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2003-11-20 @ 1:23 p.m.
taking your life personally

Horoscope for today: Aquarius enters a time of hands-on experiences. You're ready to help, even if that means helping yourself. Taking your life personally feels like the only real way to live it.

Ok, I'm not really into astrology that much...Aquarius, Moon in Sagittarius, Leo rising...yeah, a kick ass chart, but a really confusing one too. Fiery yet watery, making lots of steam, which is probably why I can't see where I'm going most of the time.

I used to really be into astrology in high school in the 1970s. Hey, it was northern California near the Russian River. Most of kids in my school were either hippies or had hippie parents. Almost everyone I knew grew pot in their back yards.

I remember once my parents were hiking up through some wooded property they owned near Guerneville and they came across a small patch of marijuana with its own little irrigation system. They were very startled because they weren't hippie parents.

Oh my...marajuana...growing on OUR could this possibly happen??

So they went through and ripped out every last pot plant and then gingerly disconnected the irrigation system.

That'll show those dirty pot-heads!

Unfortunately, they just left all the upended pot plants there, as well as the irrigation pipes, so the very smart potheads probably just came back and replanted the plants and reconnected the pipes for the next crop.

My first experience with pot came in the form of brownies. My friend, whose step-father was an artist, used to feed me these really delish brownies. And boy did I ever make me feel carefree and wonderful after I ate them. Must have been that combination of caffeine and chocolate...NOT!

My friend later kind of sheepishly admitted that she had been feeding me brownies laced with pot. They grew their own too. Her step-father used to smoke pot out in his art studio. He also used to go swimming naked in the pool while I was visiting.

Afterwards he'd come sit in the kitchen with his robe casually yet loosely tied. He was the original Nude Art Guy. His penis was always sort of poking out sideways, barely covered, as he sat telling me how they skinned baby deer after shooting them. He was a very creepy guy.

I didn't actually smoke pot until college. I don't smoke and always felt like a hypocrite, taking a toke on a burning stick of carcinogens, but hey, my friends were offering.

I smoked it on and off for several years. It made me feel kitten-like. I remember I saw the Woody Allen movie Sleeper once when I was stoned and nearly laughed myself unconscious when the steam roller truck rolled over the dictator's nose and flattened it. Fruck that was funny!

But that horoscope today was really interesting for several reasons. It's actually what I've been doing for the last couple of months. Taking matters into my own hands.

After years of depression I have actually been wandering a couple of steps away from my house...both with these art classes and with my relationship with Married Guy. I used to just literally sit and watch television all day. I was a depression zombie. And I used to get lectured by my shrink a lot and I'd counter with "...but you don't understand...I'm depressed, I don't feel like doing anything."

But once I took that enormous first step out the door, and I wasn't swept away by the current, I was able to discover that there are things to do out there.

I am still depressed, don't get me wrong. Today I went to my art class with the art chicks and at the end of the class, when we were sharing, we had to say a few words to sum up the class, I said that "art is my only relief from reality."

And then, for God sakes, I almost started crying. But taking that last sentence from my horoscope today: Taking your life personally feels like the only real way to live it. seems like a really good idea.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty