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2005-08-22 @ 9:34 p.m.
taking a side trip to opposite-land

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 22:
Will wonders never cease -- that curmudgeon next door just smiled and offered to let you have some flowers from their garden. Are you in Opposite Land? No -- it's just the gentle influence of the stars.

Opposite-Land. I've always wanted to live there. A place where you can eat chocolate and never gain weight. A place where your car never breaks down. A place where credit cards never accrue interest, but my ass does. (heh, heh, I just added that one in there). A place where everyone laughs at your jokes. Oh wait, I already live there. Or a place where sales clerk are truly there to serve you and not just look at you like you have a second ass growing out of your forehead.

My mom is always insisting that I'm a pessimist. I always have to correct her and say, "No, I'm a realist." Its true I should have been the person who wrote "The Worst Case Scenario" because even though they don't always come true, I certainly think that every terrible disaster that is brewing world wide going to directly befall me. You know, because I'm so damn important.

I recently got a laugh in "A"s group when I admitted that back in the 1970's when some satellite was supposed to crash back to earth, I was running around like Chicken Little totally convinced that it was going to land directly on my apartment in Sebastopol and smoosh the hell out of my car and me and my cat Little One. I'd go out on the back deck every night and look up in the sky and check for any suspicious bright lights that looked like they were hurtling towards my apartment. I think it eventually crashed and burned up into tiny, minute pieces over Australia. But even then I thought that maybe some piece, like a maverick satellite tail light might come hurtling out of control and bounce another 15,000 miles and score a direct hit on my 1972 Malibu. And then I could say to my mom, "SEE!!"

I'm not really sure why I'm like this. I can't blame everything on bipolarism. Personally I think it has to do with my writer's imagination. The What-if factor. I can't even walk out on my front step without thinking....what if I miss that first step and fall and go to grab the porch support and pull it down with my weight and then hit the ground and then pull the entire porch down on my head. Because if the fall doesn't kill me, the collapse of the porch certainly will. Although not really. It's just aluminum. I would probably just be providing comic relief for all the dentists in the building next door. Like ha, ha, there goes that hippie chick falling down her stairs. We've been waiting for that to happen for like two years. SCORE!!

It would be like a going away present for the boys. Its really the least I can do for all the pleasure they've provided with their air conditioning unit from hell.

As you might have guessed, this last week has been hell for me. I think because its been like the Olympics for a Worst Case Scenario-a-holic like me. I was really in my element. It was like "The Lost Weekend" with Ray Milland and being locked in a bar with 3000 bottles of booze. And I was so smashed that I was just crawling around on the ground like Courtney Love before a PTA Meeting.

Because I pretty much thought that every single thing that was supposed to go wrong was going to go wrong. It's true, we're only on Monday, but the things that I was most worried about have already been resolved today and I couldn't be happier. But the fact that they went right today, kind of made me think I was in Opposite-Land.

For instance, to say I've been worried about the financial connections connecting this week, would be an understatement. Last night, my mom had stopped in after her party at the Has Been Movie Star's House, which wow, was only a mere mile from my house. She wanted to tell me how fun and exciting her party was, but I had to sit and weep on my living room couch until almost 1 a.m. Wasn't that fun for everyone? Yup! And then I stopped in on my case mgr. this morning at work and while I didn't weep, I did manage to have a mini nervous breakdown five minutes before my weekly meeting. Yay me. And then I talked to "J" the married man, after our meeting and sought out even more "Everything is about me, swathe me in attention".

I then drove out to my new apartment. There was some confusion on my part, because I have never talked to my landlord because of my phone phobia. He had told my mom he'd leave my keys in the mailbox, but I was wondering...hmm, how will I get into a locked mailbox. Again with the worst case scenario thing. But fortunately he had left the apartment open and left the keys on the kitchen counter.

I had brought a car load of stuff, mainly my linens. The apartment looked better then when I originally looked at it. The broken window was fixed (ahhh, one less thing I had to worry about). I then checked the smoke detector to make sure it was working. It honked appropriately (another, ahhhh, since I knew the inspector would check that). About my only disappointment was that none of the closets or cabinets had been cleaned down. So I had to wipe them up before I put the linens in.

I was very anxious about meeting with the inspector, I guess, because so much depended on his approval. Things seemed to be okay, but who knows. Maybe some carpet thread might trip him and he'd have to flunk me and I wouldn't get any of my funding (see, again with the worst case scenario thing).

I did stand at the front screened door and look out while I was waiting for him. It was so pretty and lush and green. It was a little cloudy out. There were sparrows all throughout the bushes and trees. They had obviously heard I'll be bringing a bird feeder shortly. I could also hear a blue jay squawking nearby. We don't have them in the City. I've missed hearing them. And I could also hear the water flowing and gurgling down below. And let me tell you, as angsty as I was feeling, the sound of the water was very soothing. And I bet after it rains, its even better.

I finally spotted the inspector walking towards me. He was walking kind of funny, as if he was testing the wooden walkway. I told him, "Its sturdy, I promise." He smiled. He said he was just noticing how loud it sounded when he walked. I think he was the same inspector who flunked me on my first inspection here. So he came in and walked around and tested the smoke detectors. I didn't realize there was also one in the bedroom. They both worked. All the faucets worked. He liked the fireplace. He asked if it worked. I don't really know. I hope so. He went out on the porch and said how pleasant it was and how lucky I was to live across the street from the library. I agreed. And then at the front door he shook my hand and said everything passed. I was so psyched!! It was like Opposite-Land. I mean, in terms of things working so well!

As soon as he left I called the government agency who's funding my deposit, since it all depended on whether my apartment passed inspection. I told their voice mail it passed. I also kind of fumbled through the other part that's been angsting me out. They're only giving the landlord half of the deposit and then the other half next month. I wasn't sure if that was okay with the landlord. But since I've never directly talked to the landlord because of my anxiety, I've never been sure if it was okay that I was moving in with a mere $350, instead of the full $1100. I didn't think it was. So I just kind of blurted all this out, blah, blah, blah. And then after I hung up, I remembered why I have so much anxiety talking on the phone. You know...because I usually say such stupid shit. I then called my case mgr. and blurted out some similar jibberish on her voice mail too, telling her I thought I fucked things up with that other agency by inadvertently demanding a full deposit. Heh, yeah, I'm so important. I then finally called my mother and gave her the good news. She said I sounded funny. I just told her my voice was shaking because I'm not used to having things go right.

By time I got home, I called her again and she said Brent the landlord had already called her and the agency giving him the money had called him and he had a little problem. Heh. He doesn't know my name. Ya see, my mom has been dealing with him so much, and I've never done a lease with him (since he forgot to bring it when we got together previously), so he didn't even know who I am, despite the fact, that I have a moving van pulling up to the apartment on Thursday. And he had also left the keys for me on the counter.

Trusting soul, isn't he?

So can you kinda see why I've been such a nervous wreck? But I do now have the keys and I guess I could be like Michael Keaton in "Pacific Heights" and just take possession of the place by proxy and build metal sculptures in the middle of the night and let cockroaches loose under the sink to the neighbor's apartment. That would be really creepy, huh?

Yeah, like I'd really touch a cockroach.

So anyways, I guess I finally, kinda, sorta, feel like I'm moving this week. Some of my possessions are actually in another location. And tonight I'm actually finally PACKING BOXES. And I did get a new phone number last week. I couldn't believe what the dorka-rina at the phone company did however. I wanted the new number to go into effect this coming Thursday and I assumed she would realize that I would be needing my phone at home until then. So I get home from work and guess what? The phone company had already turned off my phone here. I couldn't believe it. So fortunately I was able to use my cell phone to get reconnected and they did it in less then 10 minutes.

But its stuff like that, that really makes me feel in my know, the no phone or Internet for a week thingie. Because when all hell breaks lose, that's when I know things are going just about as planned.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty