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2004-09-18 @ 9:26 p.m.
who I would like to vote off the island...

Well, I skipped one day on my diary yet still managed to nab a Google hit: "My dog mounted my leg and started humping".

Yup, yup, yup. I do run a classy operation here. I don't have a dog, nor have I ever been humped by one, but its all about stats, right?

So basically yesterday I was in a Hurricane Ivan rain-induced coma. It was raining cats and dogs all day, and what better thing to do on a rainy day than masturbate watch romantic movies?

I decided I wanted to get educated on the fine art of romance via the cinema, so I watched "Annie Hall" (I'm neurotic and insecure, so I have to watch Woody Allen whose approach to love is about on par with mine, except for the part where he married his daughter).

I also watched "Manhattan" and "Pennies from Heaven". "Pennies from Heaven" was kind of a downer from a romantic point of view, but it did have some great musical numbers including an incredible dance sequence by Christopher Walken. Man, he can really dance! Who knew?

I was actually trying to prep myself for today. In a fit of "I'm gonna leave my house and talk to humans" I had written an e-mail to the guy who runs my drawing class. I had read in our newsletter that there was going to be a board meeting today and I decided to go. They have a 10 member board which helps with grant writing and promotion.

I had even brazenly offered my services as a writer and graphic artist for their newsletter. Unfortunately, after I sent the e-mail I was almost puking, thinking argh, that means I have to actually leave my house, go to an meeting with people, offer up ideas, vote on motions, possibly do some ad hoc thingie (if only I knew what ad hoc meant) and even act alert. Yikes!

But I also knew there was Free Food involved and you all know how I feel about Free Food.

Also several of my potential art class husbands were going to be there. heh, heh. Well, you had to know there was a REAL ulterior motive. Looking at boys is almost as good as Free Food.

So I drove over to this guy's house for the meeting this morning. Was freaked out of course. I know the guy. He's always been nice to me, but as usual, I was early and had to make small talk. I flunked out at small talk in college. Also my car was smoking when I got there. It has smoked the last couple of times I've driven it. I know it better not be getting sick because I don't have any sick car insurance.

Finally the others started filtering in. First "J", my first potential art class husband #1 who I had thought was gay but turned out was married, but I still have my doubts. And then "K" the seemingly elusive potential art class husband #2, who reminds me a bit of Woody Allen, and turns my vocal chords into inoperative pieces of spaghetti. And then Charlemagne, the Obnoxious French Guy. And a few others including our fearless hippy leader.

I had actually dressed up for the event too. Rather than my usual tight jeans, tank top and sandals, I wore a black velvet tunic top over khaki pants. I guess it was about as stylin' as a Food Stamp hippy can really be.

And then the board meeting started. Or tried to start. And then I realized how truly obnoxious Charlemagne is. Oy! Besides me, he was the only person who was not a Board Member there. And he thought that the first thing on the agenda should be his nomination as a Board Member. There is one opening, and he just thought, his little cuteness should be recognized on the floor, and that everyone should vote him in immediately. So he wrangled and wrangled, and yelped, and talked Boardnese (that's Board Meeting talk) and I was sitting next to him just about ready to lunge for his jugular. It was like would somebody just nominate this egomaniac!! And finally someone DID nominate him... AND ME.


He, of course, wanted them to do the vote right then, but the leader wisely said they would be doing a secret ballot and the results would be announced at the next meeting. In other words....get over yourself, we're going to vote for the quiet, reserved and extremely cute wittykitty, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT SO FREAKIN' DISRUPTIVE!

I didn't even say yes to being nominated. I was just sitting there thinking, I need a clonopin. Anyone got a clonopin?

So pretty much the rest of the meeting was disruption after disruption by Charlemagne who wanted to form committees for everything including forming committees. Fortunately, I was able to catch "K"s eye several times over across the room, and he was pretty much staring at me the whole time. SCORE!

There was also a really cute black and white kitty walking around the room. That kitty must have circled the room about 10-12 times. So while all the disruptive board room antics were going on, I decided to stare down the kitty. And when the cat stopped pacing for a second and looked at me, I telepathically sent it a secret message:

You will come over and I will pet your head!

And it worked!

Yes, I have this power. Now if only I could make it work on single men.

So the kitty ambled over, jumped on the back of the couch and I started rubbing its head behind me. It was very affectionate. And then suddenly it butted me really hard with its head and flopped over rather dramatically and nearly fell off the back of the couch. I saw "K" grin.

Finally it was time for lunch. Our host was going to bar-b-que some burgers and everyone had brought some food. Some of us were upstairs. Some of us were downstairs.

And man, was Charlemagne ever flirting with me. I mean some major flirting. This is really the first time he has ever directly flirted with me. He even had me cornered in the kitchen and I had to duck out under his armpit to escape. He is just a little too much for me to handle.

Lunch was pretty good, except for the part where our host told us about the route of his recent kidney stones through his urethra and penis.

So that was my first board meeting. I'm not really sure if I will go back. I'm also not really sure if my nomination was real or just a way to shut Charlemagne up. But wouldn't it be cool to be able to say, Wittykitty....Board Member. Maybe then I could help vote Charlemagne off the island.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty