2004-12-15 @ 2:49 p.m.
For some reason I have been feeling like a crack addict without crack and the methadone clinic is closed for the holidays. My computer is acting like a jerk (its stuck in a MS DOS mode and I can't open Windows), so I've been unable to get onto the Internet and I've been without my drug (the Internet and d'land) for two days now. So I decided to come to the library and write something...just anything, because I have been bouncing off the walls, since I am in High Manic Mode and I have no place to put my energy.
I have been playing the piano alot, like putting on entire Broadway musicals in my living room. Playing the music, getting up and dancing the parts, acting the girl and boy parts, giving vocal couching to Guard Cat so maybe she can do a supporting role when I go sell souvenir programs during the intermission. I've been absolutely wacko.
And when I haven't been doing the Best of Broadway, I've been going back through my sketchpads and re-doing pieces of my artwork, which is both dangerous and sometimes satisfying. I'll sit and say, wow, that's really good or that's a piece of shit, or what was I thinking, or I think somebody should let me do an artshow of my work since I'm so fucking awesome or what a delusional loser. Just the usual bipolar flip out stuff.
And for some reason I can't even sit down and do normal things like watch the television or listen to music. I tried listening to an Aretha Franklin CD and suddenly I'm standing in front of my mirror doing the White Girl version of "I'm Just a Natural Woman" music video with tears streaming down my face because I was thinking of that damn Married Guy guy, especially in that one line of the song which goes something like, "You found my soul in the lost and found and came along to help me claim it" (sob, sob, sob).
Crimany, witty. You need meds really, really bad.
I did see the ever effervescent "A" on Tuesday morning and he did make a suggestion for a mood stabilizer. I do take clonopin "as needed" (like 24/7), but he thought I should do something more regular. Of course the first words out of my mouth were, "It won't make me gain weight, will it?" He didn't know, and since I've been without a computer, I haven't been able to look it up. Don't want to gain back all the weight that I took me so long to lose, dag nabbit!
But there was a rather delightful element to my session with "A" this week. He bought his kids a new puppy, and the puppymeister was assisting "A" this week. He sat in his chair with his little puppy laptop, nodding his head thoughtfully just like "A". Heh...just kidding! "A"! My God, that puppy was so incredibly cute it nearly sent me into a sugar coma, requiring medical assistance. It was a tiny little thing, as puppies often are and as soon as I saw it, and realized it could fit in my purse....thoughts of dognapping were afoot.
But then I thought of the wrath I would incur at home with Guard Cat. She is, after all, the Pet Goddess of the Domain, and if I were to bring in any sniveling little mongrel with big, brown chocolate eyes, and a pink slurpy tongue, that made cute little grunting puppesque noises that sounded like baby cooing, I would surely get the coldest of cold shoulders, and I'm already dealing with 13 degree weather outside as it is.
The puppy though, was very well behaved, during my session, unlike me, who was making grunting puppesque noises while complaining about my lack of holiday spirit and missing Married Guy and my monumental amount of High Anxiety ("...whenever you're near, High Anxiety, its you that I fear..." sorry, I was just flashing on Mel Brooks singing a lounge song in the movie, "High Anxiety").
Afterwards I did get some slurpy, puppy kisses....from the puppy, not "A". And poor puppy. "A" has saddled him with the name of a very famous CAT movie character. Can you imagine a dog with a famous movie cat name? That's like me naming Guard Cat Lassie. Look at all the ribbing he'll get when he goes down to the Good Dog Park. Heh, heh, there goes *****.....the "catty" dog. Oh, the therapy he'll need. But then again his dad, is a therapist, so that should work out. And besides, he's so damn cute, his cuteness should cut across all animal kingdom name rosters boundaries.
Well, my time at the library computer is almost over, so until my computer is fixed, and drugs are prescribed and rubber mallets are applied to the side of my head to calm me down a bit, I'll just have to prepare for my next Broadway musical...."manic me and the tiny WOOF-WOOF"!
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty