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2005-05-02 @ 11:15 p.m.
beware the man eating hole...

About two weeks ago I went to work for a meeting and then met a client for two hours and then came home. Nothing unusual about that right? Well, there shouldn't have been, but did I mention, when I got home, the local D.O.T. (Department of Transportation or as I now refer to them...the Dorks of Totalassholedness), had dug a hole to China at the end of my driveway?

Yeah, the whole end of my driveway was completely gone. It was like the freakin' Grand Canyon. I share a double wide driveway with my Eye-talian landlords. Their side was fine. Whee! But my side, was like a 3000 foot drop off, and I was like WTF?? Because 1) I had no warning. 2) After two weeks I'm still not sure what they are doing, because its not like readily apparent. 3) Is this going to be like this the entire summer? Because our town is notorious for its four seasons, winter-winter-winter-CONSTRUCTION.

Because from nearly the moment the last true snowflake hit the asphalt out on the main street, I started hearing jackhammers. And what's funny is that the main street, which is about 20 feet from my door, was under construction from April until November last year.

We had jackhammers, earth movers, dump trucks, graders, trucks carrying asphalt, trucks with those little beeper thingies that beep when they back up and our street was completely under siege for 7 months. My car was constantly covered with dust kicked up by the construction. My car axle was probably damaged from driving on all the uneven surfaces and unfinished storm drains during that time. And driving the 5 miles along the street was like driving a stunt driver's course with all the orange cones rearranged in strange configurations each night. Everyone's yard for about 5 miles was torn up. Trees were ripped out. Power lines would get knocked out everytime some nitwit would hit a wire. All in the name of progress. Yippee!

Finally in about mid-November, when we started getting snow, everything was finally completed. I wasn't so much happy for the smooth road, as I was for the cessation of noise and the dispersal of fat guys showing some major butt crack action.

But unfortunately it has started again. The beautiful street they worked so hard on last summer? They've gauged a large hole in it from the corner down to my driveway, messing up the nice work they did last summer. The reason?

Hmmm. Good question. Because the first morning AFTER the Grand Canyon appeared at the end of my driveway, some DOT guys had their large utility truck pulled across my driveway blocking me in and two or three of them were standing around their newly dug hole, with their fingers firmly hooked through the belt loops of their pants. They were all gazing down into the dark canyons of the driveway crevasse as if they had just found the Shroud of Turin and were trying to decide whether to call the local priest or try to gently pull it out and sell it on E-Bay.

I wanted to ask them what they were doing, but I figured they might get secretive if it involved a religious artifact with money making potential, so I just nonchalantly asked them if they could move their big huge utility truck. I briefly thought of pretending to lose my balance and nearly falling into the Black Hole of Calcutta, but these buttheads didn't seem particularly heroic, so I just waited for them to pull their truck out and then maneuvering my car out of the driveway.

As I was driving to work I started to wonder what was in that hole and why they had decided to dig it right at the end of my driveway. My Eye-talian landlords were actually on a week-long vacation at that point and I kind of wondered if the Feds were really digging up the yard to look for the bodies of all the witness protection guys. I really wanted to tell them to check under all the cement leprechauns out in the yard. Because I'm fairly certain, that is where they are all buried, but I do want my landlords to take my Section Eight subsidy starting in June, so I decided just not say anything.

Of course there could be a host of other things down there. I live directly across the street from a large Chinaware factory. I could be living on top of a large China Toxic Waste Dump. All the really ugly prints from the 1930's and 40's could have secretly been buried here before our housing development was built. Jimmy Hoffa could be under there. Maybe there's a tyrannosaurus tucked between my driveway and the main street. Maybe there's oil and I will no longer have to pay $2.50/gallon. I'll just surreptitiously sink a garden hose down into the hole and pump my own unleaded.

I don't know what's down there, but you know what? It appears that the D.O.T. guys don't either and have lost all interest in the massive 10X10' hole at the end of my driveway. Because two weeks later it is still there and nobody has touched it since the first day it was dug. It just has those stupid safety roadblock thingies around the edges of it, you know, the ones I have to maneuver around everytime I back out of my drive way. Man, talk about annoying. Grrr.

It was good to get back to work today. I had blown off a meeting Friday by sleeping until noon. I'm having really bad problems with sleeping. As well as chocolate consumption. I'm usually pretty good about keeping the cookie/candy/ice cream consumption somewhere under 120,000 calories a day, but lately, I don't know if its PMS/menopause/PMS-o-pause, but I just basically can't stop eating. And even though I am an avid exerciser I am starting to worry that my calories intake will soon start exceeding my calorie burning abilities and that my stomach will soon start exceeding my pants wearing abilities. Eck.

So today at work I was bragging to some folks about how I had walked 30 miles in the last three weeks, because we're going to be having a 6k corporate challenge in August and I wanted everyone to know what good shape I'm in. That's if my ass isn't in training for a Macy's Day Thanksgiving Day balloon by then. I'll have to talk to "A" about how to reverse this trend, since I'm not really sure what's causing it.

I did have a good time with "J", my favorite object of man-torturing at work today. That's another thing I have to talk to "A" about. My growing affection for yet another married man. FUCK WITTY! YOU DIMWIT!! But damnit. He is so nice to me. Today we went out to lunch together, just the two of us and when we were going down in the elevator I was doing the usual, I'm ca-ca speech. It really wasn't that bad. I was just saying the only thing I really have going for me is that I have a good sense of humor. And he slumped back against the wall of the elevator, like he had been hit with a 20 pound fish and said, "That is so not true. I don't know how you can say that. You have SO MUCH going for you. You're pretty, you're intelligent, you're nice, you're funny. " And I was like "Stop. My head will get so big, I'll break the elevator and we'll be trapped." And he smiled and said, "That's ok." Oy! Married men. Bad Married Man. They must be punished.

And then when we got to the restaurant, we continued to chat and I said that now that I lost my support group I really only had "A" as a support, and he looked at me and said, "Well, you have me too."

Yarg. That makes me so nervous when people are nice to me. I always think there's an ulterior motive. And it also makes me have feelings for someone saying nice things to me. And "J" and I get along so well. I tease him so much in our group. I make people in our group laugh alot. He'll get a little melodramatic (he's a bit of a male drama queen) and I'll just puncture that little dramaqueenitis with some kind of a joke and he'll do this humorous double take like Jack Benny. And then after group we'll talk for like another 40 minutes. And even though I have trouble talking to people, "J" makes it so easy. Damn-ity, damn damn damn.

Maybe I can introduce him to my man-eating hole.

heh, wait, that didn't quite come out right....

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