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2004-01-04 @ 1:37 p.m.
my kingdom for a server

So last night I go to get on the super-lightening fast computer system at my house sitting server. I jumped to the second computer. No server. I did everything humanly possible to find the server. No server, which of course, means, no internet, which for me, means no life.

I'm not really sure what happened. My first thought always goes to the most paranoid thing possible. My host family somehow read my diary and was aghast at my activities and cut off the service. Their daughter had been home while I was there and I didn't realize the computer had a history read-out of computer activity and she saw my diary. I would hope that somebody wouldn't click on something that said "diary" in the title but you never know.

And I guess if its on their computer, its fair game, right? I am truly freaked out. I've been munching clonopin like M&Ms.

But hey, I am free spirited person. 30 days is a long time to sit calmly on a couch. I had to continue to live my life. I have no qualms about nudity, or singing Broadway scores in front of the mirror or self pleasuring or talking in Monty Python voices to the dog. That's just how I am. I'm a kook. I should say "sorry" here, but I won't. It took a long for me to accept who I am. I was a tightly wound, closed up shell of a person for many years. I celebrate who I am now. This is probably the closest I've ever been to the real me, and I'm very happy about it.

And even with all the quirkies, I'm still a kind hearted person who loves animals, who is responsible, who treats your stuff better than my stuff, who cleans your house (yeah, there may be boundary issues there, but I'm also doing it to keep myself busy. Last summer I totally organized Married Guy's garage workshop and then felt guilty so I dropped a bunch of stuff back on his workbench and swished it around so it wouldn't look so neat. I didn't do it because I "loved" him. I did it because I was incredibly bored).

I'm also thankfully, everything you would want to avoid in a house sitter like someone who throws wild parties...who steals...who snoops (other then in the kitchen cabinets, but I was just getting the lay of the land the first week. I've also looked in the bathroom cabinet for some soap. I wanted my own sue me)...who makes a mess...who breaks stuff...who brings strangers in the house (except my mom, but I had to draw her a map).

Its just the timing of the server going down, that has me freaked out.

I even had a dream last night that someone came to the door and told me to get out. That they were taking over.

Paranoia is such a damaging thing. This whole thing could be a loose wire. I will be talking to my shrink Tuesday. He has the same cable system as them and may be able to shed some light on the situation. I did call the cable company today, but the woman who was trying to walk me through it might have well been talking in Tonganese. I have no technical ability whatsoever.

So I just came home to check my e-mail. My whole apartment smells vaguely like gas. Guess I'll be calling the electric company as soon as I finish here. That's all I need. A blowed-up house.


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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty