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2004-02-09 @ 12:36 a.m.
Liza with a "G"eek

David Gest, Liza Minnelli's beleaguered husband...

80 Botox shots to the head? Who knew?

And I bet he can only look back with great fondness at his Wedding of the Living Wax Figures two years ago.

I wonder if Michael and Liza used the same make-up trowel? And if Michael and David used the same plastic surgeon? And if Liz can throw a rock without hitting a gay guy? And you can be damn sure they all have the same pharmacist. Anyone notice how both "men" look like they're wearing Kabuki Death Masks?

Did anyone ever see that famous kiss David gave his lovely bride on their wedding day. The Hoover kiss? Second only in "realism" to Michael Jackson's kiss to Lisa Marie Presley on the MTV Show.

Of course the nummy, nummy chewy lips kiss could have simply been the collapse of the molecular structure of Botox, which sent David's mouth into spasms. And poor Liza, trying to make the best of her Marriage to a Second Gay Man, just tried to hold on, trying not to slip off the side of her usually immobile husband onto the floor. She was, after all, probably a little tipsy after sipping some whiskey sours beforehand...with Liz. "Or Liza without a Z" as David so brilliantly pointed out as he diverted Liza's attention during the signing of their prenuptial.

I mean, this is all speculation, of course. What went on behind the scenes. I've actually paid to see Liza Minnelli. I love Liza. She's a great performer...with monumentally bad taste in men.

What's up with that, Liza? We know gay men adore you and want to be you, but did you have to put on such a big extravagant wedding, where you point out this fact? Come on Liza...who wanted the big wedding. You can tell us? David with a "D"? Or more specifically David with a "$$"...glinting in his beady eyes? And they are beady you know.

Maybe the Botox dripped into his brain cavity and froze something. Something his ability to not whimper like a baby when "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" comes on.

Of couse my humble theory about him getting hit, was that he had just taken 80 Botox shots in each leg. Yeah, that's it. And he couldn't run. And he couldn't hide. And he couldn't shout for help, because he was frozen into Botox. And you caught him at your makeup table, putting on your Cabaret Makeup. And that made you really mad and you said "There's only One Liza in this house bitch! And besides, you look like Ann Miller on crack!"

And you said, "Bitch"

And Liza said, "Bitch"

And you said, "Bitch!"

And Liza said "Bitch!!!"

And then she attempted to hit you, yet her hand kept bouncing off the Botoxed face. It was really weird.



The second punch was so powerful, that it bounced Liza onto the floor, where she started laughing. And then you started laughing...well, as best you could with an immobile face. And then you helped her up and you both went into your lavish New York living room, slipped in an old Judy Garland tape and started to sing along.

You know you did, David. You're just suing her because she got custody of all the Judy tapes.

So back off, rubber face. Leave poor Liza alone. I hear Michael Jackson is looking for someone older than 13 to talk to, so maybe you can give him a call. I think you two have a lot more in common than we know.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty