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2004-04-05 @ 1:30 p.m.
steamed at self-esteem

I clicked on a diaryland banner just now. It was humorous and obviously belonged to a guy. I got to his site. It was ok. The banner was funnier than him. That happens frequently. I think only my buddy Gerg69 has ever delivered on the funny, after clicking on a funny banner.

But this guy did something kind of different. He had his photo on the site. He was nice looking and then he had a link to his Love@AOL ad.

Well, that was certainly bold. Talk about multitasking. Read all about me, and then read all about me again at Love@AOL. Good job Eric!

Geeze, don't tell my shrink about that method, otherwise, he'll want me posting my Love@AOL address on the wittykitty website. Of course if people read me for more than a week, they would probably run in fear anyways. Why? Because I come across as an emotional train wreck. But I think if my life circumstances were better, I would be better. ALOT BETTER.

It's true I'm still healing from some pretty substantial abuse as a kid, but if you took all the financial strain off my ass, and gave me a nice car and a house in the country with hot and cold running water and indoor plumbing, and maybe a nice husband who gave me flowers on my birthday and would leave me little love notes around the house, I would definitely be purring like the true loving kitty I actually am.

Anything wrong with wanting that? I don't think so. And despite what "A" thinks, I don't expect it to just be dumped in my lap. I know it doesn't work like that. Its a two way thing.

I just have a lot of work on this end, thinking I'm worth putting myself on the market for love.

The only thing monster mom has ever had to offer to me has been the phrase, "Well, you're a pretty girl." Yeah, but being one, and feeling like one are totally different beasts. And worthiness. That's a huge one. I mean, I could discover the cure to cancer and AIDS, and save 3000 people in a building and still feel worthless. That's just how I am. And that has to come from within.

And how did the outside get so damaged? Lets just say from years of neglect. And getting out of that pit, is not unlike trying to climb out of quicksand. The harder you scrabble up the edge, the deeper you sink.

I've accomplished so much in my life with my writing career. And my photography. And a little bit with my art. I've been in movies and plays. I've met many famous people. I've traveled alot. Been to South America. But none of this seems to have any effect on my self esteem, and I just can't seem to figure out way.

So when I went and looked at this diaryland guy's Love@AOL ad, he was a little too young for me. So then I went and looked at some other ads, and they had some really bold and eye catching names like: Rides-on-Fire, Man-with-a-Shield, Loves2bHugged.

I read this one ad from a man who called himself Gifteed. It read: the giftd lukin 2 a fun guy luv 2 chill wit my peeps i work, and school i luv smart gurls, gurls that can hold a chat, i luv sports so if u kno sports then thats a great thing but we can talk bout nething, i luv gur...

Huh? Was that in English? He obviously wasn't gifted in spelling, but you know what? He'll probably get a lot of replies, because Gurls who can "hold a chat" will probably think he's "kewlll".

Yet my ad, which has been on Love@AOL for over 2 years, has had about 250 hits and 2 replies. One said how funny it was and another was from a desperate guy in a wheelchair.

And even if I did have alot of replies, what the hell would I do with them? I get really nervous when guys give me attention.

So in an attempt to quell that, "A" and I once did a fake date at his office. We pretended like I was meeting him for the first time and we were going to engage in some small talk. And I did fine, but only BECAUSE IT WAS "A"!!

If I was sitting out in a cafe seat at Barnes and Noble waiting for a guy from a personal ad, I would probably be puking into a nearby garbage can from intense anxiety.

I just can't handle the thought of rejection. And the only way I can handle my relationship with Married Guy is that there is no real pressure to do anything, because he's married.

Now if I could take that feeling of "Oh, this isn't very important or life-changing" when I'm talking to someone new, it would make things so much easier.

Anyone know how to do that without drugs?

Even having that stupid Alf guy at our table in recent months, made me a nervous wreck. I could always feel him looking at me, and my stomach would be in a big knot, because there were all those underlying expectations floating around. I knew people wanted us to get together. I also knew he knew we were the same age and we should try dating or something, but fruck! Is this just part of social anxiety or me being a nutball?

And then I have my shrink, who keeps applying pressure for me to get a boyfriend week after week. I want one, but there is that huge flame filled moat between me and the beautiful castle (i.e., man of my dreams). And I just can't see myself jumping across the moat with no net or fire extinguisher. Because I could fall in and get burned, right?

I just can't seem to make "A" understand that though, and his head is just slightly less hard than mine.

So, in closing, I keep hearing that you always meet the one you love when you least expect it. Well..will somebody please hurry the fruck up. I could really use some loving arms around me, a voice telling me I'm ok and an "I love you" that is only meant for me. Capiche?

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty