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2005-06-24 @ 1:20 a.m.
adventures in the ford tempo of doom

Ok, so I may not have a boyfriend/spouse/significant other/sugar daddy/boytoy or someone with bedandable parts, but what I do have is my car. My car is the most significant relationship I have right now. Hey! Don't laugh! We have good times together. We also have moments of great excitement. And moments of severe road rage tension. And we go places together (See, I can tell you're nodding your head now). I take care of his needs (oil, gas, filter thingies), he takes care of mine (getting me to work and to the park to walk and to my shrink's office so I don't go postal and kill a lot of people). It's great!!

But I have been worrying about the health of my car the last couple of weeks. Its been leaking oil. Its been abruptly losing power while I'm driving on the freeway and suddenly its wheee, I'm going 70, but my car's not on. whee!! And then today, my mom said when she walked by it a couple of days ago she could smell gasoline. That's really all I needed to hear. That's what happened to my last car. I went to the Evil Empire for an oil change and heard my name quietly yet desperately announced over the loudspeaker to come to the auto center. It seemed that had to almost evacuate the entire north side of the building because my car gas tank had a hole in it and one spark could have blown everything up. So they cautiously tossed me the keys and said, "Your car is out there" and then pointed to a pin point way out at the edge of the parking lot (they had moved it so that it wouldn't blow up Walmart) and then said, "Hope your insurance paid up." I was scared to death to start it, thinking, "Hey witty, remember all those times you said "Life sucks. I want to die....Did you really mean it? Well, here's your chance to find out..." Strangely enough, the answer was no. I did drive my car home, but I never drove it again. I sold it to some teenage kid. I did disclose that it was a Molotov cocktail disguised as a car, and the kid's parents still bought it for him. Maybe they had their own agenda.


So me and the Ford Tempo of Doom managed to eek out yet another week of fun and mayhem. Tuesday, after seeing "A" I was pulling up to a corner in the local yuppie village and wow, amazingly I am one of those individuals who actually STOPS at stop signs. Yeah, I know...what a freak!! So I was pulling up to a corner and a girl starts to walk in the crosswalk with a baby carriage. What's strange is, well, the twit never once even glanced to her right to see if any cars were coming. Not once. She's just walked right into the street with a baby carriage, la, la, la. And then right when she gets about to the middle of my car grill, she glances up and her face seemed to morph into some kind of pseudo Joan Crawford/Beetlejuice/Alien thing. She didn't look human for a moment, because she suddenly let go of the stroller, threw up her arms and started madly gesturing at me. Yes, you witty! For stopping at the stop sign! You terrorist! You mad, soulless child killer. Youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!! And again with the morphing face thingie. I just kind of cowered in my car. I didn't think it was a good time to establish the fact that it was she who had crossed the street with a baby carriage without even a cursory glance for oncoming tractor trailers carrying mobile homes and nuclear warheads. I did blink my eyes rather angrily once. I could tell she was scared. She flipped me off and then disappeared around the other corner. That'll show her.

But I think Morph Face had it in for me, because about a split second later, as I was pulling out onto the street into waiting traffic, some dumb yuppie (or is that an oxymoron?) came pulling up so close to my car that my hood was sticking way out. I hadn't quite pulled into the lane, but he was so busy buying and selling pork barrels on his gold plated cell phone in his 63 foot tall SUV that he didn't hear or realize that there was a huge fire truck racing up the street behind him. And guess whose car was totally blocking the fire truck? Go ahead! Guess!! Witty's piece of crap Ford Tempo of Doom? Right!! Funny thing is, although I wasn't really laughing at the time, was that the yuppie prince was so engrossed in his conversation that he couldn't see that I was desperately waving my arms at him or hear my horn honking for him to back up, so that I could back up so that the HUGE Fire truck that was sitting right on his ass, with its sirens blaring louder than Richard Simmons hearing the news that you got a side of Orlando Bloom with every meat lover slam at Denny's. I was totally panicked stricken. I couldn't go forwards or backwards and for a good 30 seconds I was convinced that the fire truck was going to run up over my hood. FINALLY I was able to Get Yuppie Gump's attention and was able to back up and the fire truck went tearing by, but I was completely shaking and freaked out. Did I mention that my odometer read 666? After that, even though I hadn't planned on it, me and Ford headed out to Round Lake and just sat and looked at the water.


I worked Wednesday. Took my client for a walk. Made her run behind the Ford Tempo of Doom. Ha, ha. Not really. I told her I would if she didn't behave. I'm so good at my job. I rule!!

That night was my art class and for the first time in history, we were treated with a model who barked. Yeah! It's true. Sure, we've had a few dogs for sure, but this one was for real. A real dog was part of a modeling duo. I was so excited! I love going to my art class, but I do get a little bored with the human figure. Who would have thought? Nude people --- yawn! Been there, done that! So we had a visit from maybe a Golden Retriever? I'm not real up on makes of dogs, since I'm a kitty, but Chi Chi was quite adorable and well behaved. He got along very well with all of us artist, but everytime any of the guys from the radio station, that share space with us, walked through the room for a smoke, Chi Chi, would start barking at them.

Yeah, that's how I feel too Chi, Chi. Radio People...Bad. Artists....Good!!


Thursday morning was "A"s group and I got myself into some hot water. I had asked "A" if I could discuss how other people in group are able to meet people despite problems (i.e., mental illness, low self esteem). It was pretty much a bust for about the first 15 minutes. Nobody would really talk. I felt like a geek. I just thought it would be good to be able to get some pointers from other people, and then I ended up crying. That really wasn't my intention. I can just do that in my regular appointment with "A" (and I do). The only solid advice I got from anyone was "Fake self confidence when you go on a date." Ok. Noted.

After that my mom and I drove up to Lake Ontario just to get away for the afternoon. She went to see her old friend Alf the Dork. He's not my favorite person (he put his hand between my legs without permission once and made me uncomfortable), but he's largely innocuous, other than his rather flagrance sex talk around my 77 year old Mom. I went out for a walk and when I came back, he was hurriedly putting back a large, oversized deck of cards of Naked Women. And then when we went into his bedroom to look at his computer, he showed us all his CDs and kept saying, "These are my CDs to have sex by..."

I felt like saying, "You mean, by yourself, dorkhead?"

(You should talk witty. Ever try masturbating to "Spamalot"?)

But at least I got to walk around some new areas. Here among the lily pads, I was in search of possible frogs I could kiss. You know that frogs into prince things. No luck though. I did get a dragonfly stuck in my hair however.

There were very few things in town and most of them either involved either live bait or alcohol, neither of which I'm interested in. There was some interesting architecture. Many of the houses in town were painted in bright colors (probably so you can find them under the 350 feet of snow that falls there every year. There was one three story purple Victorian house and then this red house. The back part was all falling down and crappy, and the front was all crisp and freshly painted.

And of course, anytime witty has a camera in her hand, its always time for a gratuitous foot picture...heh, heh. The peonies are pretty though.


And lastly, I'd like to present, in this picture tableaux of a summer trip in the Ford Tempo of Doom, a trip out to Alf the Dork's garden. Nothing better than walking out in the vast expanses of lawn, towards the pristine rows of vegetables which are just starting to come to fuition....with its beans, tomatoes, lettuces, cabbage, potatoes, parsley, broccoli, carrots, and radishes. Alf was trying to outwit me on the name of plants out in the grounds around his building, but I nailed him on about 98% of them. I'm a gardener too you see. I only have a space about 5 feet wide and 2 feet deep, but I have been gardening my whole life. I like making things grow and obviously Alf does too. Here is Alf brandishing his (ahem) radishes.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty