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2004-01-24 @ 8:05 p.m.
Jessica Simpson helps out

You know, if you're going to hit my car, the least you could do is have car insurance. Fuck.

I got a letter today, telling me that the woman who hit me at the mall parking lot 10 days ago has no insurance. Or more specifically her insurance was canceled 13 days before my accident. And yet she felt the need to produce a card with bogus information on it.

Bloody hell. Why couldn't I have been hit by Donald Trump's limo? Why? At least he would have had insurance. And I could have been on TV...a segment on "The Apprentice". The Donald helps a poor girl. What great television!

But instead its time for...The Meltdown. My version of reality television. Ever notice how reality television has nothing to do with reality?

So cue the music...

Medium shot: Wittykitty driving to the library. It's about 3 degrees. The car heater isn't working. The inside of my car is totally encased in frost.

Close-up of my nostril: I'm generating steam while breathing. It's so fucking cold in my car, I can barely see. The roads are slippery. I had just opened the letter from the insurance company telling me that the woman didn't have any insurance. And I had just received my bank statement and only have a little over $200 until February 3. And I only have $13 left in food stamp account. And my neck feels like Fat Bastard stomped on it a few dozen times. And don't even think of cutting me off in traffic, you fucking dickhead. I'm ready to blow.

So I'm thinking....ok, what would Jessica Simpson do here?

Witty: Jessica... are you there?"

Jessica Simpson: "Yes, wittlee?"

Witty: "Umm, that's Witty."

Jessica Simpson: (giggling) "oh, I guess. Is the camera on?"

Witty: "Yes, I think so. (me looking around for the camera crew, and spotting them in my frosty rear view mirror). "Well, you've seen what I'm up against. A piece of shit car. No heat. No money. No insurance. A bad case of whiplash. And my foodstamps are almost gone. What would you do, Jessica?"

Jessica Simpson: "Are the cameras on?"

Witty: "Yes, Jessica."

Jessica Simpson: "I have a birthday card for my mom. Can I use foodstamps to mail it? I'll pay you back."

Witty: "Well, no. You pay for food with them. The government gives them to you for food."

Jessica Simpson: "Oh really...are the cameras on? (giggling) Can you buy tuna with them? (giggling) Is that considered food? Tuna? What was the question? How's my hair? Nick? Baby, does my hair look ok? (Jessica looking around for her husband). "Why are the windows so frosted?"

Witty: "My heater doesn't work."

Jessica Simpson: "What...what's that baby? (adjusting a hidden earpiece). I should touch my boob? Oh...ok."

Jessica Simpson: (giggling) "Are the cameras on? Well, I'm bored. I want to go shopping. Can you let me off at the limo?"

I nod my head.

Jessica Simpson: (smiling) "Good luck with that stampfood thing."

I look over as she applies a third coat of lip gloss and then hear a loud clattering noise, only to realize my car muffler has fallen off.

Jessica Simpson: "Bye now."

So as you can see, reality TV doesn't always have the's only there to provide brief careers for people who are just slightly more interesting than me.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty