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2004-10-10 @ 11:48 p.m.
death by expired non-fat milk

Ok. I know this will either make you think I'm an incredibly wild woman destined to win an episode of "Fear Factor" or possibly suicidal, but at 11:59:57 p.m. last night I was standing with my refrigerator door open. It was pretty empty except for my 29 bottles of Diet Coke with lime and margarine made out of yogurt.

But there was one other item. It was a carton of nonfat milk. And I had my hand on it. I was checking out the expiration date on it. I was exactly 3 seconds away from drinking something that was perfectly delicious and nonfat or 3 seconds from drinking an incredibly toxic, oozing cottage cheesey/anthraxy/I think I can sell this stuff to terrorists substance.


The question was...could I drink it fast enough? Could I drink it before its all important, all encompassing, highly scientifically arrived at expiration date? I mean, what if the clock struck 12:00:01 a.m. and I was mid-swallow and suddenly my out-of-date milk turned into some toxin so poisonous I turned into Rush Limbaugh and voted Republican? What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO????


Hey, I was thirsty. And obviously, fear is not a factor for awittykitty.

Nor is my ability to withstand several hours in the car with my mother. Fortunately it was somewhat watered down because we took a ride with several of her girlfriends up to the St. Lawrence River. We visited her old friend Alf, who used to manage her apartment complex. He was the delightful idiot, who thought it was ok to put his hand between my legs without permission back in February. He's such an idiot though, that I've actually been able to forget about it. I really just wanted to get out of my apartment, because I'm depressed and I've been sleeping alot.

And fortunately, I like my mom's friends. There is the lady who makes sandwiches for squirrels. And then her other friend, "B" who I am very fond of. We went in her car.

Naturally, for like the first time in my entire life, I was like 2 minutes late, and my mom got all huffed out. All of the clocks in her apartment are set 5 minutes fast so it appeared I was 7 minutes late. So I told her her clocks were wrong, and that in fact I was only a couple of minutes late and she was still snertzing out. Now considering I am like the #1 On Time Person in the Universe...shut the fuck up and get over it, OK?

Fortunately, once she was with her friends in the car, she reverts to her 8 year old self. Yup. My mom acts like a little kid with her friends, especially the squirrel lady. They make faces at people in cars, try to make truck drivers toot their horns by doing wild arm gestures, and they sang songs for over an hour. Songs like, "They'll be comin' around the mountain when they come..toot, toot!"

I was sitting in the front seat with "B" who is slightly more mature than her friends and said, "If I were their mother, I'd tell them to shut up." Because neither of them can sing, and both of them are loud. And I'm in a semi-serial killer mode.

So we finally got up to Alf's new location. He had gotten fired from my mom's apartment complex, and then briefly worked at some ghetto apartments, which hadn't worked out. He now manages some apartments in a small town up north. The apartment complex is in an old high school. Its really weird. All of the apartments are around the edges, and in the middle of the building is a gymnasium. Naturally when Alf showed my mom the gymnasium which included a stage, my mother had to get up on stage and start singing.

Did I mention that the mother-singing thing is GETTING ON MY LAST FREAKIN' NERVE?????????????????

I did like the concept of apartments in a school building though. They were cool looking with huge windows.

We then headed up to Sackett's Harbor and had lunch at a nice little restaurant. Many of the places have already closed for the winter, but we were in the midst of an awesome October day, around 78 degrees and sunny, so we sat out on a brick patio with trees and fountains. It was very nice.

Except for the bees. It seems the bees haven't headed south for the winter yet (if they do, in fact do that). Instead they were all over us and our drinks and our food. What a nuisance! And they were persistent little bastards. But the food was so good and the atmosphere so nice, that they were somewhat easy to forgive.

I did bring my digital camera to take some pictures. I had intended to take some pictures of the fall colors too, but after taking pictures of each of my mom's friends, I handed Alf the Idiot, my camera so he could take a picture of me swatting bees looking lovely on the patio, but instead he took several pictures in rapid succession and handed the camera back to me and it suddenly said "System Error". I don't know what that means. I tried and tried to get it Un-System Errored, but Alf obviously did a fine job of it, so the camera remained inoperable after that. Thanks Alf!

On the way home, "B" swung by her daughter's house and we got to meet her family. And wow, what a house! Her daughter's bedroom is as large as my entire house. And it has a fireplace, dammit! That's not fair. Plus her husband is good looking. Like where am I going wrong here? I'm sitting here pining after a married man, while this woman has three beautiful daughters, a handsome husband and a huge, awesome house. And she's a dental assistant. Is that the secret? Dental Assisting?

But then on Saturday, it was back to my sloth-like behavior. I slept the entire day. And by Sunday, I had to be surgically removed from my bed. Of course, I didn't go far. I just ended up on the couch the entire day watching movies (Woody Allen's "Celebrity" and "The Hospital") and my new guilty pleasure, "Desperate Housewives" and "Boston Legal" with the deliciously naughty James Spader. He's not usually my type, and he actually looks a bit like my brother. But, I guess you have to see the movie, "Secretary" to know what I mean.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty