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2004-07-12 @ 10:32 p.m.

I think we all look at our stats in I right? And Iíve been noticing the most interesting thing lately. Whenever Iím having an ok day, my stats are really low, but when Iím flaking out and yelling and screaming or having weird guys undress in front of me, my stats shoot sky high. Why is that? How do people know that is happening, other than the people who usually read me? Are electronic memos sent out to notify people who might be interested in watching someone melt down, or is it announced somewhere like ĎCLEAN UP ON AISLE SIX, witty is wigging out againĒ. Well, today is going to be a low stats day. No sex. No yelling, although I did yell quite a bit about 1 a.m. last night. Fortunately I live next to a dental building, which incidentally is closed at 1 a.m., so the only person who got to witness me exercising my right to scream bloody murder at 1 a.m. was my poor cat, who was cowering under my library desk in my living room.

It was that damn modem thing again. It has been so tentative in the last two weeks, that my internet connection will rarely stay connected for more than about 5-10 minutes which makes entering diaryland text difficult and putting things on E-Bay virtually impossible. Uploading a photo to E-Bay? Fahgeddabout-it!

So after many swear words, and pounding on my keyboard with my fists (where are my anger management skills when I need them), I finally decided to take my damn #*&$&*$ modem back to the cheap damn computer clearance place I bought it at and demand some kind of customer satisfaction.

Naturally I had to get the customer service rep from hell who can just barely hide his contempt for stupid customers who come in and ask ďHow do you turn on a computer?Ē OK, weíre not all stupid you know. But he was convinced that I was stupid, as soon as I lugged in my big old huge IBM. Unlike him, I didnít hide my contempt for the piece of crap he had sold me. I told him it had been faulty from the very beginning, and that I had had nothing but trouble, and thatís when he started trying to shove the blame back on me


Him: Well, Simpleton Customer....was your computer plugged in correctly?

Me: Look Techís-Ass, I did absolutely everything I could to make sure it was working correctly.

Him: It might have been the phone companyís fault. They donít give a ratís ass about your computerís connection, ya know.

Me: No Techís Ass, I just got that fixed in March. My phone line is fine.

Him: Well, Simpleton Customer...maybe it was AOLís phone number. Sometimes they are taken out of service and they no longer work. Maybe thatís why our incredible wonderful, nothing is wrong with our modem, youíre just another idiotic customer I hate you your modem isnít working.

Me: Look Techís Ass, I tried every single phone number AOL has. Every single can we just talk about something else, like a replacement?

Him: Um...did you say, YOU, Simpleton Customer, put the modem in yourself?

Me: Yes I did, and it worked fine. Look, Iíve already been here once to have it checked out, but the NICE Guy helped me. And it WAS installed correctly. Admit it, it just happens to be a piece of Taiwanese shit defective.

So after arguing, every possible argument, most of which involved me being at fault, he finally grudgingly plugged in my computer at their little computer plug in area and dialed up the internet.

boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... (dialing sound, in case you were wondering). Nothing. boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... Nothing boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... Nothingboop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... boop...boop... Nothing

Heh, heh....gee, kinda sounds like the modem is DEFECTIVE., aye!?!??! Wittykitty doing the highly evocative, ďYouíre a Stupid Asshole and Iím Not Dance behind him, as he quietly said, ďIíll go get you a new modem.Ē

He didnít put it in naturally. That would have cost me $22.50 which I donít have, so he handed me a screwdriver, and since I am now a certified Modem-Putter-Inner, I set to work, doing the deed in like 3 minutes flat.Yay me!

By then some other customers had come in and plugged their computer into the next station and he went through the whole Youíre So Stupid thing with them too, going Pshaw, and laughing sarcastically when the older gentleman told him that they had all their family pictures on the computer. Mr. Techís Ass could barely contain his glee, when he told him, basically how stupid and retarded that was since all computers eventually melt down and that all the family pictures would be lost forever. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

By then I had the modem in and was ready to test it out. T.A. was kind enough to plug in my computer (hey, maybe he was impressed at my incredible speed of modem-slinging), and when I dialed up AOL, it sprung into action almost instantaneously. I even checked out diaryland to see if that would knock me off the modem, since it had been doing that at home and it didnít, so I unplugged everything and took it home.

So fortunately tonight I was able to get online long enough to put 8 items on E-Bay. I was nervous about getting knocked off for like the first half hour, but it finally felt pretty safe. I had gotten knocked off earlier when I was talking to ďGĒ down in Manhattan. I had told him about my Nanny Adventures and he said I should write a screenplay about it. I didnít really get knocked off though. I had a fatal error on my whole computer, so who knows, maybe Techís Ass, put a hoogy boogy curse on me.

Didnít really do much the remainder of the day, except throw myself at the mercy of my State Farm Insurance clerk, telling her that paying $81 towards my insurance would leave me penniless by the end of the month, so we compromised. My mom had given me $20, and I wrote a check for $30. I also paid my phone bill for $38, and now only have $59 for my electric bill hanging over my head. Iím hoping that maybe I can sell a dehumidifier I have for $80-$85 and maybe clean Married Guyís house while wifie is gone. He hired me last time she was gone to clean the house, right before she got home. I made $30. That would be really nice if I could do that again. Guess I will have to suggest it to him.

I, of course, can no longer ask for help from ďAĒ in the job department, since I fucked up as Mary Poppins this last week. It really wasnít my fault though. If we had subtracted the Creepy Dad out of the picture I would probably still be there right now. Meh.

So what do you do when you have no income, and not enough money for the rest of the month? Well, if youíre bipolar, ya go shopping! Yeah, Iím a bad bipolar. I just had been feeling really crummy about myself today and rather than going out and buying a huge ice cream sundae or a 1 pound bag of M&Ms, I went down to the local strip mall, and dug through rows and rows of bras. I thought I had sworn off regular bras in preference to sports bras (you know, because of those annoying straps that are falling down all the time thing..grrrr!). So what did I get? A purple strappy meshy, see-through silk bra. Yeah, Iím a total tramp.

Now if only I had someone to show it off to.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty