2004-07-10 @ 11:48 p.m.
|With all the melodrama of the last couple of days, I let slip by a most momentous occasion....my One Year Anniversary on Diaryland (July 7th). Woohoo! Iím sure youíre all sad, you werenít here from the beginning. But when I first started out here, there was considerably less sex, because I was living in a basement apartment in a complex full of pre-kindergarten rugrats who used to sit in the crook of my bedroom window and make mudpies, which of course, is not exactly conducive to care-free master-de-bating.
But a lot has happened in the last year. I was fortunately able to move out of that incredibly scummy apartment, which was so infested with mold that my cat had asthma, and I had to call in Hazmatt Team just to transfer groceries from the front door to the refrigerator. When I searched for a new apartment I brought an adult with me this time, because I have the decision making faculties of a 4 year old and tend to grab the first thing I see. I found a pretty good place (although too expensive) which I rent from the Eye-talians. I did have a pretty fierce battle with fleas initially, but after several sprayings and Advantage treatments for the kitty, we reclaimed the apartment for human co-habitation and gave the fleas their walking papers.
Winter came...and came and came. I think we had about 180Ē of snow this year. It was relentless, but I now had my new friend, Diaryland, to keep me busy for at least an hour a day as the winds howled down out of Canada.
I had the Zenshrink incident in November. A previous therapist I was seeing decided to show off his genital-rubbing skills during a session. And I was like, dearest, youíre supposed to be ďcuringĒ me, not giving me new neurosis. It took me two weeks before I told ďAĒ about it, and then he jumped on it, like the energetic Aries that he is, letting Zenshrink know that other people knew of his grievous misdeed to Wittykins and indicated to him, in one way or another to CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. (Zenshrink had had a previous run-in for misconduct with a patient, and probably didnít want anymore trouble). I get perturbed at ďAĒ, but he is such a great guy. His methods, sometimes, are incredibly unorthodox, but he helped me through the whole Zenshrink thing, as well as many other matters, big and small.
On the personal front....well it was Married Guy all the way. We were close all winter. He gave me a wonderful birthday party in February. Rubbed me the right way on many occasions. Sometimes he would be frisky, and I was getting increasingly frisky too. Why?
My nude figure drawing class. I started that in late November and it made a huge impact on my sexuality. Getting to see naked people on a weekly basis really kicked up my libido up a notch for some reason. Suddenly I was like fantasizing about posing nude myself. And I would do so at home in front of the mirror. I lost more weight. Got more horny. Started photographing myself nude. I was self pleasuring at least once a day, if not more. I was doing it in some interesting places...um...other than home. And Married Guyís massages were giving me such intensive responses, that I would frequently (ahem) massage myself after he left the room. I guess I was making up for all those years where I virtually never acknowledged my body, let alone touched it. And Iím here to say...touching it and saying how pretty it is, is definitely more fun. :-)
So art and sex became a large part of my life recently. Unfortunately I donít really have an outlet, so I have been running sort of wild this past spring and summer. ďAĒ gets to hear about 95% of my adventures. Diaryland only gets to hear about 1/10th of what I actually do. Because Iím bipolar and tend to fixate on things and do them WAY to much, Iíve been quite a handful, right ďAĒ? Previously my addiction had been food and now it is sex. Can you imagine if I actually had a boyfriend, what fun it would be, and what fun he would have?
And of course, the boyfriend thing continues to be problematic. Iím totally stuck on Married Guy. ďAĒ yells at me in one form or another every week about it, but like all girls who are impulsive and uncontrollable, the more you say ďNo Donít Do That...the More Intriguing It Becomes.Ē Right? I think I missed out on that concept when I was a teenager, so I'm just now getting around to being incorrigible. Yay me.
As for the Diaryland persona. Its about 75% fiction. Iím very shy in person. And if I were as confident as awittykitty, Iíd be beating off men with a stick. In reality Iím very unconfident, which is why Iím so dependent on people like Married Guy and ďAĒ. I tend to be very chameleon like around them, becoming who I think they want me to be. And I think thatís why I have more relationships with men than women, because its a damn sight easier figuring out what men want you to be than women. I only wish I could figure out who I actually am and stick with it.
Probably the only area Iím really secure in is writing. I know exactly who I am as a writer. Iíve been a writer since sixth grade, filling diaries since 1969, writing for school newspapers, landing my first writing job a week out of high school. I virtually never failed in anything related to writing. I just wish I could translate my confidence there, into confidence in myself. Because being a good writer, just wonít land you a husband or a happy life.
Writing in diaryland has been incredibly therapeutic for me though. I used to bug my friends and therapists with lengthy letters and e-mails, which read alot like my diaryland entries. I didnít talk about sex to anyone, of course, but the anonymity of diaryland has made it easy for me to express things that I normally canít even admit to myself. Like gee, youíre really stupid for loving a married man. Or wow, maybe youíre more lovable than you think, because total strangers are sending you notes expressing concern about you and saying nice things like how funny you are. Thatís catnip for someone who previously thought they were invisible.
I know I have tons to offer to someone. I know I have talent. But what I have really realized in the last year, re-reading some of my entries, is that even though I struggle, both financially and emotionally, I have displayed an incredible stick-to-it-ness. With all my mental health issues, I could have easily ended up on the streets, but I have hung on and hung on, had lots of shit happen and STILL hung on, and for that I think I should be proud of myself. Not everyone could have done that.
Alot of credit also has to be given to ďAĒ, who, even though his favorite line is ďNobody is going to rescue you, wittyĒ, has actually rescued me in so many unspoken ways, just with his support and humor. Youíre more of a softie than youíll admit ďAĒ. Thanks. Married Guy has also always made me feel secure. Weíve had our rough spots, but heís a real go-to guy, like ďAĒ, and I feel like he would do anything for me (except possibly divorce his wife and let me come live with him in his wonderfully comfortable country manor), and that means a lot.
So that is my One Year Anniversary Speech. Iíd also like to thank the very first person to ever add me to their favorites list....Ittybittykitty (although you had a different name then). Iím not sure what you saw in me, Ed, but you always had nice things to say when I felt down and I always appreciated that. And also for everyone who has added me to their list since. Yeah, yeah. yeah, I probably say penis and masturbation too much (although maybe thatís why you added me), and I tend to yammer on and on about ďAĒ and Married Guy, and force you to look at mediocre drawings of nude people, but Iím glad you could join me. Youíre the best.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty