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2004-05-15 @ 8:28 p.m.
why my need to pee, almost got me electrocuted

Well, it was one helluva a day. Hot. Moist. Electrifying...but enough about me.

We voted this morning and decided to reinstate another No Underwear Day. Sorry "A". I know we discussed this. But it was really hot and humid out, and that summery print dress just lent itself to such an occasion.

I did secure the upper half, however. Didn't want to put anyone's eye out. You know...bouncedy, bouncedy.

Drove up to the YMCA. Looked into trying to get into the pool today. Wasn't sure how much the membership was. The lady at the front counter, who had this weird twitchy eye thing going, was trying to sell me the biggest package possible $49/mo. Yeah, right. I can't even afford cable. I can't even afford cat food. But I took the application. They have a program called Y Cares. Something about a sliding scale for elderly and disabled. Hey, that's me!!

Hit a new art store in search of a sketch pad for my upcoming class this weekend. I have to be possibly the most indecisive person in the universe. Its only paper, Witty. But I must have spent like 45 minutes gazing rhapsodically at all the different pretty pads of paper. I had the smaller, cheaper 11X14 pad in my hand, but then Beezlebub must have jumped into my body right at the moment because I suddenly picked up the really expensive 100 page 14X17 pad. Almost $14. Fruck. Sorry kitty, no cat food for the last two weeks of May.

But then onto the Dollar store. Well, the deed is done. After two weeks of searching, high and low, at all bumpersticker outlets within a 300 mile radius, we've got ourselves a winner....something so totally Wittykitty, that it was only fate that brought me to this place. Presenting le bumpersticker:

I definitely think Austin Powers would be in agreement on this one. Hey Austin, what do you think about me implementing No Underwear Friday for the second time in three weeks?

So what started as a bright, hot sunny day abruptly changed as I was driving home. Have you ever been driving and suddenly some really huge rain drops just totally smash into your windshield and it feels like its going to break? It always reminds me of that scene in Peter Weir's terrific film "The Last Wave" when a guy is stuck in traffic in his car and there is such a torrential downpour that he soon imagines he sees people floating by and water coming out through his car radio...(Well, something like that...its been 15-20 years since I saw the film).

I really had to go to the bathroom by then and I didn't know if I could make it home, so during this downpour I decided to stop at this lakeside park. And then I did something incredibly stupid.

(la, la, looking up at the ceiling trying to make sense of it...ok, lets blame it on mental illness. OK, GOOD! That's settled!)

At this park there are two trams that travel the length of the park along side this lake, and the tram was just pulling up to the parking lot, as I pulled in. The original plan was to hop on the tram, hop off half way along the route, use the facilities, catch the next tram back (the two trams pass each other half way). Sounds good, right?

By then the rain had let up slightly. It wasn't raining frogs like in "Magnolia". This seemed doable. Yay! Lets hop on the tram! Within, I'd say a minute into the ride, which, OK, was a bit dramatic, wind had suddenly started whipping around like say, the movie TWISTER (cough...gusts 60 mph). Oh, did I mention...


Everywhere. Lightening bolts were exploding all over the lake. The kids in the trams behind me were screaming. Oh, did I mention the tram is all open air, with metal railings (a.k.a. Lightening rods)?

Fuck, this is way more fun than anything you'll ever find at Universal Movie Studios down in Florida!

And of course, I'm in the middle of No Underwear Friday, sitting in a pool of water in the open air tram during a lightening store that would even scare Donald Rumsfeld.

See Witty, God is watching you.

So leaves, large tree branches and the occasional dairy cow are now pelting the tram, kids are screaming. I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. Did I really have to pee that bad?

And its funny, just last night I had read about lightening storms in a Discovery.Com newsletter I get online.

Quote: Sometimes, there are a few seconds of warning before lightning strikes. Your hair may stand on end, your skin may tingle, light metal objects may vibrate, or you may hear a crackling or "kee-kee" sound, the NLSI says.

Ok, so I listening for the KEE-KEE. Did I just hear KEE-KEE? Was that a KEE-KEE? Oh, wait, that's my knees TOTAL FUCKING TERROR!

Suddenly, the returning tram was in the distance. Our tram driver, who I truly wanted to climb into the protected cab with, comes over the loudspeaker:

"There's lightening and rain up ahead (WHAT'S THIS????). If you want to transfer onto the returning tram going back to the museum, you may do so. Thank you for riding *** City Tram."

Step on it poncho!

They soon were side by side. Oh good, two lightening rods, side by side!

I practically jumped between the two. The returning one, did indeed have more water on the plastic seats. I tried to scoop the water out, since I knew I was going to be sitting my No Underwear/thin cotton sundress ass into a 3 inch deep bowl of water.

There was this yuppie guy there with his young daughter. We both said just about the same thing at the same time. "Oh water and electricity, what a good combination!"

The lightening was really, really, really bad on the way back. The kids behind me (who had also transferred from the other tram) were still yelling and screaming. I was hunched over, feeling very anxious, hugging myself, feeling the water soak through my dress. I can tell you here and now, it really wasn't all that delightful.

Fortunately it only took about 4 minutes to get back to the parking lot. The storm was still raging when I jumped out of the tram. I don't think I have ever run faster in my life then when I ran to my car. The parking lot was totally submerged. I was fumbling with the key. I did finally get into my car, and then put the key in the ignition.

RRrrrrrr. RRRrrmrrrrr.

Dead engine. Dead fucking engine. I've only had the car two weeks. Just sat there for a while. My windshield was being pelted like a carwash from hell.

Finally, after a very slight let-up, I dashed to the historical museum to call AAA. I really needed AAA, but that's a whole different story. Anyways, no phone. Fortunately the girl there let me use her cell phone. And then I waited....waited for nearly two fucking hours for AAA. From 4-6 p.m.

Oh, and incidentally, I had never gotten to the bathroom through all this. And the museum didn't have one. A nearby visitor center did, but I didn't want to miss AAA, right? Fruck!

So two hours in a muggy car. of course there was SOME entertainment. Three old dickheads coots, were sitting just outside the entrance of the museum. Outside. Yup. During the storm of the century. In direct alignment with lightening bolts. In the pouring rain. Chatting.

I had passed them going into the museum. What are these guys doing in the rain? Oh, chatting. And drinking something out of cans.

So I was sitting in my car about five. I was really starting to get irritated that AAA was taking so damn long. Suddenly one of the old dickheads coots decides to take a leak. Right there. Like 5 feet from the entrance of the museum, where women and children might be walking. Of course he was very conscientious...he looked both ways before he unzipped his pants to take a leak.

Of course, I'm a girl without underwear, but I was still really steamed about him doing that so close to the entrance to a public place.

Finally a little after 6 I decided to call AAA again. There was, in fact a pay phone at the edge of the parking lot, which I hadn't seen during the height of the storm. And just when I was talking to the operator at AAA, up pulls the Big Truck guy.

I admit I was grumpy. He tried to jumpstart the car. Rrrrrr. Rrrrmrrr. No luck. He then asked me if I wanted to tow it. I knew it would be $3/mi. after 5 miles. I told him I was poor. He said he would try one more thing, and got under the car. I of course, stepped away. No undies, you know. He started banging on something underneath and then asked me to get back in the car and try it again. The car finally turned over. Yay!

But the news? He said I probably need a new starter and it'll probably be at least $100 to repair. I have $125 to live on until June 3rd.

Hello bus stop, my old friend.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty