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2005-05-16 @ 1:13 a.m.
close encounters of the weird kind, all with no paragraph breaks and a gratutious picture of Buckwheat

Ok, this was really weird last night. I have insomnia ya see. So occasionally, ok, I'm always up late. Last night I was up especially late. Like 2:23 a.m. late. Well, actually, that's not really the late part. I was just walking out in the kitchen at that point. My old Eye-talian landlord, Grumpy Corleone, was propped up as usual in his kitchen chair. I swear, he must sit in that damn thing like 23 hours a day. Oh my God. I just thought of something. Maybe its like in "Psycho" where he's really dead, but his wife is propping him up in the chair like he's alive, because she was finally fed up with him and killed him. But he's eaten so much food saturated with preservatives, that she'll probably have a good month out of him, before, say his nose falls off or something. Anyways, so he was sitting in his kitchen chair and I was standing at my kitchen sink, taking my sleeping pills. Yeah, I know, I should have taken them like at 11 p.m. instead of 2:23 a.m. because then there would have been a slight possibility that maybe, just maybe I would have been to sleep by now, but no. I was online writing my diaryland entry like a good little diaryland entry writer, because hell, where the hell was everyone this weekend? There were only a few entries to read all weekend. No fair going out and having fun and not writing about it. So I took my pills, went to the bathroom, yeah TMI (too much information) and then went back out into the kitchen and Grumpy Corleone had presumably hit the sack because the kitchen light was off. By then it was around 2:30 a.m. So I went into my bedroom and signed off AOL and then turned off my computer and then got undressed and then got under the covers and then shut off the lights. You got the picture? Kind of like someone going to bed? So I was laying in bed, hugging my teddy bear like I always do, since I'm such a loser in the date department and don't have a real person to hug, but bygones, and I was just about ready to drift off to sleep at about 3:13 a.m. when suddenly the fuck out of NOWHERE(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) my computer printer starts up and goes through a whole page printing cycle. Of course, I was totally freaked out because I was there laying in bed with my teddy bear, presumably alone, presumably with my computer in the OFF position and since the printer doesn't work with the computer in the OFF position, and I'm in bed like 5 feet away quivering like Richard Simmons might quiver if he ever saw himself naked without special lighting, I nervously stuck my hand out and flicked on the light switch. AND.......well, there's no one there fortunately, but Guardcat was sitting down on the bottom of the bed looking like:

So I slowly got out of bed and slipped on a nightgown and looked at the printer and there was no printed page. By then though, I was shaking pretty good so I decided to go out to the bathroom once again, since I always take comfort in the bathroom late at night. Its a good place to clean when you're shaking because your printer is haunted. Suddenly I smell grill cheeses cooking. I swear to God. I wondered if there was a wire shorting out somewhere, because damn, it really did smell like grill cheeses with perhaps a few peppers on them cooking somewhere in the house. And then on the way to the bathroom, I could also suddenly hear this low droning noise. Now I live across the street/field from a large chinaware factory and sometimes late at night I can hear this kind of low droning noise from the factory, but this sounded closer and I kind of wondered if it had something to do with the fire station across the street, so I decided to open the front door and walk outside at 3:17 a.m. and walk down to the end of my walkway, where I could get a good view of the fire station. So I'm walking barefoot down the sidewalk, in my little yellow nighty, actually kind of hoping that the cute chiropractor who lives next door might look out and totally fall in love with me because I'm so cute in my little yellow nighty, but first things first, the droning noise and trying to figure out where its emanating from. It had been raining so the sidewalk was wet. It actually felt kind of sexy on my feet, the warm moisture, and there was also a slight breeze blowing the thin material against my nakedness, and that was feeling kind of HOT, but, heh, heh, that's a whole other entry, so I got to the driveway and suddenly realize, WTF, my landlord's car is running. And there's no one in the car. And his house is dark. That's kinda weird. A car running by itself at 3: 21 a.m. out in a driveway by a darkened house. Hmm. Its funny I didn't once think that there might be some crackhead crouched down in the front seat hot wiring the damn thing, because I know that my landlords have a self starter because they used to show me up all last winter, by starting their car from the warmth and safety of their dining room while I was struggling to knock 33" of snow off my car which may or may not start. So I peeked around the corner to look at my landlord's house and it was dark. I was thinking, do I go in the house and call them and say, "Ahem, by the way, your car is on. Were you just warming it up for when you go to the store in the morning?" But then my landlord is extremely grumpy and I think calling him at 3:22 a.m. would really piss him off, so I just tiptoed back up my sidewalk and went into my house and Guardcat was still on the bed looking like:

But then again, she almost always looks like that, since she's pretty much a spazz like her mother. But I was still curious about my landlord and when I went over to my kitchen window once again...surprise, his lights were on! Although he wasn't sitting in the Master of His Domain chair. It was empty. So I headed back into my bedroom and looked out. Unfortunately I couldn't quite see the car from my window, but I could still hear that it was on. By now though, it was heading towards 4 a.m. and I was really wondering what the hell was going on. Like, what caused my printer, which had no power, to suddenly erupt into full print mode. And what caused my landlord's Chrysler LeBaron to presumably start under its own volition at 3:13 in the morning. And then I started thinking about that movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", where the little kid is in the house and an alien space ship hovers overhead and suddenly all the appliances go wacka wacka, and the stove turns on and doors thump and light bulbs pop and the little kid is totally fearless. In fact he runs outdoors and merrily chases after the damn thing and then Thwwooooop. He's gone. My God, that could have just happened to me. I was kind of in an altered state. I mean smelling grill cheeses, and all. Who knows what was hovering over my house? Maybe I have a microchip in my neck from when I was abducted as a child and the aliens were just looking for me, to see how I was doing and to ask if I had had any dates yet in my 40s. (no). And then my mom this morning, as I when telling her about all this, had the nerve to ask me if I was really awake or whether I was dreaming. Can you imagine? Of course I was awake. She's the one who's always waking up saying some guy is standing in the door way of her bedroom (you wish, momsy). So I don't really know what REALLY happened last night, although out on the main street in front of the chiropractor's house there were 4 little white piles of ash forming a spherical polygon on the road, and I just kind of wonder, if that was where the alien space craft landed at 3:13 a.m. last night. I mean, its possible. Because that was the very moment my laser printer decided to print a page that wasn't there.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty