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2005-03-08 @ 8:50 p.m.
gard kat'z 6th birfday

It's true. I'm cute and its my birthday today. I'm a Pisces, imagine THAT. Me a fish, and here I only thought I ate those things, but awittykitty said that I could write an entry today as long as there weren't too many typos or grammatical errors to make her look bad. You know with her hoity toity journalistic background and all.
Guardcat: WHATEVAH, BITCH!!!!

I actually don't know how old I am, since I have really furry paws, and can't count on my fingers, but I think I'm around 6 years old today. So how old is that in cat years? Hell if I know. 112? -47. No, but I think that is what the temperature is outside today. Not that I know what outside is like, because, I don't even know what "Outside" means.

I mean, I know awittykitty does occasionally open the door when she's running outside naked (again!!) to do naked snow angels, so I know there is "something" out there. I'm just not sure what it is. And you know what? I don't care. I like living indoors. I got me a primo catbox. I can scratch the hell out of the furniture. My food dish is always full. I can yank my furballs out and drop them all over the house and make awittykitty yell at me (that's fun!!!). I even have my own computer so I can download cat porn.

Why would I want to go to someplace called "outside"? Especially when I got so much inside to play with. And I do like to play. Like I like to play "Jump on awittykitty's face with all 20 toenails fully extended when she's watching TV" and "Use awittykitty's stomach to launch myself onto the windowsill above the couch" and "Running all over the house like I'm on fire, including up on the dresser, knocking everything off and then onto the piano and knocking off all the music and then out to the kitchen counter knocking off all dishes and then up on the stereo knocking off all the CDs." I really like that last game. Especially at 3 a.m. when things are really quiet. Whee!

And then when awittykitty comes stomping out into the living room, I値l just quickly jump up on the stereo by the front door and pretend like I知 a ficus plant. She can never see me when I do that. I guess because I blend really well.

Of course, I do have my serious moments. I did recently complete my CPR (CATiac pulmonary rescusistation) training down at the local Red Cross. And I was the first cat to do so, I might add. I had to. awittykitty has a bunch of fat ass teddy bears living around our apartment and they all have high cholesterol and it seems like at least once a week, one of them is having chest pains, especially the one that sleeps with awittykitty. She hugs that damn thing like its Johnny Depp everynight. Its no wonder it has chest pains. So I知 always at the ready...because now I知 certified in CPR.

Of course, I am pretty intellectual for a cat too. I知 a very avid reader. Some of my recent page turners have included: 典he Tao of Cat by Benjamin Hoff, 典he Kittens of Eastwick by John Updike, 鼎at Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot by Al Franken. But wouldn稚 you know it. The very minute awittykitty decides to snap my picture is when I知 reading something stupid like 溺ore Dates from Hell.

Well, that is her book by the way. She痴 been reading all those type books since she split up with that asshat Married Guy. I never could really see what she saw it that guy. He would come over to our apartment and totally ignore me even though I would like try to hump his leg. He would never talk to me. He would never even acknowledge me. And one day I even heard him say he liked DOGS better. Can you imagine? What an asshole!

But awittykitty is pretty nice to me. She got me my own jacuzzi recently. I was so excited. It was just like in Cat Fancy magazine. I really love it, although she does make me share it with her, which I guess is cool, since she pays the rent, whatever that is.

Of course there was that incident on Christmas Day. Hrrrumppphhh! You remember, right? She ran that stupid picture of me with a Santa hat on. How totally stupid was that? Can you imagine anyone doing such evil shit with Photoshop? Yarg!! At least she looks like she痴 recovering from hangover. heh, heh. Not really. You will still feed me, right awittykitty?


And lastly, this was my latest picture. I was helping awittykitty put away laundry. And as you can see it was a really tiring task, so I decided to just supervise from the bottom drawer of the dresser. I mean somebody had to. She was trying to put the summer clothes in with the winter clothes. And the white clothes in with the blue clothes. And the underwire bras in with the knee socks. It was total chaos. She is bipolar you know. I had to do something.

So, unlike awittykitty, who was a total birthday slut last month, you can wish me a happy birthday if you want. I知 just a cat after all and you know how indifferent we are. Just remember though, I do have the ability to scratch a large gaping hole in your aorta when you池e sleeping. Not that I would do that or anything....

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty