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2004-10-16 @ 10:01 p.m.
dr. strangelove, lawrence welk and belly button singing.

So. Saturday night. I was just standing in front of the mirror. Nothing unusual for me. I do it all the time. Too much actually. But this time I had my shirt pulled up and my jeans unzipped.

Now it wasn't what you think. I was just doing a little Belly Button Singing. Its all the rage, you know. You just grab a hunk of belly between two fingers and squeeze it horizontally and vertically so that your belly button hole is singing along with B.B. King.
What? What's that? Nobody...ELSE..does....that? NOBODY?!? Oh fruck, I am so embarrassed. I am such a geek! What's that? Get a life? Oh. Yeah. Ok. And what's that? And a boyfriend too? Oh, OK. But only if he thinks Belly Button Singing is cute. Bottom line.

I just finished watching the Stanley Kubrick film "Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb." (i.e. Donald Rumsfeld bio). This is definitely a good film to watch right before an election. And definitely a good companion film to "Fahrenheit 9/11". Its frightening to think how quickly things could spiral out of control with just one misplaced fruitcake.

And speaking of fruitcakes, I have a new passion. Lawrence Welk! Yeah baby! I just started watching it last week on PBS and the only way to describe it is Kitsch-on-steroids. Yay! I love it! Its like "Spinal Tap", except it stars an old cadaver guy dressed in 1970's polyester. And its NOT written or directed by Christopher Guest.

God, this show is great. Tonight the orchestra was dressed in mustard colored tuxedos with 8 inch wide red print ties. Red and mustard together? What are they, hotdogs?

I was just thinking how the guys must have felt getting dressed. Oh shit, I have to put on that mustard colored tuxedo....AGAIN! But just think, I used to be an insurance agent in Toledo, Ohio. And this is so much more exciting! I'm in show business now! And the chicks! I've got so many chicks!

My question is though, does Lawrence Welk speak English? He talks but I can't understand him. He sounds like a Flemish car salesman.

And he does creep me out a little. He's a little too animated. He's a little too friendly. And on the first show there was a field trip from a high school in North Dakota visiting his show and he seemed a little to happy to dance with under aged girls. Gulp.

And then there are the performers on his show. Sure they sing pretty well, but all the girls look like Stepford Wives and all the guys look like Englebert Humperdink. In other words, all the chicks are 22, and all guys are 50 with gray hair chest. That's a little creepy too.

But what about those specialty acts! For instance, the dancing duo Bobby and Sissy. Although its hard to tell which one is Sissy at times, but I'm betting Sissy was probably in love with Bobby, but Bobby was probably in love with Lawrence.

And then there was the middle aged paunchy guy who sang a love song to a dog. He obviously had dog food on his fingers because the dog was licking him and practically going into doggie orgasms over something he had on his hands. Hey, whatever works, brother.

And guess who tap dances? Who always tap dances? An African American person? Yup! Thanks Lawrence, for helping to perpetuate that irritating and inaccurate stereotype.

I love the costumes though. They're so bright. And cheerful! The women generally wear lots of chiffon gowns or mini skirts with giant sequined daisies attached. And the men either wear ill-fitting powder blue tuxedos or ill-fitting plaid 1970's leisure suits with 8 inch wide polyester ties. Either way, the one consistent theme is ill-fitting. Poor saps.

And then there is the polkas of course. God bless Lawrence and his polkas. A lost art if you ask me. And he always has to dance with one of his "girls". Hey Lawrence, ya dance with them between shows? heh, heh. Wink, wink.

No, he's probably praying or eating pudding or something. He seems like a decent sort. But I'm sure there was a lot of shenanigans backstage. And THAT is what I would like to see in a Christopher Guest movie. Wouldn't you?

So Christopher Guest (director of "Spinal Tap", "Best of Show", "A Mighty Wind", "Waiting for Guffman"), if you're reading my diary, like I know that you are, please write a movie about that. I think is would be a big hit. Thanks. Love, witty.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty