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2005-08-21 @ 1:04 p.m.
finding old photos

Its funny what stress can do to your body. I did get my massage on Thursday and it was literally the only time I haven't been on Code Orange in the last month. Its also funny what massage therapists say to you during massages like, "Let the pain flow out of you like a river." or "Let your body take flight and leave the pain behind." Heh! ok. It just always makes me think of what Married Guy used to talk about during our massages. I don't think he ever said any of that New Age crap. Usually when he was massaging my ass, he'd be talking about Nate fucking his girlfriend at a luggage storage room at the airport in "Six Feet Under" or Tony Soprano cheating on Carmella in a hotel off the New Jersey turnpike. You know, really inappropriate stuff. I mean, he didn't do that all the time, but those were the times I remember. And you wonder how I somehow knew he was interested in me.

Of course when I would tell "A" about all this stuff, first he would say, well, how do you know he doesn't talk like that to all his female clients and I didn't really have an answer to that, but I seriously doubted it. He was very protective of his business. And then "A" would ask for him to come in so that he could "defend" himself against my accusations. Now why would a married man tell a third party that yes, he did indeed talk dirty during a massage? Especially when he could lose his license? Not likely. So I would just be sitting there looking like a dork, like accusers usually do. I always felt frustrated that people didn't believe me. And a lot of it had to do with my mental health diagnosis. Like oh dear, how could anyone ever believe her...she's ill.

I guess what brought all this up, was that last night I was going through some stuff when I was packing. I am having a really terrible time right now. I am having an incredibly bad case of Cold Feet about moving. Suddenly I feel like I'm making a big mistake and I'm incredibly angst-ridden about whether my new apartment will be ready for the inspection Monday. And I have so much work ahead of me with packing and having so little help. The massage on Thursday did help, so that I'm not quite so physically uptight, but I'm still really tired and sore.

So last night I was going through a box of photos. It was such a small thing to be doing when I have so many big things to be done. But suddenly I pulled out an envelope of Married Guy's wedding photos I had taken 6 years ago this month. Oh joy! Just what I needed to see! I was shocked at how little kidlet was. He was barely up to Married Guy's belt. But seeing these photos really brought up a huge wave of emotions.


I remember that day just like it was yesterday. They had their wedding out at a park just past their house. It was a gorgeous day (drat! And I was so hoping for thunderstorms and tornadoes! And maybe a tsunami!). And what's funny was, that I had only known Married Guy for a little over a year at that point and wasn't really "in love" like I would later be. I had a crush on him. But, at that point, he definitely wasn't crushing on me. He was getting married after all.

Stupid!! (that's me...the stupid part). Because I had had a shot at him. Because, I had known him a year and a half earlier. But I was so reticent about showing any interest in him and I weighed about 50 pounds heavier and what was the other thing? "A"? What was it? Oh, I couldn't talk. Literally. I had lost my voice for 8 years for psychological reasons and could only talk in a strangled whisper and it wasn't very sexy or intoxicating. I just sounded like a strangled aardvark. So why would he notice me? He was just my massage therapist at that point. He had already started bringing me into his life though. He had invited me to dinner (I had turned him down -- damn). He had asked me to do graphics for his fledgling business. I did that. I started to work on a newspaper with him. I only knew him as a single dad with kids. And then one day when I pulled up to get a massage at his house, and there he was out on the front curb, doing this big, tongue-down-the-throat smooch-a-rama to this scrawny little redhead. I remember I felt a little twinge in my heart. That's when I realized I liked him.

Soon after that, it was apparent they were a couple and then he said they were buying a house together out in the country, because she refused to live in the 'Hood City where he lived. And, basically, that was when I realized that future wifie, pretty much got every single, blessed thing that came out of her mouth. That was the beginning of my role as "the family friend". For instance, before they even moved to their new house, I went out and cleaned it for about 5 hours. I was bartering for massage. I would later clean their house after they moved in, but one day wifie got mad, because I left like 13 minutes before the allotted 3 hours (mainly because I was good and was able to clean everything in a timely manner) and she bitched to Married Guy who had to, in turn, admonish me, the naughty house cleaner for my severe misdeed. I wrote an e-mail back and said the house was clean, as in look around asshole and notice how much nicer it looks than when wifie did it, and that my job as official Married Guy house cleaner was now officially over. We never talked about it again.

The day of the wedding I showed up and as usual felt like a fifth wheel. I had gotten a wedding invitation but had told Married Guy I would take some photos, since he was too damn cheap to have an actual wedding photographer and we would just barter my services as an unofficial official wedding photographer. Unfortunately when I arrived, I was treated like an employee rather than as a guest. I had been watching Married Guy greeting all his guests lovingly with kisses and embraces. But then when he spotted me, he ran over, didn't even say hello and shoved a bag full of rolls of film at me and said, "I hope this enough. I'll see you later!" and then ran off up the hill. I just stood there. I felt really hurt. No hug. No glad you're here. No thanks. Just "I hope this is enough." I really fought the feeling to just drop the damn bag on the ground, stomp on it a few dozen times and walk to my car. I mean really. But I'm a person of my word.

Finally it was time for the wedding, although wedding is kind of a stretch for what happened. I went up to the building where they were going to walk out of. I took some nice shots of Married Guy, Soon-to-Be-Wifie and the kids preparing to walk down the hill for the ceremony. They actually turned out to be the nicest pictures I took. They really showed how much Married Guy loved his kids. Wifie just sort of stood to the side snootily. I said "HI". She looked at me and then ignored me. I felt like saying, "Hey bitch, I'm photographing your wedding for free." but I was good. I was just thinking it...and then kinda hoping she would trip over a squirrel on the way down the hill. The ceremony went well. Married Guy expressed some really lovely, caring, loving thoughts. Wifie said about 2 sentences, like "Make sure you buy me stuff and do everything I say." I shot two rolls of film.

But you know what? Then I felt an incredible urge to leave. People were milling around out on the hill. I figured there would be more activities in the pavilion, but my heart was hurting. I didn't know anyone at the wedding except Married Guy and kidlet. Kidlet was off playing tag with some kids. Married Guy was talking to everyone but me. Wifie had already left his side to go visit with her cool artsy friends. In fact, as soon as the ceremony ended, they immediately split apart. I always thought that was kind of odd. Because when or if I ever get married, I plan on kind of standing next my groom during the party afterwards. You know....just because. I just never saw much emotional closeness between them. Wifie always seemed interested in being cool and not showing any kind of weakness in the form of emotional closeness. I always thought that was sad, particularly when it came to her daughter. God forbid you should show her some affection instead of snooty disdain. Think how that will affect her. That was one of the things that contributed towards the break up of my friendship with Married Guy. I told him how I felt about his wifie's behavior and he didn't particularly like it and said I should take it up with her. Well, personally, she wasn't really worth the time. She always treated me like I was the cleaning woman, even long after I was promoted to Family Friend. I guess I don't understand why people think they're better than you just because they have a few more bucks in the bank, or they have a better job than you. I'd much rather be a nice and thoughtful person, than have a SUV parked in the driveway. Cars come and go, but nice is forever.

So I have a dilemma. Well, maybe its really a non-dilemma. I'm tempted to put these photos in an envelope and send them to Married Guy. Of course I know what "A" would say...."NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But, for some reason, I just can't throw them away either. They're a part of someone's life. And to be honest, they're a part of my life too. Not wifie, but Married Guy and his kids. I mean I've let them go about 98%, but its impossible to let someone who was a big part of your life completely go. Especially at the moment, when I am so lonely for friends.

I keep bringing it to my mom, about how when I used to move, Married Guy was always there to help and would loan me his SUV. And now I don't have that anymore and its really painful. Not necessarily the loss of the SUV or even Married Guy, but just the loss of someone I could depend on.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty