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2005-01-25 @ 12:55 a.m.
dreams only an angst camera can see


I had this crazy idea recently....well, actually tonight. If I were to ever get ahead financially (yeah, witty, that is crazy considering you�re only working .0006 hours a week and you�re on disability and you just had to spend over $200 repairing your car thus destroying what little nest egg you had saved for a trip you wanted to take to NYC for your birthday in February, but bygones), I would like to install an Angst-Cam in my bathroom mirror. My bathroom is where I do some of my best �work�. I do a lot of my James Spadering in there. I actually try to psyche myself out by saying, yes, I�m definitely going in there to take my shower, definitely, and than start to take my clothes off...to take the aforementioned shower and then suddenly I�ll whip towards the mirror and start talking to myself.

I don�t exactly know why I do this except that I�m fairly compelling. I�ll just stand and go through everything that seems bizarre that week, including some things I really can�t say here as well as some really strange dreams I�ve been having. I think they are either from stress or anger. After falling back to sleep Sunday morning I dreamed of �A�. Even though I�ve known him for over 8 years now, I�ve only dreamed about him maybe 4 times and usually we�re arguing in my dreams. But this dream was different. One of us wasn�t wearing pants. And there were some other strange elements in the dream which I won�t go into, Herr Freud, but it was a strange one, having to do with a suspension bridge.

Another recent dream had a tsunami wash over my house. The water never receded though and I was looking out my windows at fish swimming by. The same night I dreamt about being in a car with my father. Since my Dad died from Alzheimer�s two years ago, every dream I�ve had of him since then has always had him in a vegetative state. I�ll meet up with him someplace and he won�t recognize me and then I�ll wake up feeling really sad.

Well, in this dream, for the first time in two years, there was a flicker of recognition. I was very excited and it was like, yay, he knew who I was! What a breakthrough! So we talked briefly and then he invited me to go out with him in his car. I didn�t think anything of it, since he seemed �all better�.

So we got into his 1970 Mercedes and strangely enough, we pulled out of the parking lot from �A�s office. Isn�t it funny how your dreams cross pollinate from each other? My Dad and �A�? They did meet once though. My Dad came to an appointment with me in the 1990�s. He mainly talked about my mother. It was a good appointment. I was happy that �A� got to meet my Dad. It was important to me.

So we�re tooling down E. Genny in my Dad�s Mercedes and I�m chatting away until I suddenly realize that my Dad has a glazed look. And then realize he�s not really driving the car, but rather, it�s driving him, so I yell at him, trying to get his attention. Unfortunately he�s in such a catatonic state that he doesn�t respond. So I try to grab the wheel from the passenger side, but I�m still strapped in and oncoming traffic is veering out of the way, trying not to hit us head on.

I mean, how much more obvious can a dream interpretation be? The Out of Control Car means: Your life is out of control. The Seat Belts preventing me from grabbing the wheel means: You are strapped in by something (Married Guy, obsessiveness, the inability to let things go and take chances) which is preventing you from regaining control of your life. Not sure what my Catatonic Dad means, other than parents aren�t going to help, so get over it?

I�ve actually had this Out of Control Car dream 4 times in the last six months. Two times the person driving the car became incapacitated and I tried to grab the wheel to avoid oncoming traffic. Two times I was driving and suddenly became blind or nearly blind and tried to drive by instinct. And two of the cars originated from �A�s parking lot. Is that not weird?

I guess that tells you something, huh? Like don�t drive under the influence of �A�.

I did have one other dream, which was probably the weirdest, freakiest ass dream I�ve ever had, and there are no interpretations for that one whatsoever.

I was in the bathroom of one of my old apartments in California. I was in a nightgown. I was sitting on the toilet. And there was a mirror on the back of the bathroom door. And I was looking at myself in the mirror (what else is new, witty?). And then suddenly I felt myself starting to levitate, and I was like, what the hell? And I could feel myself rising up and then I looked in the mirror to see if I was just imagining this or whether it was really happening, and sure enough, I was still in a sitting position, but I was up near the ceiling floating around. I wasn�t particularly scared. It was sort of like being in a NASA zero gravity chamber. And I kept gently bumping against the ceiling. I could see it happening in the mirror and I thought, how amusing.

I�m flying!

And then in the tub behind me, I suddenly saw a quick flash. It reminded me of something you might see when a slide projector is clicking between slides. But in that momentary flash I saw a young blonde haired boy. He slid across the tiled wall and disappeared into the wall so quickly I barely had time to acknowledge it. And then I could hear the voices of children laughing and playing. The sound echoed off the walls of the bathroom. I, of course, was still hanging out, up near the ceiling. I didn�t know whether to look towards the tub or at the mirror, because a second later, I saw the blonde kid flash by again, but this time he was followed by a second child. As they ran, it looked like home movies being projected against the bathroom wall. And then there was more laughter. They were playing hide and seek obviously...except that they had the ability to run through walls...and under floating women in bathrooms. Were they ghosts? They had to be if they were running through walls, right? And why was I levitating? I don�t usually levitate when I�m in the bathroom. Was I ghost too?

I was remarkably calm for all the unusual things that were going on, until I heard the bathroom door handle rattle and this deep, raspy, demon-like voice, just outside the door, growl, �Mother�s......Roses�.
Mother�s Roses?

And then the kids stopped running through. And the laughter ended. And the dream ended rather abruptly.

Not really sure what it all meant. I did get raped in a bathroom as a kid. I�m sure that has something to do with it. That�s probably why I use the bathroom mirror as my confessional. And why I cry in the shower a lot. I think all of my emotions are tied to the bathroom. It was rather ironic when I got locked in Married Guy�s bathroom last year. Of all places to be trapped. A bathroom. Good going, witty. I never liked his bathroom because it didn�t have a lock on the door. Well, it had a lock but it didn�t work. Only if you forced it. And when you forced it, like I did, you got locked in the bathroom. Talk about karmic payback.

And the reason I was floating above it all in the dream? Maybe I was trying to see who did it. The rape I mean. I have a pretty good idea, but I�m not positive. It was dark. I was small. I hid under the sink until the guy left. I still let people take advantage of me. I think everything is about sex. I feel responsible for everyone�s actions. The kids running behind me and their welfare (could they be representing me, even though I�m a girl?) Myself, for floating near the ceiling and acting too nonchalant about it. Maybe that really my mother, who still won�t acknowledge that anything happened to me, and makes me feel like nothing did.

Having people believe me is so important and so impossible to achieve. I don�t even know if �A� believes things that I tell him or have told him about Zenshrink or Married Guy or the Nannyguy, because everything that comes tumbling out of manic girl somehow manages to reconfigure itself into delusional tales spun on gossamer wings. If he would just once acknowledge things, I would feel about 3000% better and empowered and not feel like some kind of delusional freak who keeps getting taken advantage by men who see me as an easy mark. The ethereal hippy chick. She�s pale. She�s somewhat pretty. She looks like she might like to do things....you know...special things that no one else would do. Why? Because she has those bedroom eyes, ya see. I was actually told that by my drunk aunt at age 10. That I had �bedroom eyes�. A fucking 10 year old.

But as far as trying to figure out what �Mother�s Roses� means, who knows. I�m at a loss for that one. Especially in the voice it was spoken in. It sounded like Regan in �The Exorcist.� just moments before she spewed pea soup.

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