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2004-05-24 @ 12:52 p.m.
crying, sighing, denying, I need a cookie

Damn, ever cry uncontrollably someplace, and you can't stop and you feel like a total geek? Well, I did just that today, and I'm still in the throes of tears as I type.

I had gone to get my massage with Married Guy. I was looking very smashing today. Had my summery print dress on...the one that lends itself to wearing nothing underneath...

So I was feeling all sexy and randy today. I thought I looked particularly fetching, because its very humid out, and my hair is curling up, all Medusa-like and, Meowww!

Ok, enough about me.

Married Guy greeted me. No hug though. We talked about all the wicked weather we've been having (lots of thunder storms and tornado warnings the last two nights). But he seemed to stay on the other side of the massage table as we were talking.

Well, ok. I guess I was so fetching, it was scaring him. heh, heh. Well, no. He's worldly, why would I scare him?

He left. I slipped off my dress, and settled in. He soon came back and we started the massage. Again, we talked about the weather. Then I mentioned something about "A" and he asked when he was leaving. Well, that started me crying, but fortunately I was face down, so I just kind of sniffled downward through the face cradle. Quietly.

Then I finally told him about the nanny position that "A" had told me about. I actually started the conversation with the question, "Do you think I get along well with your kids?"

I think it was his answer that was a little upsetting. He said I get along well with kidlet, when I'm "not nervous or depressed". And the other kids like me ok, but they don't know me very well.

Also what he said intially, when I asked about the kids? He thought I said that I wanted to have kids. With who? With him? I, of course, left that question unanswered...until later.

He then asked a little more about the nanny position like the ages of the kids and where it was located. And then there was the key question. Would I be commuting there every day?

I just did not have the courage to tell him, that in fact, it would be a live-in position. I guess, he probably gathered that, after a bit, but he didn't say anything.

He did say I would probably have to deal with my mental health issues and try to exorcise them.

Kinda makes me sounds like the kid from "The Exorcist". I do have mental health issues, but I'm not a dribbling ragged woman sitting in a corner, hitting herself in the head with a frying pan screaming ABBA lyrics or anything.

We then fell into silence for about 10 minutes. I was crying quietly into the facial cradle. Finally got that somewhat under control, because I knew I would have to turn over for the last ten minutes of the massage.

So he finally left the room, and I flipped over. He massaged my thighs, and my shoulders and then when he got down to my feet, I said, "***, you know when you asked, if I wanted kids earlier?" He nodded. "The answer is yes. I've always wanted kids"

And then I just started crying uncontrollably. Sobbing and weeping. It was really embarrassing. Fortunately, Married Guy is a pretty compassionate guy when he sees someone in pain. He came up and wrapped his arms around me and held me for about 5 minutes. I kept saying I was sorry and he kept saying "Don't worry about it".

He finally stepped away and said, "Well, its not too late to try you know."

And I said, "I can't even get a date."

And then he said something about not needing a date.

Yeah, that's just what a want and need. A artificially inseminated welfare baby.

I WANT A FAMILY MARRIED GUY...that's the whole point of having a kid, so I can be part of a family unit.

He did say I could "borrow" kidlet anytime I wanted.

Well, at least I have that. And he did ask if I had time to go out and pick him up tomorrow from his track meet....kinda like rent-a-mom. Or maybe its rent-a-kid for me. Not sure which way that is working. I guess its FOR me, right? I do love kidlet though.

Gee, I'm sitting here in library crying. I guess I just need somebody to write me a happy family script, and let me star in it. Anybody got any old Happy Family scripts lying around for me to star in? Please?

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty