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2004-04-18 @ 5:03 p.m.
how PMS was created

WAR....PAIN...SUFFERING....THE DECAY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION....but lets talk about something really important. My period is three days late.

Damn that thing, doesn't my body know that when my period is late, it just prolongs that other demon inspired thing called PMS?

You know, that time of the month when you go yell at grocery stockers for not facing the yogurt labels forward, and you cry incessantly, and think that the CIA has cameras set up in your bedroom and your bedroom activities are somehow being beamed out live over Iraqi television in the hopes that they will give up their weapons in exchange for this goddess who looks so hot for age 46?

Am I pregnant? Wait, lets me check to see, if in fact I am locked up, with the diagnosis of mentally unstable or possibly delusional.

Well, there was that recent 5 hour span I lost several weeks ago. You know, when I thought I had been abducted by aliens and implanted with a chip that is only activated when I hear newsman Dan Rather's voice say "Condoleeeza Rice" three times in rapid succession, which will make me go get in Alf's car, drive down to the local yuppie market and start slapping women randomly for having really badly done highlights on their hair.

Did I say PMS made any sense? For me, PMS makes me feel angrier than usual yet also kinda...

What was God thinking when he did that? Making girls feel all randy and then Kill Bill-like at the same time? Doesn't make any sense. Was that a joke?

Of course maybe God wasn't responsible for PMS.

Its a little known fact, but God and Satan were friends in college. Don't get all nervous about this story. People just don't talk about their friendship because it would look bad down at the local Church.

Also Satan didn't actually "go bad", until he got tossed out of the University for Pure Thoughts for cheating on his chemistry finals.

Him and God were actually responsible for creating a lot of what we know today.

God's proud work includes museums, white sandy beaches, sunsets, Hostess cupcakes, Johnny Depp, bras that actually fit, golden wheat fields that waver in the breeze, puppies, good literature, microwave popcorn, puffy clouds, cheerleaders named Jennifer (although Satan took partial credit for that one), green grass, irrigation canals that work, Michaelangelo, warm breezes on a summer afternoon, and oh yes, The Ten Commandments.

Satan was slightly less prolific, since he was out boozing, and screwing Jennifer the Cheerleader under the grandstands, but his list includes: reality television, fire ants, masturbation, Arnold Schwartzenneger, pickle jars you can't open, rock and roll music (nice going Satan, but we kinda figured that anyways) and, well, PMS.

He actually learned a little about the PMS thing from Jennifer the Cheerleader, the first and only time she said NO to him about sex. She was being a bitch, and ignoring him, and putting on lip gloss, and acting all indifferent. And he was getting all ticked off, throwing empty beer bottles across the parking lot and stuff.

So he went back to his dorm room, which he shared with God, and God was just in the midst of creating WOMAN. At least the prototype for the perfect woman (he was calling her Betty, since he wasn't very good at naming things...look at the Aardvark).

So Satan told God all about Jennifer and how she had said no and was acting all weird. And God asked him if she was mad at him.

Satan: No.

God: Well, have you asked her to marry you yet?

Satan: Hell No. Oh sorry God, I know you hate it when I swear.

And then God kinda looked away for a moment, as if gathering strength from some deep place in his soul. Because he knew he really needed it for the next question.

God: Well, Ray (Satan's real name), could she possibly be pregnant?

Satan's eyes widened and said, "Oh good Lord, no, we use protection. Honest!"

And than God said, well, maybe she's just having a little hormonal trouble. Girls have that right before their periods you know.

Satan: No, I didn't. What's it called?

God: Frankly, I haven't really had time to come up with a name for it yet. Ya wanna try it? And maybe also come up with a few attributes that might make it more memorable.

Satan: Sure.

But he really knew, he was still just steamed about not getting any with Jennifer the Cheerleader, and he was kinda being immature about the whole thing and he knew he wanted to make this monthly scourge on females as painful and horrific as possible, so he called it PMS.

Pre-Menstral Shit.

Heh, heh!

And then he came up with all sorts of horrible symptoms like: Irritability. Emotional outbursts. The need to smash things for no particular reason. Eating enough trans fats to plug Hoover Dam after a 10.6 earthquake.

And then hey, for some women, why not throw in excessive horniness. That would be kind of a kinky twist now, wouldn't it? Satan liked kinky. :-)

So, that was how PMS was created.

Any questions, you son of a bitches?

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty