blackbird.jpg (30437 bytes)

2005-01-27 @ 11:11 p.m.
be safe when you wonk

Well, for a confirmed germ-o-phobe, such as myself, sitting through a two hour work seminar today entitled Universal Precautions, Bloodbourn Pathogens and TB, was just groovy. Some of the ways discussed to spread hepatitis included "a client going to the restroom on your body".


Arghhh! Not for $8/hour. Fortunately, the nurse giving the talk was pretty funny plus some of my coworkers were making like high school freshman in sex ed and giggling at every mention of anything even slightly naughty.

Plus whoever made the PowerPoint presentation had gone totally overboard with sound effects, so everytime the nurse punched up a new screen there would be a loud accompanying f-wwwwwinggggg-g-g-g-g or taptaptattaptaptaptap and everyone would burst out laughing. It sounded like a Road Runner cartoon on steroids. Plus Mr. I-Love-My-Powerpoint-And-I'm-A-Genius-When-I'm-Using-It wrote the word BLOOD in red every time. Wasn't that totally clever of him? Wow! Unfortunately though, he didn't have much grasp on the English language, because much of the nonfactual stuff didn't make any sense. Plus there were some major typos. I think my favorite sentence which combined the two problems was, "Be safe when you wonk".
Oh, always. ;-)

This was actually my second seminar in two days. Its the only way I've been able to make any money at work. Attending seminars. Yesterday I went to our "Office, Field and Fire Safety Training" seminar. That was fun. Especially for paranoid girls. They had this video, which had obviously been made in the 1980s, because the musical theme song at the beginning sounded like "Miami Vice".

Anyways, the video was about a visiting nurse and all the things she has to do to protect herself when she goes to visit her patients. And there was danger lurking at virtually every corner. For instance, she's getting in her car and some guy grabs her from behind and yanks her into a van. Yay! Cue: Miami Vice music.

Next she's in an elevator. La. La. La. A Serial Killer enters on the third floor. She nervously looks at her Swatch watch. Oh my...there's a Serial Killer on the elevator. What do I do? He suddenly lunges towards her... Cue: Miami Vice music.

Next scene she is walking on a multilevel parking lot. It's night time. There are Serial Killers hiding behind every car. There are 300 cars, but Nurse Nancy has to get to her Ford Pinto which is parked down at the end of the parking lot where the light is out. Just then she trips over a gum wrapper and is stabbed relentlessly by one of the 300 Serial Killers laying in wait. Cue: Miami Vice music.

Of course, I already feel like there are Serial Killers waiting to grab me in parking lots anyways. So seeing a video like that, just confirmed my suspicions.

Amazingly, most of what they suggested to do to keep you safe in the video, is stuff I already do. So see being paranoid has served me well. I always have my key ready for my car door and house. Always. I'm always hyper alert about all the activity around me. I always lock my car. I always check it before I get in. I never open my doors or windows for anyone. I once had a female junkie try to reach in and grab at my purse.

That was at my first apartment on the East Coast. "A" had found me an apartment. Unfortunately though, it was in a really seedy location and I was frequently accosted by people on the street. I did overlook the back of an adult theatre though and once during the summer they had a nude car wash. Yay me. It may have been blocked off from the boulevard, but since I lived on the hill above it, I had quite a splendiferous view of a bevy of bimbos buffing bumpers. Yeah, I'm sure you wish you were me, huh? Well, don't. The neighborhood wasn't worth it. I think the slasher nurse video was shot there.

Besides the seminar today, I was pretty busy. Ha, ha. I just accidentally typed Busty. Heh! yeah! In my dreams. This morning of course, was A's Group. Man, I must be dedicated, since I not only got up early, but I also went outside where it is 12 degrees below zero just to get there. And as usual, Wonder Shrink wanders in with soaking wet hair. "A"!! He really needs to be talked to. I may have to just bring him my old blow dryer next week. I worry you know.

It's funny when I was walking up to the building this morning I sneezed. Now I'm not one of those dainty sneezer types. When I sneeze, you can generally hear it over the top of 50 jackhammers. So I sneezed about 25 feet from the front door of the building and when I walked in, 4 people from "A"s group, who were waiting inside the building, all said, "Bless You" in unison when I entered. It was kinda funny.

So I continued on, saying I thought I needed immediate medical attention from a cute, rich single doctor. And the new guy Hershel said, "And competent" and I was like "...and single". And he said "and Competent" And I was like "And (cough) single". Guess, he wasn't quite getting my drift. You know that I needed a little mouth to mouth resuscitation from a professional who might possibly fall in love with a quirky, insecure art girl. I mean there has to be someone out there that fits that description, right? Am I right?

This is your cue to nod your head compassionately and act like I'm making sense. Thanks

So, it was about then that Ice-Head ("A") wondered in. I'm not even really sure what group was about today. Hmmm. It was early. "A" did give me a little heads up for attending the AARP Singles meeting Tuesday night. Yay me!

But I did notice something during group. And its funny that I JUST noticed it. Yente the Shrink is at it again.

Have I ever mentioned how I have this shrink who likes to sneak around in the background and surreptitiously throw men into my path? He has done it 3-4 times now. He'll bring guys into the group, who he thinks will be a good match for me (like the Eight is Enough Dad guy)...or he'll send people into my art class (namely Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy, although there might have been one other person)...and then there was the Nanny Guy, but we won't go into that.

Of course, he would never admit to any of this "wrongdoing", since shrinks aren't supposed to do this kind of stuff, but "A", I think, really wants to see me happy, so if he can pull a few strings, and accidentally toss a guy at my feet, and have me trip over him and get a love concussion, then so be it! Mission accomplished.

Of course, he had to help me get rid of Married Guy first. And that was quite a big feat there, hon. Pat yourself on the back for that one "A". Good job. You are Superman, especially if we're talking persistence. I don't quite know why you're working so hard for me, but I really appreciate it. But back to the vibe I was feeling today.

So...what's up with the Hershel guy?

HA! Gotcha! You brought him in for me, didn't you? He finally hit his stride today in the humor department. And you know that makes points with me. He is a little odd though. Where's he from "A"? You said you didn't know him very well. Or rather you haven't had a chance to "yell at him yet". Hmmm. Could it be because he's not really your patient? Just like the Nanny guy's brother wasn't this summer. Funny how he disappeared right after my stint at the House of Nude Guy.

You are a sneaky one, you. He is odd though. Hmmm.

After group, I headed over to the "Y" for a little Treading on the Mill. I'm becoming a total maniac I tell you. Wore my tightest, tiniest shirt yet and there has been talk I may soon be crowned Gym Slut. Got my heart rate going pretty good though. Burned about 140 calories.

Naturally, I didn't want to actually lose those incredibly important calories, so I immediately went to the yuppie store afterwards and ate Chinese food and chocolate. God forbid, something like weight loss should actually occur. Then what? Fame? Fortune? The cover of Sports Illustrated? And then I wouldn't have time to write d'land entries anymore and I'm sure you'd all be really, really sad. Right?


ahem, this is your cue to say "Yes" by the way. thanks.

0 comments so far << | >>

Older Entries
upsy, downsy, upsy, splat! - 2010-05-22
April sours bring May flowers? - 2010-05-01
when finding a head in the recycling bin is the highlight of your month - 2010-03-28
fifty two chances to be awesome...ok maybe - 2010-02-20
its sorta like "Grease" except there's no musical numbers and I'm really old - 2010-02-05


Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty