2005-03-25 @ 1:25 a.m.
Today I sort of felt like somebody strapped me to one of those mechanical bulls and turned it on high. I didn't really have any choice. I just had to hold on and hope I didn't fall on my head, although that is the hardest part of my anatomy.
The morning started out okay, although, hey Mother Nature, what's up with the freakin' snow on March 25th? This morning when I went to go get in my car this morning, it had 2-3 inches of heavy white snow on it. Its ok. We recently just won the Most Snow of Any City in the Entire Universe Award. Aren't we lucky? Although I'd much rather that we had won the Most Single, Good Looking Men who like Neurotic Artsy Type Women Award, but that sure doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. Can't the heavens just offer up one of these rarities and have him meet me in the bulk pistachio department at the yuppie grocery store this Sunday at 2. I promise I won't be late. I'll be the one wearing the winsome black beret and John Lennon glasses and sporting the social justice pin. I'm really quite charming once you cut through the social angst. Really. I just can't seem to convince anyone of that, including myself it seems. So what was I talking about? Oh, the crappiest day of 2005 so far...
This morning was okay. Although, why is it, everytime I get into my car when there is snow on my windshield, my windshield wiper is always in the "ON" position from the previous night and it swipes about 23 pounds of snow into my lap, because the car door is still open, when I start the car? (cuz you're a geek, witty. Oh, right. Forgot). Anyways, I got over to "A"s building for group about 8:55 a.m. and met Mysterious Paul down in the stairwell across from "A"s door. He's in the lowest level of the building and there is darkened alcove where "A" has jammed some of his old furniture from his renovation. Mysterious Paul commented on the furniture being there and I suggested that we should make a fort. He seemed to be intrigued by the idea and then said we should string a rope across the stairs and trip people as they walked into "A"s office (although, he might have had a particular person in mind). I then pointed out a small door under the stairwell and said that maybe we could trip people and then hold them hostage. And then M.P. thought that maybe we could kidnap somebody's mother and hold them for ransom. But then I wrinkled my nose at that one and wondered aloud if a person would really want to pay a ransom for their mothers...especially a person going into therapy with "A". Because most of us in therapy, are there because of our mothers, therefore, why would we want to pay the kidnappers for our mothers? Why not just let them deal with her. Mysterious Paul then shook his head rather seriously and said he saw my point....thus ending any thoughts of our potentially intertwined careers as mother kidnappers.
See what I was willing to do, to get a date with a cute, younger man?
Group was pretty good and I actually think we would have a potential client in Hershel and his mother. I think he'd like have her kidnapped and then purposely not pay the ransom, although the guilt would probably kill the poor guy. I tried to tell him how I escaped the clutches of my mother in my 30's, but I don't know if he actually really heard that its possible to have a life separate from the person who gave birth to you. He is in really deep. I feel really sorry for the guy.
After group it was back to town for my DBT class. Today wasn't quite as disconcerting as last week's when I had to concentrate on chocolate and not eat it. Today we had to take a sheet of paper and draw a picture with the hand we usually don't draw with. I was actually amazed at how well it came out. I copied an image out of my Keith Haring datebook. True, they are very basic images, but still. It came out really well. Yay me. The backwards artist girl.
This was basically where the good part of the day ended. Next I was to meet my case mgr. and she was 25 minutes late. People that are late is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate when people are late. 5 minutes I can handle. But 26 minutes. No. So I pouted when she finally got there and she asked me what was wrong and I told her. And she told me I had the wrong time, which I didn't. And then she got really snotty. My case mgr. is NEVER snotty. She's a really nice woman.
But this is the second time in a row, she has been excessively late with no explanation. My last appointment, I stood in my cubical watching her shoot the breeze with some woman, one row over for over 20 minutes. They were just chatting socially. And then when she came for my appointment, she said she had had some business and was running late, but there was no apology. She didn't know that I had been standing 20 feet away watching her laugh and chat with her friend. I was really steamed but didn't say anything, because that's my M.O. What that does to me though, is makes me feel like I'm not very important, like oh, its just witty, I can be late. It doesn't matter. But it does matter. It affects my self esteem. And its gotten worse since I started working in that office. Ya know, just because I work p/t in that office doesn't change the fact that I am still her client.
I then headed home for a quick meal in preparation for my support group. I really can't go into what happened there, but it was a mother of a meltdown for the entire group. And its been about a month in the making. I knew it was going to be bad today. I even took medication before I went. Somebody stormed out of the place and quit. Lots of feelings were hurt. People were angry. I was actually pretty much out of the line of fire, but I was still uncomfortable with all the anger that was generated. I've been in this group for over 4 years and its very important to me and its been falling apart for about a month. I'm very dependent on it and now I don't even know what's going to be happening in the coming weeks. First I lost Married Guy and now group. I really don't have much left except "A", and he's going on a two week vacation in April.
Finally the last stop of the night was my new painting class. I don't know if it was the mood I was in from group or PMS or what, but I was in a pretty dark place. The class was fine and the teacher, yeow!! He was really fiiiiine! Yummy!!! Tall Eye-talian guy with long shoulder length dark hair, dark green eyes. I so wanted to have his children.
The only problem with the class was that there were these two women who were sitting one person away from me, and they literally NEVER stopped talking and giggling the entire time we were there. And they were so fucking stupid and idiotic. They were in my age range, but they were like "Am I doing this right? (hysterical laughter). I think I just painted a purple freckle on my nose, (hysterical laughter) I think my brush has magical powers. (hysterical laughter). The box I'm painting looks like a mailbox. I wonder if I'm getting any mail today. (Hysterical laughter). This color looks pea green. Oh I said pee. (hysterical laughter).
About two hours in I was about ready to stab them in their aorta with my painting knife, or at least scream shut up. Its one thing to have fun, but they were constantly calling the teacher over to get his approval everytime they drew one line, and plus they were so loud, I had to keep asking the teacher to repeat things because they were so distracting.
So on the way home, I got some comfort food. A pumpkin muffin and a big bag of pistachio nuts. Because at least with food, you know it won't disappoint, be late or annoy you. And that's really all I ask.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty