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2003-11-28 @ 5:08 p.m.
backless and strapless at wally world

So my Mom and I were sprawled on the living room couch last night, after inhaling 3 pounds each of bird a'la turkey, the most boring excuse for meat since...well, turkey. And we could hear Jose Feliciano singing "Feliz Navidad" on the radio in the next room.

"Feliz Navidad...Feliz Navidad...Feliz Navidad..."

And my Mom leans over and says, I wonder what the name of this song is.

Thus began this wonderful holiday season. A season which is especially delightful for poor people. We get to watch all the TV commercials for CD players, stereos, toys, clothes, cell phones, cars, trips, and then wonder what its like to get them on Christmas morning. There is so much freakin' pressure to consume products right now, that a trip to Walmart today made me want to take a clonopin.

I used to work in retail when I was younger and absolutely HATED the day after Thanksgiving. Customers would come blazing in at the crack of dawn. And they would be rude to you and you would be rude to them and everybody would be rude to each other. And everybody would be spending money they didn't have on things that people didn't want. It was fucking anarchy.

Although I did work in electronics, so we did have some cool stuff like stereos and video games, which most people liked getting. Not like crocheted golf club cozies or sweaters with lime green kitties wearing berets.

So I went to Walmart today against my better judgment. I actually went to get an oil change and had to waste an hour. At first I thought it would be difficult, dragging myself up and down the aisles of consumer-hell but soon I was able to get "in the spirit" so to speak. Wally-world has so much to offer!

First I got to meet Connie at the automotive department. Bleach blonde with tattoos on each knuckle. You just know she masturbates to Patrick Swayze. And of course, she called me "Hon". "Yes Hon", "Ok, hon", "See you in an hour, Hon!"

I was soon walking the aisles of Walmart. I heard a "Code Adam" being announced over the loudspeaker. I think that is Wally-talk for a lost child. 10 year old boy with dark hair in the toy department. Hey, if a kid has to be lost, and your parents have to come and "find" you...plan ahead...get lost in the toy department.

I went for a quick soda at the MacDonalds located within Wally World. I knew I needed some caffeine. It was one of those self serve kind of places. I almost tripped over this little old McDonaldette assistant who was wiping the coke dispensing area. My Lord, she was 85 years old, if she was a day. I stepped out of her way, because she seemed totally unaware that there was anyone there. Like in the entire store.

I finally got to the spigot and got a cup of diet Coke. As I went to turn, there was this incredibly magnificent guy standing there. He was like L.L. Beane personified. Its like, dude, what the hell are you doing in Walmart? I tried to think of ways of prolonging my stay at the coke dispensing area but I knew if I dumped over my diet coke, Grandma Moses would be thrown into a Code Red situation and once again, my love life would be crushed by the mere presence of incredibly bad circumstances.

So I ended up wandering the store with my soda. I guess it was okay since security didn't tackle me or anything. Got to see Kathy Lee's latest clothing line. Oh those poor little orphans in the sweat shops. If only they gave you something worth sewing.

Then I wandered into the lingerie/bra and panty department. Well, as you might guess, I pretty much ended up, staying there my entire hour. What a fascinating place. Walmart undies!

Of course I use the term lingerie lightly. Think Victoria Secret as designed by Richard Simmons.

But oh, what interesting accessories. I definitely think there will be a couple of things I will be putting on my imaginary Christmas wish list...

The strapless backless bra for one.

Unfortunately I didn't have my glasses so I kind of had to hold the packaging about 4 feet away to read how it worked (which instantly tells you this product will probably not work on 45 year old boobies).

Basically you take this little molded strip of material out of the package, pull off the wax strips and adhere the bra directly to your boobs.


Of course it does warn you that you should clean the boobie area, and that some people may be allergic to the adhesive, so when you RIP YOUR BRA OFF THE DELICATE SKIN OF YOUR BOOBIES, YOU MAY ACTUALLY TAKE PART OF YOUR FREAKIN' DERMAL AREA WITH IT.

Yeah, order me up a dozen of those.

They also had fake bra straps. They were clear plastic strips that attached to strapless bras to add extra support.

Huh?? Straps added to a strapless bra? Um? Kinda defeats the purpose of the strapless look...ya know, with those BIG SHINY PLASTIC STRIPS.

Plus the clear plastic strips had little designs and beads on to draw attention to them, so they were no longer invisible.

Boy those marketing guys are probably really having a laugh on that one. Yeah, we'll send the fake bra straps over to Walmart. They're stupid there. We'll make MILLIONS!!!

So despite the temptations of the strapless backless bras and the fake bra straps, I only ended up getting with some high cut underwear and a sports bra.

And it wasn't long before I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker at Walmart...oh the embarrassment of it all...there goes my membership to the cool people's club...oh yeah, as if I ever have a chance there either.

But at least I now know, that there is one less shopping day til Christmas. And that is good news indeed.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty