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2005-04-25 @ 10:53 p.m.
my very own slightly askew micro-climate

"Is it hot in here or is it just me?" is a question I've been asking myself a lot in the last couple of weeks. Its really less a vanity question than having to do with the onslaught of menopause. I'm 47 years old, of course. I don't look it. I take really good care of myself. I exercise a lot. But there's really not a whole hell of a lot I can do about the M word.

I've missed 2 of my last 4 periods, and in the last 2 weeks I've started to experience hot flashes and night sweats. And its not fun. In fact, its downright annoying. My body is revolting (yeah, I think that anyways, but bygones) against me and I really don't have much control.

Like last night, for instance. I sleep in the nude of course. Cuts down on the laundry bill. But I must have pushed my blanket on and off like 10-15 times over the course of the night. On. Off. On..On...Off. Sweating. Not sweating. Hot. Cold. On. Off. Dripping with sweat. Freezing cold. Covers on. Covers off. Cold. Hot. On. offonofffonffonfff. FUCK...STOP IT!!!!!!!!!

I finally just got up and walked around my apartment in the dark. I felt like going out into the cold rain and reenacting "Singing in the Rain" a'la natural, but knowing my luck the local News 10 news truck would probably be driving by and somehow capture "The Strange Sweating Woman Dancing Naked To Relieve Menopausal Night Sweats" and I'd be famous. Of course, I'd rather be famous for winning the lottery. Or curing mental illness. Or Best Boobs for a Woman of 47. Instead I'd probably be busted for indecent exposure and spend the night with Velva LBallbuster down at the Woman's Lock-up in a paper nightgown. And I'd still be getting hot and cold with dear ol' Velva in close, but uncomfortable attendance.

I really don't know what to do about all this. Also PMS is kind of tricky. We all know PMS is kind of Get Out of Jail Free card for monthly bitchy behavior and I kind of like having it there. But what happens when you don't know if you're going to have a period in the coming month. Do you still get to act like a bitch? Like I didn't have a period in February or April. Yet I still acted like a wench...stomping around, crying and acting all emotional the three and a half two weeks preceding my period like I always do. Was it all just an act then? Or should I have actually bled in order to validate that behavior? I did feel a little guilty about that. I mean I had no idea I wasn't going to get my period, because this Not Getting my Period thing is just starting to happen and its a little unpredictable. So why go through all the unnecessary bitching, biting off heads, road rage, extreme periods of horniness which may or may not involve cucumbers coupled with vindictive behavior not to mention plotting elaborate murder scenarios and planting weapons of mass destruction in heavily populated areas, if you're not going to be bleeding.

It just doesn't make sense. I should be using all this angst for something good and not evil. Its the least I can do. Being a woman should be fun, after all. Shouldnt it? I mean, besides the part where I get to look at naked boobs whenever I want to. And terrorize men. I like that part. :-)

This morning at work, my co-worker J was playing with his cell phone during our meeting. Hes just about as bright about his cell phone as I am, which is to say, not very bright. He asked one of our bosses how to turn up the volume. My boss told him and he fidgeted with some control and then jammed it into his pants pocket. And then suddenly it started making this funny noise. I was in the middle of speaking. And of course THATS very important. witty kitty speaking. All activity in a 4 mile radius has to be stopped. Air space was cleared. Traffic on the highway outside was being diverted.

(Just as an aside...I think I might be PMSing at the moment. Although, who knows since Im not really sure, since my body hasnt sent me a memo yet, so Im just being unruly on good faith).

Anyhoo, so Im attempting to talk....and Im so damn compelling. Wow. Im not really sure why the local news station wasnt there to record such a momentous event. Me speaking about my clients reaction to my suggestion that maybe we could go paint roses this summer. It was so inspiring. I know at least 23 people were sobbing. Okay, there were only 9 people at the meeting, but I know I heard 23 of them sobbing. But then damnit, Js phone kept making this funny noise. Kinda like frwkk, frwkkk, frwkk. I finally looked over at his face and then down towards his crouch and then back up at his face and said, I think your pants are beeping, dear, do you mind?

My boss burst out laughing. Actually everyone laughed. J grabbed his phone and managed to shut off whatever was beeping. He is such an easy mark though. He should probably try and avoid me the last two weeks of the month. I actually think he likes being teased by me. I later did our group with him and ended up throwing a big handful of papers in the air, showering down on his head, when I was exasperated with him and everyone laughed.

Why is this all so easy? Im not really sure. Why is he so easy to tease? I cant even tell if hes getting angry. And then after group, he came up to me and said, I think the group went well. Yeah, because I was there providing comedy relief, I was thinking.

Hey witty....pssst witty. You know what it really is? Its called sexual frustration. Yeah. Youre sexually frustrated. Youre PMSing. You got some guy just sitting there letting you kick his ass. It feels kinda cool, because youve never been in that position before and you kinda like it. But why is he letting me do it? Not really sure. I guess Im kind of attracted to him. But this has to be the menopause speaking. Its kind of like a Menopausal malfunction. My brain is overheating and causing me to act irrationally. But then once in a while I think, hey, maybe this is how I really act when Im not depressed. Kind of kittenish and flirtatious. Wouldnt that be a kick in the ass? After so many years of being in a seemingly cryogenic state of severe depression, the moment I break out of it, Im actually kind of coltish and adorable.

Well, I see A in the morning after 2 weeks of vacation and Im sure he will straighten me out. In the meantime, I guess Ill just try and enjoy my life in my own slightly askew micro-climate.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty