on the sidewalk afterwards. I looked around and everyone else was still working intensely on their paintings. One woman was applying paint with a kitchen whisk. Another one, the Japanese one, was letting her "4 year old self", paint with their hands. I went into the bathroom and cleaned up my paint tray and brushes and then sat down to journal.

Assignment: Chaos. I'm done first. Neener, neener. Must be because I'm manic. I do everything too fast. I'm too lazy to attempt a second one. I have cramps. This is the Chaos Goddess. Me in disguise. Wish my breasts were that cute. She looks a little like Christ. Hope nobody is offended. Nudity and Christ, but I am manic and chaotic and menstruating after all. Gee, I feel guilty. Maybe I should call my shrink. Maybe I should take a clonopin. Oh wait, I'm the Chaos Goddess...this is normal."

I looked around. Everyone was still painting. They did finally start to finish up, thank goodness. We then did the walk-around. The "I need your approval or I die" chick (and no that's not me, believe it or not), explained how she had borrowed the whisk from the kitchen drawer and how she had "become one" with it while painting. And then each and everyone one of us had to tell her how our lives had been changed by viewing her whisk painting. She had had time to do a second painting where she had used both a whisk and a leaf to imprint the paint with -- so our lives were doubly impacted.

And then the Japanese artist. She had invited the 4 year old in herself to paint...her vagina. I don't know if the 4 year old was painting her own vagina or her vagina as seen as a 50 year old vagina. I was getting really confused.

"You say Vageena, I say Vagina, you say Vagina, I say Vageena..Vageena, Vagina, Vagina, Vageena...lets call the whole thing off..."

Unfortunately, halfway through the painting, the 4 year old decided to make her vagina into an oak tree. Damn those little indecisive 4 year old bastards.

And then the next painting went from being large blobs of turquoise and brown scribbles into a pseudo breast and penis. My God, give a woman a paint brush, and its sex, sex, sex.

And then we finally got to mine. Which was actually ABOUT sex. You know rose petals coming out of the vagina. Everyone liked it. Although when I read my journal entry aloud, which was meant for laughs, it totally tanked. Not one peep. But I guess we're there for art, and not comedy. One person did ask why I painted leaves instead of hands on the Chaos Goddess and I told them because I can't draw hands.

(rim shot)

Christ, people, lighten up.

So, we have two more weeks of classes left. I have no idea what our subjects will be in the coming weeks. But as far as I'm concerned....chaos will always be my best inspiration.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty