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2004-06-03 @ 5:13 p.m.
when a yellow rabbit jumps over the roof is when I'll be happy

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The Weekly World News sponsored Wear Your Thong To Work Day last March 26. I didn't tell you about it back then because you just weren't ready for it. This week, though, I can justify advising you to stage your very own Wear Your Thong To Work Day. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you'll have a lot more slack than usual whenever you express the raw, uninhibited, risk-taking sides of your nature. If doing the thong thing isn't the way you'd prefer to cash in on this opportunity, choose something that's a more unique reflection of your daring side. How about an Indulge Your Fantasies Day, or a Be Your Future Self Day?

I absolutely love being Aquarius. It gives you a license to be weird and people just kind of shake their head whenever you're flashing chipmunks or wearing pink polka dot bras with gray flannel hot pants and whisper, "Oh, she's just Aquarius".

And frankly, I don't quite think the world is ready for the raw, uninhibited side of my nature.

I'm not even ready for it. And hey, how come nobody told me about the Wear Your Thong to Work Day?

Oh wait, I don't work and I don't own a Thong...yet. OK, never. I have picked them up and looked at them rather quizzically. I think I'd rather go without then strap one of those things on. I'm into comfort rather than slicing the Garden of Eden in half with a piece of freakin' dental floss.

But I am rather intrigued by the "Indulge Your Fantasies" part of my horoscope. (You knew I would be didn't you?)

Hmm. So many fantasies, so little time before I draw my final breath.

Well, some of them would involve nudity naturally, like swimming in the ocean naked. I think that would feel really splendid, don't you?

Some are sexual...involving several people in my life. Guess who they are "A"? Several. Hmmm.

Some are emotional. Like feeling loved and cared for. Like say, walking into a room full of flowers (as long as they weren't for my funeral) with little "I Love You" tags hanging off each of them.

And of course there would be the winning a million dollars thing. And being able to live more comfortably and not having to worry so much. That would be nice.

And as long as we're doing fantasies...why no DO Johnnie Depp... Yup, that's what I want to do..I want to DO Johnnie Depp. Just DO HIM, whatever that means. Hey, its my fantasy.

And I'd also like to paint a really fantastic painting, where everything comes out just right and critics fall over themselves and their dictionaries trying to find words to describe it and the staff at MOMA would have to stand by to supply oxygen for people who are just too overwhelmed by the beauty of my art work.

hey...its my fantasy. The least you can do, is to try and not giggle!

And I'd also like to sleep with my gay friend down in New York because I love him. Is that alarming? We all have gay men we lust after. And there are about 4 other people I'd like to sleep with. And I'd be really great in bed...since this is my fantasy. And I'd have the boobs of a 22 year old, instead of a 46 year old. But I'd have the knowledge and experience of a 46 year old. I'm not stupid you know.

And I'd like to eat as much chocolate as I wanted to without having to worry about cholesterol or gaining weight. And I'd like to have Johnny Depp feed it to me. And possibly lick it off me. OK, not possibly...he would definitely need to lick it off me.

And since this is my fantasy, we would have to film it. And I would get nominated for an Academy Award for most orgasmic performance by a non-actress....a new category created just for me by the Oscar orgnaization. And Johnny would finally win his FIRST Academy Award, because of his incredibly convincing performance as a chocolate licker.


OK, today, the guy down at the crazy, crazy place asked me for the third time if I would go out to coffee with him. He said if I would go with him, he would try not to draw attention to us by acting weird. Wasn't that romantic?

Am I his fantasy? He is after all mentally ill and has admitted to having infantile fantasies (like sucking on pacifiers and possibly wearing diapers). Hmmm.

Well, so much for fantasies. I'm still here. I still have $46. in the bank until tomorrow. And I still paint mediocre pictures. Wanna see?

Need oxygen? Didn't think so.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty