2005-08-04 @ 5:35 p.m.
Man, yesterday I was like up to my elbows in naked people. I'm telling you! Woo! I was practically beating them off with a stick. Heh. Probably not a good analogy. Ok, so I went to my nude drawing class yesterday. I went early because I thought my partner in crime, Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy was going to be co-hosting. He usually does the first Wednesday of the month. I had dressed appropropriately inappropriate....a sundress with nothing underneath. Hey, it was 150 degrees out! Although perhaps that fact, the naked underneathness, largely had to do with my pre-drawing class ritual of masterdebating, i.e., riding Mr. Ed the large vibrating Silver Vibrator (Hi, Ho Silver!!). Its a form of aerobics for me. Did you know masturbating burns calories? Of course it does! Duh! Especially the way I do it. When I was young and fresh and energetic, I used to be able to achieved orgasm (ha, ha, I just accidentally typed origami. Yeah, I could achieve origami, in like 2.5 minutes). But now, as my loins age, you know since I'm an aging goddess Thanks, Hiss , its starting to take more time, like 2.5 hours for god sakes. So do I burn calories? Hell yeah. Its like running the Boston Marathon in strappy heels.
So once the "ritual" is complete and I'm laying on the bed, totally spent, sweating, coma-like, blissful, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in Swahili, lazily taking snapshots of my naked body with my digital camera, I usually realize I'm on the verge of being late for my art class, so I just barely throw on clothes. And geeze, sometimes I even forget some of them.
Anyhoo, so I got to the community center and No Charlemagne. I was a little disappointed, because he's a nut, and I'm rather fond of nuts. Ha. That didn't really come out right. It was just our fearless art leader. We talked briefly and then I realized why Charlemagne wasn't there. It was because we had a male model. He gets eeked out if boy parts are on display, especially this particular guy.
I've talked about this model before. He is "M" the exhibitionist. He is a local county court judge/nudist. Ha, you don't usually see those two words in a single sentence do you? But this guy's tan line is, shall we say, nonexistent. Its obvious, he practices law alfresco, at least on the weekend.
And he does like to parade around. And of all our models we have, he is the only one who does not get dressed during the breaks. Nope. He just walks up to the food table with Mr. Briefcase hanging right out there, in all its shining uncut glory and since he's kind of short, heightwise, its pretty much even with the dips and chips on the table. So I'll be standing at the food table, having a tortilla chip, and then I'll go to dip my chip in the French Onion dip and there IT will be, the ahem...Briefcase, and it will kinda be blocking the dip, and then I'll have to kind of maneuver my tortilla chip around IT and the judge will be gaily talking and his male member will be jiggling happily as he laughs about something and I'll be trying to sneak a chip into the dip. And I'll realized that this all requires the same kind of eye hand coordination that the carnival game Whack a Mole does. But oh dear, how very traumatic. Trying to avoid a penis when you're trying to dip a chip into a carton of creamy french onion dip. Sheesh! I mean, how many of YOU had to deal with that yesterday, huh???
Poor witty. Having to avoid penises....ONCE AGAIN
And this guy's poses are a riot. He hangs off the stage by ropes. He lunges at defenseless, neurotic artist with spears. He climbs on top of chairs and ladders in hopelessly dangerous one foot poses. He wraps his body up in ropes and wires and heating tubes. He's worn bloodied rags. He's put a noose around his neck with a burlap bag over his head (the one with ears and nostrils). I actually like all the shit he does though. Its interesting. Some of my better drawings have been of him.
But I had to crack up a little to myself last night. Obviously this guy has a rather high opinion of his super spectacular penis and when he first started our Fearless Art Leader put in a CD and started playing the James Bond theme "Goldfinger". I wouldn't think a guy would want to hear "Goldfinger" when he's got his satellite dish out on display, but you never know. "A" really likes the theme from "Goldfinger". I think he used to have it on his cell phone for a while. Maybe there's some kind of hidden Man Thing meaning going on there. Like its really secret code for like bwahhh, I'm a superstud, oh yeah, baby. Gold-fingerrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
But that was really only part of the fun for "M" the Exhibitionist. He really did give us a show last night. We had our first Two Nekkid People pose....EVER! Woo! Double Woo!!
Its funny, this was something we had discussed at a board meeting last winter - - having two people pose nude together. And even though our board has a couple of other women, they rarely come to the meetings, so its usually just me and the boys. So when the subject came up, it was immediately and unanimously decided that it would be TWO WOMEN. And I was like WTF? It wasn't like I necessarily wanted two men, but I thought a man and a woman would have been cool, but all the men on the board, pretty much decided, without even a shred of discussion, that it would be two chicks.
And since I'm still fairly new on the Board, and the only woman there, I didn't really feel like I had enough backbone to stand up and demand that we have a man and a woman, and obviously all the guys were already zoning out on their own various levels of double naked chickdom and I didn't want to ruin their fun, so we pretty much left it as is.
But "M" the exhibitionist county court judge took matters into his own hands, which are huge by the way, wow. And had his wife come in and pose nude with him for the half hour pose. And I think the pose spoke volumes about their relationship. He stood rather stoically, looking all studly, like a Viking or something, and she was sitting with her arms wrapped tightly around his inner thighs. expressionless. From my point of view, I could only see his ass and his shoulders and just the edge of her face peeking around his thigh. It wasn't pornographic in any way. But one rendering I saw from a different angle, you just saw her head in an awkward position. I was a little disturbed by it, because that wasn't what was being presented. After the pose ended they kissed and she got dressed and left immediately. They're both in their fifties, by the way, but in very good physical shape.
I briefly went in the unisex bathroom to wash my hands and as I was coming out, I suddenly saw my friend "L' the hippie chick taking off her clothes in the foyer outside the bathroom and again, I was like WTF? Momentarily I thought I was in some incredibly weird dream sequence where all the artists were going to be naked and the model was going to be clothed. And then for a very split split second, I was like, whee, all I have to do is whip this sundress right over my head and I'll be nekkid too. But then I came to my senses, when I saw "L" slowly getting up on the stage with the Judge and that they were going to do the Hour Pose together. Needless to say, their pose wasn't quite so intimate. No hugging in the sausage area. I didn't really do anything memorable last night, despite all the memorable nude people, so no work to show.
Afterwards "L" wanted to see my print and it wasn't that great but she complimented me anyways. And as usual the Judge came hopping down from the stage in all his naked splendor and came zooming over to my art table, with his Man Gavel at about my eye level (gah, like where do I look? Like its RIGHT there. Like double Gah! Like can't you aim that thing elsewhere? GAHHHH!) and said how great my work was. And I was thinking its only because I made your penis look about the size of the Eiffel Tower.
I was later talking to "L" after she got dressed that she was telling me how liberating it is to pose nude. She just started doing it about 10 years ago and she's 60. And while a huge, inner part of me would love to pose nude, the huge outer more sensible part of me says, what the fruck are you thinking, witty? I was joking around about it. I told the Sci Fi Guy that I regularly pose nude for my cat. He laughed, but after I said that I thought, boy, was that ever a stupid thing to say...Posing naked for your cat. Sigh. What a freakin' geektard.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty