2004-06-22 @ 10:48 p.m.
|Well, I was wondering what I was going to write about, since the sum total of exciting things that populated my life today was a trip to the laundrymatt. While I was at the laundrymatt, I walked over to the library, across the street to use their computer to pull up something about our county government which I couldnít access at home. And suddenly all these pornographic images popped up.
Oh...A new side business for our county government...PORN.
I then tried to click them off, but they were all lined up along the bottom of the page...XXX.PORN, BlackPlanet and then some guyís yahoo e-mail address. Stupid dipshit. I guess he was looking at porn at the library while checking his replies from Match.com. What an idiot though, leaving porn on a computer that kids use.
So I meekly headed over to a meek librarian behind the counter and meekly told her of my dilemma. Typed in county government and got porn...blush, blush.
Her: Oh, I have nothing to do with the computers, youíll have to go talk to our reference librarians. But its a very small library, and I think the two reference librarians, who were only sitting about 4 feet away, heard the word PORN, and immediately perked up.
So I turned and walked over towards them. They were both looking up at me excitedly, like I was going to deliver the Ten Commandments or something. I quickly had to decide which one I was going to pick to talk to. They were both plump, middle aged librarians, who had probably secretly read Madame Bovary (how scandalous!) and thought they were pretty sassy for doing so, so I did a quick eeny, meeny, miney mo and picked the slightly, more adventurous, Iíve-read-The-Joys-of-Sex-and-my-favorite-picture-is-on-page-157 (being tied to a bed. What you donít think I have this book at home?).
She walked over to the computer and tried to click the porn stuff off the bottom of the screen and it just would not go away. So she finally had to shut the whole computer off and restart it. Unfortunately by then I had to run back over to the Spin Cycle to put my clothes into the dryer and head over to my group, so I never did get to look up what I wanted to see. Damn.
But the real thing that happened tonight was that I just got a call from Greg, the nanny guy. Iím not sure why I am so startled that he called. He called to get my e-mail address once again, since he already lost it. I had to spell it out about 4-5 times, and then explain what it meant. It has an unusual word in it, and he wasnít sure what it meant. But the call had started out rather strangely. He was bitching about how stupid people were, and how he had ordered parts for something and they delivered the wrong thing, and then he got the wrong screws for something else, and how he couldnít wait to put gates on his property to keep the stupid people out.
Keep the stupid people out? I thought they all lived in Washington, D.C.
And then he wouldnít directly say I was hired. He still wants to write out questions and guidelines I guess, via e-mail. He said I shouldnít move all my stuff there right away, because we should see how it works out.
Iím not going to pull up all my ties, move into somebodyís house, hate it and then want to move two weeks later. I donít have the money to move for one thing. $80 in the bank til July 3. Whee! Lets have prime rib and champagne morning, noon and night for the remainder of June.
And I think he was trying to draw me in by talking about how good creative people are. (He knows Iím an artist). He said heís creative and that his mother has a kiln. And how complex the creative personís mind is and how useful it is in business. As usual I was unable to get a word in edge-wise.
Iím not even sure if I want to do this. I was fine with the kids, but he makes me nervous. Exceedingly. He uses the word ďfrickiní a lot. Is there some anger under there? Anger scares me. Will he have a bad day at work and come home and yell at me and the kids? I grew up in a house like that. Mommy dearest was a yeller. I donít need that.
I was talking to my mom yesterday about this whole thing and she said I was trying to talk myself out of this. Itís possible. I am scared. I admit it. Very scared.
Iím trying to see the good parts. Not having to worry about my finances. That would be great, because that weighs very heavily on me each month, especially after about the 15th. I would live in a massive albeit, unfinished house, with the best of everything. Grand pianos. Wolfe ranges. Security systems. Iíd have access to a nicer car. Iíd be able to pay people I owe money to off. I might be able to build a nice relationship with the kids, and become part of a family. Thatís something Iíve always wanted...but where does nannydom end, and mothering begin? Iím not their mother. I never will be.
And he said one thing that really sent up a personal red flag for me...You would become part of our family. I hear that from Married Guy all the time. Youíre part of our family. Well...not really. Wifie gets to live in your house, and sleep with your furry little Irish body. I donít.
If I was a nanny, I would still be in the exact same predicament as I am now. Iíd have a relationship with a family, but they wouldnít be mine. And as Iím getting older, not having anyone to be intimate with is really getting tiring. B.O.B.s (battery operated boyfriends) can only do so much. How do I go out on dates when Iím living up at Wuthering Heights, taking care of three youngsters?
ďAĒ seems to think that I might become catnip to Sir Greg at some point, but that just doesnít seem to be in the cards to me. I am way too attached to Married Guy.
And the timing of all this, seems to be edited together like some elaborate cinematic car chase. Weíve got the nannydom thing baring down on me, and suddenly things are going really fast on that. Weíve got Married Guy whose wifie will be leaving the country for three weeks in about 10 days. And weíve got ďAĒ who knows all the elements.
And what would he want to do if he were pulling the strings? Get wittykitty out of the path of Married Guy. Why? Because Married Guy is sometimes under the impression that he is single when wifie leaves the continent. It happened last time she left. Things heated up between us for the first time. Nothing happened, but it was the first time I knew I made Married Guy a happy camper with my effervescent presence.
But this time? Lets just say, the wittykitty sex drive has quadrupled plus 12.6 million since wifie last left the country and I might possibly make a mistake. And I donít want to be responsible for the delinquency of a married man. Iím good folk. Really, I am. I donít do that, but the temptation is there. Oh yes, it is definitely there. Right ďAĒ?
Is that why all this is going so fast? To get me out of Married Guyís path? I know it is. The timing is so obvious. And I have never seen you so pushy. And thatís saying some. Mr. Pushmeister! King of Those Who Push! I know youíre doing what is best for me, but when that ďwhat is best thing for meĒ thing is dangled in front of my nose, I get all confused. When have I ever done what is best for me? Virtually never. Which is why...shall we speculate...I live in poverty...I have nothing...Iím in love with a married man...and have no future.
Is that it in a nutshell, ďAĒ? Yeah, thatís what I thought.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty