2004-04-20 @ 7:42 p.m.
|Boy, I am just devastated at the moment. I was so happy that my shrink "A" was back from his vacation down at Disneyworld. It had been a rough week and I was happy to get back to work, only hear the very news a patient never wants to hear.
I'm closing my practice and I'm going to be working as a consultant in a private business. He said it was still somewhat up in the air, but it was fairly definite and he expected it to happen around September.
"A" has been my shrink for almost 8 years. He knows more about me than any other person on the planet. We get along really really well together. We share a really wicked sense of humor. He makes me work hard even when I don't want to. He pisses me off really bad, but he needs to, because I tend to get apathetic at times.
We've been through so much together. He originally got me out of my mother's house, which literally saved my life. I was suicidal when I lived with her, and he recognized this immediately and told me, on my second visit, that I was going to be moving out. It took him almost 5 months to blast my ass out of that house, but he finally did it with that hard driving "A" persistance. I have never met anyone as persistant as "A". He's such a total hardass.
But he also has the kindest heart of anyone I know, and has helped me out on so many occasions outside of the realm of the therapy office.
He's paid for art lessons, given me computers, microwaves, installed modems in my computer at my house, driven me home when I didn't have a car, made many phone calls to psychiatrists, medical doctors, hospitals, to my father and the filipino mail order whore, to my ex-landlord about a rent deposit and most recently to zenshrink, when he was inappropriate with me. He also put a personal ad in the newspaper for me, as well as a car ad and has even offered to pay for a month on Match.com.
This guy is totally spectacular. Its not that I haven't ever been mad at him. I've been furious at him at times. He's a major hardhead (hmm, kinda like me), and we constantly argue about Married Guy. He has a very one track mind about that subject and will not give up that until he gets his way. He's an Aries, which might explain a few things, and I do get really frustrated with him, but I know he always has my best interests at heart.
And he's never boring.
Some of his therapy methods over the years have been a little unusual like role playing, which can get really intense. I've never in my life, had permission to clock anyone with a pillow, but if I can access that anger during a role play, "A" encourages me to just haul off and whack him. It always feels funny to hit someone, but I have done it on occasion and it feels pretty damn good. He's pretty good at ticking me off too. Especially after knowing me for 7 years, he pretty much knows what buttons to push. And I have enough buttons to launch a satellite at NASA.
Where else am I going to find someone like that? Especially someone with such a great sense of humor as well. He really "gets" my sarcastic sense of humor and can really stand up to my slings and arrows if I get too worked up. That takes total dedication to be able to trust yourself to be able to do that with a patient.
I am totally heartbroken.
He was also the first therapist to ever hug me at the end of a session. When he first suggested it after about three sessions I was like WTF? Are you a perv or something?
But after a few more weeks, I realized what a nice guy he was, and very non-threatening in any kind of sexual way (he was kind of like a big goofy brother), so I finally let him hug me and it felt really nice.
And now I never feel nervous about it, and actually look forward to it, since its usually the only hug I get in any given week.
And I guess its safe to say, I am a total Hug Slut. I think I'm making up for a huge hug deficit from my childhood.
So I am extremely upset about his upcoming "retirement" from his practice. He's only a year older than me. Today we talked about what we have to do, in essence, to try and heal me by September.
Yeah right. I've been in therapy since 1979. Don't think a 5 month excellerated plan is going to do the trick, even with the most excellent "A" at the controls.
Am sure my mom will be jumping for joy when she hears the news, since she can't stand "A". And she will have little regard for my feelings about it, since she has little regard for my well-being. She thinks if I go out to a restaurant once a week with her 70 year old friends, I should instantly be cured of all depression, and become a functioning member of society.
Arggh, if this is my only alternative, I'm in deep trouble. So please, "A" don't go. Please reconsider. I need you now, like I've never needed you before.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty