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2004-05-21 @ 9:48 p.m.
witty poppins?

Does something your neighbor does ever irk you, so you must take matters into your own hands in order to avoid homicide?

Ok, its not quite that bad, I've had far worse neighbors, but my back yard faces their back yard. And through a chain link fence, I get to look at the back quarter of their yard. I'm sure the first 3/4 of their yard is quite lovely, but the last 1/4 behind a decorative half fence, is a pile of old tires and various other crap...that they can't see it. But, unfortunately, it is in full view of my living room windows. It's actually all I look at. Old tires and crap. Yay!

So recently, in plain view of the neighbors and the whole dentist building which overlooks my yard, I went out and planted Morning Glory seeds all along the fence. ON THEIR SIDE. They don't cut their grass in the back 1/4 of their yard, so I figured the seeds would be safe. It was a little difficult sticking my hands through the chain link fence and digging holes for the seeds on their side, but, by God, I did it.

I told Married Guy and wifie about it. They had given me the seeds for my birthday. I did get admonished though. Not for planting seeds in someone else's yard. But wifie is a master gardener, ya see. She said I was supposed to soak the Morning Glory seeds before I planted them, and then I was supposed to nick the corner off each seed, so they would germinate faster.

Huh? Hell, I could barely see the damn seeds. I can barely see anything smaller than a grapefruits these days. And I could really see myself hunched over the kitchen table nicking off the edges of 300 Morning Glory seeds (this would be a true sign that I didn't have a life).

Anyways, the point of this story, is that a mere 10 days after planting the illegal seeds along the fence, I just went out, and there are already tiny Morning Glory vines curling up the fence....hopefully to obscure my less than desirable view of old tires and crap.

Yay, me! Nick that wifie.

Fortunately got in to see the most delightful "A" today. Had a little mix-up on our meeting time, but other than that, everything was good.

We, of course, once again talked about sex. I am having a crisis of major proportions in this department at the moment. Can't really go into it here, since its pretty complicated, but I think you can tell by the way I write, that the subject is (ahem) on my mind alot.

And I don't think I will ever be able to find another person who I can talk so freely about this subject with as "A". Am hoping I can find some kind of solution in the coming months. But I did get a short term solution from "A" today....Wanna hear it?




Capital idea!

He also came up with another suggestion. (He was indeed the King of Suggestions today). I don't know if this really qualifies as a suggestion though.

He knows a man who just lost his wife. He has three children and is looking for a live-in nanny. He was wondering if I would be interested in pursuing the position. about something coming out of left field!

Witty, the Live-In Nanny. Witty Poppins.

Of course, this has nothing to do with getting laid. This is a potential job offer. The word "Job" hasn't even been in my vocabulary for nearly three years.

And my whole life would change mightily if I ever did anything like that. I mean, I couldn't be a self centered, over-sexed egomaniac anymore.

Well...that part would be good.

I actually ache for a normal life. I ache for a family structure. And "A" really knows how to tightens the old screws on Witty...he said the words that are absolute magic to me....

"You would feel needed"

Fuck. The whole core of my unhappiness is based of feeling NOT NEEDED by anyone. Can you imagine how it would feel to suddenly feel needed? To have someone dependent on me, besides my cat? Crikey.

BUT? Could I handle all the responsibility? Going from barely handling my own affairs to suddenly being responsible for three kids? Living in someone else's house? Living with a man with three kids? Whoa. I don't even really know how to cook. These would all be HUGE things to get used to. I would be so scared I'd screw things up.

My mother wouldn't even let me baby-sit as a kid. One time as a 13 year old, some neighbor came over to ask if I could baby-sit, and right in front of me, she told the neighbor, "Her? She can't even take care of herself."

I could have babysat. My mom just wanted to keep me dependent on in forever. Thanks mom.

So I have been thinking about all this all day. Doing the usual bipolar tango. Yes. No. Yes. No.

I really don't know what Nanny-ing involves. "A" indicated that I would live there and get paid. Well, that part sounds good, but what about privacy? Would I get days off? Would I have use of a decent car?

I have a lot of stuff. Would I have to jam it all into one little room? That definitely wouldn't work for me. What about my cat? Could I bring kitty? Could I still take my art classes? Art is really important to me.

And I really haven't had all that much experience with kids. I have taken care of Married Guy's kids a few times. Babysat them. Fed them. Played with them. Read to them.

And I have a great relationship with kidlet. But could I handle three kids who I don't know who just lost their mother? Frankly, I don't know.

I may come off as a wacko sometimes here at wittykittyland, but I am basically just a lost person in need of a family. Most of my sadness is derived from being alone and coming from an intensely dysfunctional family. And I think people who come from families like that always want to make their lives and the lives of their children better. And happier. Maybe this is my one time chance to do that.

So I don't know. This is all confusing. I know "A" wouldn't bring this offer to me unless he thought I could do it. He has seen me fail too many times in the last 8 years, to purposely set me up in something where I could potentially crash and burn. And unfortunately I don't have the confidence to think this could be a good thing. Hey, it may even be a great thing.

And "A" even vaguely hinted, that the widower, who is in my age range, may be a potential person for me in the future. And "A" never does stuff like that. He's a realist, which is something I've always liked about him. Of course there have been times, I'd wish he'd just once say, Witty, it'll get better, but he never did.

So, we'll see. I'm sure I'll flip back and forth between saying yes and no about 3000 more times about talking to the guy, before Tuesday when I see "A" again. I am terrified though. Terrified of failure and yes, even terrified of success and potential happiness.

Happiness, imagine that.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty