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2005-05-27 @ 9:41 p.m.

Its never a good sign when an x-ray technician comes towards you with a tray of cups, grins slightly and compares what you are about to drink to a stunt on "Fear Factor". And that's precisely what happened around 9:15 this morning. I had two cups that were 3/4 full of something that could only be described as cementy looking, and then two shot with large white crystals and one with water. When the technician made the crack about Fear Factor, I asked her if I drank it, would I be in the running to win $50,000. Hey, it was a legitimate question....SHE BROUGHT IT UP.

No. Of course not. They were only two cups of barium for an upper GI series. The white crystals were something I put up my nose in my mouth and then swallowed some water and it expanded my esophagus. The tech wanted to stand there and watch me do it, but I felt stupid, so I asked her to turn away. I don't know what she thought I was going to do, except maybe cheat and fling it over my shoulder or something. I just didn't know what to expect and I hate looking uncool. The crystals just kind of fizzled in my mouth as I swallowed them. Can't say that I really felt my esophagus doing the macarena or anything, because then it was time for (cue dramatic music): THE BARIUM.

And yes, THAT was like a Fear Factor challenge. All I kept wondering was....I know there's ground up earthworms/grubs/ant testicles/cow eyeballs in there somewhere, just because the stuff was that putrid. I was also thinking how I looked as I was drinking it. Was I looking like one of the contestants from "Fear Factor" who just guzzle those earthworm milkshakes right down. Or the person who drinks them hesitantly. Or the person who is obviously playing a mind game with themselves, trying to only think of the outcome of when the cup is empty. Or is it the person like me. Heh...

God, this shit tastes like ground up cow udders dragged through nuclear waste and then 29 hobos peed on it. Yarg. I think I'm going to die. Help. This sucks. I hate this. This totally sucks. I'm dying. Help. I need CPR. Help. Fuck. Argghhhh!

X-Ray Tech: "Excuse me miss, are you ready to drink the barium, yet?"

Me: "Ummm, I guess...."

Yeah, I'm a total baby. I admit it. I had a really hard time drinking it. I tried to pretend it tasted like a vanilla milkshake, since it kind of looked like one. Except for the gray cement color. I got through the first one fairly well, but the second one. I started to think, you know, I may drink this, but the possibility of having it spray out of either one or both of my nostrils is suddenly looking more and more possible. And since there was no wastebasket around to hork into, and no Joe Rogan to make fun of me, what fun is that?

So I didn't quite make it through the second "milkshake".

The technician finally came and got me and then it was "showtime!!" Or as they say in show biz, "Time for my close-up...." I had to take off my pentacle necklace. Can you imagine? That would have been so cool. Having a picture of my esophagus framed with a cool looking pentacle. But no. No pentacle. The first snapshots were taken of me standing up and then the spookiest thing happened. The doctor said to turn towards the table and then he hit this button and suddenly the whole table starting going horizontal. I had to grab onto the sides of it since I was suddenly no longer standing. It did freak me out. I would have been perfectly happy to just step away from the table while it went horizontal instead of holding onto it like some stranded girl accidentally caught holding onto the wing of a 747 jet while it was taking off. So again, with the feeling stupid thing.

Several x-rays were taken. And then the feeling stupid #3 happened. The doctor said, in order for me to coat my intestines with barium, I had to roll over three times on the table. The big x-ray machine was about 1 inch above me, so quarters were really tight. Plus I felt like Fluffy the Westie rolling over for a doggie cookie. Was the doctor enjoying this? My little x-ray nightie was getting all bunched up between my thighs as I was trying to roll over and my hair definitely had that sexy tossed look.

About the only good part was that I was able to see my intestines. COOOL! The little television screen was right by my head and I could see my innards, and I'm here to say, if I put them on, I just know, I'd get a huge response. I know it!! What do you think "A"? is having a free 3 day trial thingie this weekend. Maybe I could get a copy of my x-rays and throw them up. Wouldn't that be neat?

Anyways, I had to go wait in the little tiny cubical waiting room 3 separate times and my appointment ran for over 2 hours. I was actually starting to wonder if there was something wrong. I was sitting in my little cubical thing reading about Britney's pregnancy and about Ann Coulter's rise to stardom(?). The last visit with the doctor, he did give me some kind of bad news. I have a hiatal hernia.

I don't know much about them, but I do know my mom had one and she pretty much barfed every single night for my entire teenagehood at dinner time. It was so much fun. We'd start to eat dinner and then she'd get this certain look and start making this weird "ack" noise and then run in the bathroom and start throwing up with the door open. Every. Single. Night. Talk about ambiance! Yay! Tres enjoyable. I felt bad for her, but she chose to never do one blessed thing about it. And I was never allowed to say, do you mind closing the door when you puke, because of the hardship of her puking, so I had to listen to it every single night. Ga!

So I'm not sure what will be done. I don't puke. I get heartburn once in a great, great while, but not very often. Hmmm.

I finally got out and got something to eat around noon, but I was pretty nauseous from all the barium. I had Chinese food, which may not have been the best choice. I had initially stopped over at my mom's to tell her the news and she offered to make me eggs, but something about eggs and barium just made me want to urp. She was all excited that I had something "she had". Yeah...I know (sigh).

I had hoped to walk along the Parkway, but I was starting to have diarrhea so I just headed to work. I was to meet my newest client. My boss had initially said she was a woman around 50, as in 3 years older then me. Ok fine. Great! And then she became a woman between 50 and 60. And then today she became a 60 year old woman. My boss knows I like working with younger people because I'm so physically active. That's not very fair. The woman's age is right on her form, so my boss knew from the beginning. So now I have a 60 year old woman who doesn't like to walk, who is very inactive and who smokes. Ugh. She also doesn't have any teeth. I know my boss knew I wasn't real happy during the intake. I was barely participating. Of course, to be honest, I was also feeling very poorly. I guess I'll get over it. This woman's big thrill is to go to the Dollar Store. So to the Dollar Store, we'll go. Whee!

I finally got home around 4 and went straight to bed for an hour's nap and since then I have spent quite a bit of quality time worshipping at the porcelain throne. So if you know anyone who needs a human nightlight, I'm fairly certain I still have enough barium in me to still provide enough light to read by. Give me a call. 1-800-asslight.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty