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2005-05-30 @ 12:15 a.m.

Amazing I just stole a meme
from Pandi and I don't even know what a meme is. Ha! But she made it seem really fun, so I thought I would do my version of the Meme (isn't that the secretary on the Drew Cary Show) and see what happens. So here goes:

My uncle once surfed on an imaginary surf board at a fancy wedding when they played "Wipeout" and then fell off into the imaginary ocean and flailed around like he was drowning. Amazingly, he wasn't even drunk. He's just sort of Monty Pythonish kind of guy.

Never in my life have I ever had a new car. I do remember my parents having a new car once when I was a little kid. Our monkey got in the back seat the first day we brought it home and pooped. Heh. No more new car smell.

When I was five I had my one and only overnight hospital stay. I had my tonsils out.

High School was was the best time in my life. I had a lot of friends. I bloomed academically. I was the star of the school newspaper. I played the piano for all the school theatre productions. I loved high school.

I will never forget watching the filming of "American Graffiti" or seeing rock star Janis Joplin walking at the mall in Marin County or waiting on Robin Williams at Macys or watching my cat Maddie give birth to 3 kittens or getting my first massage or driving across the country in 1968 or seeing the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time or catching sight of the Statue of Liberty from the Staten Island Ferry shortly after 9/11 and getting a lump in my throat or working as a movie extra on "Sister Act" or finally getting a job recently after being unemployed for 4 years. I could go on, but....

I once met celebrities on a regular basis. My first one was Ed Sullivan when I was 5. And Jackie Gleason, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Ann Miller, Mickey Rooney, Alan Alda, Gloria Steinham, Florence Henderson, Shirley MacLaine, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Joel Grey, Liza Minnelli, Bill Macy, Martin Mull, Lena Horne, Jack Lemmon, Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone, Nicholas Cage, Kathleen Turner, Don DeLuise, Milton Berle, Patty LaBelle (nicest of anyone I ever met), Jim Dale, Glenn Close, Bobcat Goldthwait, Will Durst, Tom Kenny, Whoopi Goldberg, Mark Harmon, Laura Dern, Diane Ladd, Lorraine Bracco, Elijah Woods, Bobby McFerrin, Dana Carvey, Ellen Degeneres, Huey Lewis. Am I boring you? There's others, I just can't think of them. Oh, Alec Baldwin. Whatevah!

Thereís this girl I know who deserves happiness, she just doesn't know it.

Once, at a bar, ummm, can't help ya here. I've only walked through bars on the way to restaurants usually. I've only drank once in my life*.

By noon Iím usually climbing out of bed or cleaning.

Last night I watched "What About Bob?", a comedy about an inappropriate relationship between a patient and a shrink and the patient won! Bill Murray was hilarious.

If I only had a better car, a bigger bank account, a house, a credit card, but what a really want is someone to love. The rest can wait. ;-)

Next time I go to church, civilization as we know it will end, since witty in a church, probably won't be happening anytime soon.

Terry Schiavo is dead.

When I turn my head left, I see my unmade bed, a Frida Kahlo calendar, an overflowing bookcase and a closet so full that I can't close it. I NEED A BIGGER APARTMENT!!

When I turn my head right, I see a scanner with a Jim Morrison biography on top of it.

You know Iím lying when ...well, you won't since I never lie.

What I miss most about the eighties is that I was 20 years younger, my Dad was still alive, I still lived in California, I still had money, I still dated, I still had cars that worked, I still did theatre, and there were still songs like "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

If I was a character written by Shakespeare, Iíd be Puck in "A Midsummer Night's Dream", because of all the mischief he causes when he anoints the wrong people with magical love juices.

By this time next year I hope to actually find somebody to love.

A better name for me would be Smartucus.

I have a hard time understanding anything involving numbers, especially checkbooks.

If I ever go back to school, Iíll probably try to get my long lost degree I never got back in my early 20's. Although, I've taken so many classes over the years, I probably have a PhD and don't even know it.

You know I like you if I make fun of you. Its my form of affection.

If I won an award, the first person Iíd thank would be my shrink "A", for pulling me back from the abyss and helping me believe in myself.

Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens, and Geraldine Ferraro Name 4 people George Bush has never heard of.

Take my advice, never let a married man massage your ass while explaining what the lyrics from "Satisfaction" mean (trust me on this one).

My ideal breakfast is no breakfast. I don't eat breakfast, usually.

A song I love, but do not have is "Satisfaction" by Mick Jagger.

If you visit my hometown, I suggest you dress warmly and have large snow tires.

Tulips, character flaws, microchips, and track stars, nude men, javelins.

Why wonít anyone who ISN'T married, show interest in me? I want to be wooed. I want flowers. I want to be loved. So lets get with it folks!

If you spend the night at my house, donít get scared when the fire alarm across the street goes off in the middle of the night and it sounds like a German air raid. Oh, and don't be alarmed by the fact that I sleep in the nude either.

Iíd stop my wedding for nuthin', except if I was going into labor or Ed McMahon had a check from Publisher's Clearinghouse.

The world could do without violence, hatred, intolerance, slow computer dial up service and Jessica Simpson.

Iíd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than HUH? WTF? Why would I be licking the belly of a cockroach? Did I lose some kind of bet or something? Sounds like something Donald Rumsfeld might do in his spare tongue to cockroaches.

My favorite blonde is ehhh, ummmm, I don't have a favorite blonde. I've never dated a blonde. None of my girlfriends have ever been blonde. I lost my first boyfriend in high school to a blonde. So, ummm, no favorite blondes. Sorry.

Paper clips are more useful than roach clips? Heh, heh, just kidding.

If I do anything well, itís seeing the irony in everyday life. It keeps me from attacking and killing people, so that's a good thing. ;-)

The last time I was drunk*, I danced like Devo and nearly fell out of a car.

And, by the way, If my soulmate is out there, could you please hurry up and find me. I'm getting old really fast. Thanks.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty