"Guardcat has a boyfriend, Guardcat has a boyfriend, neener, neener, neener"
Man, now even my cat has a love interest. Is that not depressing? I drove up into my driveway yesterday and there was this big furry cat with a massive fox-like tail out in front of the house and for a moment I panicked. I thought that Guardcat had been let by my landlord or something, because from a distance it looked like her. I guess I thought that because this cat was lying close to the ground, looking up at the window, with its tail switching madly. Guardcat, you see, has never been outdoors, and I could just see if she ever escaped how wigged out she would be. So I quickly got out of my car and ran towards my house, to see if, in fact, this was my widdle baby, but as I got closer, I realized that this was a Maine Coon cat. My cat is a Torti. His coloring was more gray and stripey. Guardcat is more black and orange. But their tails were really similar. Both huge and fox-like. The cat, naturally, ran when I got closer and when I opened my front door, there was Guard Cat, INSIDE, looking like someone had just plugged 3 trillion mega-volts into her ass, like....
Guardcat, ya see, is a little like her mother. A bit nervous and neurotic. I said her name and both of her ears started vibrating simultaneously and then she took off running. It wasn't an erotic, sinewy feline romp over the vast Savannah that is my living room. It was more like a spastic I just had a lobotomy somebody shot a gun next to my head I'm freaked out and I'm going to knock over every breakable thing in the entire wittykitty apartment while I run 3000 mph kind of thing.
Because that's precisely what happened. Guardcat ran up over the DVD player, jumped onto the TV, knocked off the antenna unit, then jumped to the piano, knocked over a lamp, then jumped back to the TV, knocked off the remaining decorative Mexican table scarf, then attempted to climb the mini-blinds through the curtains, then nearly knocked off the DVD player again and then jumped onto my stereo and knocked off an entire basket of CDs all over the floor. And then with her claw still stuck in the curtain, she started meowing this weird Satanic-like meow which sounded like something out of the cat version of "The Exorcist" with all 20 of her claws in full attack mode and I started yelling "stop, stop it, cut it out". And then I looked out the window again and Romeo was back, looking up at Guardcat as if to say, "You want to go out for a Cat-ucinno?" I finally was able to disengage Guardcat's claw from the curtain and then she took off for my bedroom window which also faces in the same direction and from the living room I could see all my freshly laundered clothes flying off onto the floor as she jumped onto the window sill, as she tried to get up under the mini-blinds to see her new boyfriend.
Fuck. If I acted that excited around guys, I'd probably have more suitors too, right "A"?
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