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2005-09-13 @ 12:24 a.m.
roadblocks and stopsigns...things to ignore

Did you see the Amber Alert on me today? Or the crawl along the bottom of CNN News? Or when they broke into the Oprah Show? Or my picture on your milk cartons? Or when Larry King was talking to the new head of Homeland Security and suddenly he was handed a piece of paper and suddenly I became the main topic of conversation.

Ya see, my mom called me about 6 times and couldn't get ahold of me and then felt the need to call about 15 or 20 government agencies and pull them off the New Orleans flood recovery detail to come look for me, because she said she called my phone number and said someone kept picking up my phone and then mysteriously hanging it up again and she was fairly certain there was foul play involved because there was this weird buzzing sound and of course the hanging up thing and she figured I was probably somehow tied up (well, that was the good part, at least for me) and being held for ransom or being forced to do something horrible like bake brownies give some maniac my debit card and accompanying them over to Target to buy batteries or comforters for serial killers. So she wrote me this e-mail with huge SOS capital letters "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT????????" (always with about twenty question marks) and I was thinking, well if I wasn't, I'm fairly certain I probably wouldn't be able to respond, would I?

And she can only e-mail me because I have her blocked from instant messaging because of all her flagrant "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT??????????????" thingies on Instant Messaging. Because originally, for maybe like the first 100 times I saw that, I got panicky like what? Did something happen? Was war declared in South Korea? Did Tom Cruise finally admit he takes prozac for anger? Did Johnny Depp finally agree to father my child?? And then I realized it was only because she deemed her need to talk to me as an utter and total emergency.

And people wonder where my angsty tendencies come from?

Of course this morning, I did nearly get run over by a yuppie. I was walking down to the bus stop through the neighborhood here and I was crossing a street. Halfway up the block some Volvo or Passat was cautiously driving towards me. There was a stop sign where I was crossing. I was more than half way across and then, inexplicably the guy just blew through the stop sign. Just totally blew it. Did I feel the need to respond? Hmmm, let me think? Hell yes. I yelled out, "NICE STOP" and he actually smiled at me and said, "Thanks!!" with a little friendly wave of his hand and kept going. I couldn't believe it. I don't think he realized I wasn't saying "Top of the mornin' to ya!" Asshole.

But I made it to work, via the bus. We had a couple of new employees today, so we got to talk about why we lurve our jobs once again. I actually do like my job, except for when the Lesbian Chick stalks me, so its always pretty easy to express. Then "J" and I did our group together. Today's topic was "S.E.X." Wouldn't you just love to go to work and darn, HAVE to talk about sex. Yeah, its a hard job, but somebody has to do it. Although we really didn't talk about it that directly. We sort of got waylaid off into how the media presents sex and how girls dress like sluts and how guys want to be more physical and girls want more intimacy. "J" who usually doesn't really ask me to talk, turned to me and said, "What do you think about sex?" and I was like "grubsn eckuf fghes. repftrre."

Hell, I don't want to talk about sex at work. I haven't even been on a date in 15 years. What do I know about sex? I go look at naked people once a week in my art class and I occasionally practice nudosity around the house, but I also show people pictures of my cat in grocery stores. I'm practically freakin' Aunt Bea on "Mayberry RFD".

Anyways, afterwards I asked "J" if he would give me a ride home (I just live about 5 minutes past him) and also if we could stop at the grocery store as well. I really needed to get some heavy stuff like laundry soap and 2 litre bottles of soda and that's really hard to carry a half mile home up a hill by hand. So he said yes, and once I got in his car, I suddenly felt really shy. All the bravado I show at work, totally fizzled out and I just sat quietly as we drove towards the Village. I had to sit and remember that it was just "J" driving and that we get along really well. But being in his car felt funny. And it was stupid, because he's driven me other places, but I guess I was nervous because he was taking me to the store and I knew I was going to ask him to help me with the groceries up to my apartment and yikes he was coming up to my apartment.

So we got to the store and he came in with me because it was really hot out. And I just flew through the store. I'm a very fast shopper anyways, but I didn't want him to be waiting for me. I nearly rammed into him with the cart several times. It felt funny walking around a grocery store with a man. I guess I felt a little angsty about it, like what if someone sees us, since he's married. Not that that ever stopped me with Married Guy. heh. I'm not interested in "J" though. He's a very nice man, but I've already done the married man thing once and that was definitely enough. Naturally when I got up to the counter my food stamp card didn't work the first time, so more angst ensued. I was actually quivering by then. Damn. Why am I so damn nervous all the time? The EBT finally went through and we went out to the parking lot and I had no idea where his car was and he actually walked to the wrong car himself. Was he nervous too? Maybe.

Anyways we got to my apartment and I asked him to help bring the groceries up because I had about 7 bags full since I don't know how long I will be without a car and he followed me up the stairs. He admired the natural setting. I nervously jammed the key into the lock and finally got into my apartment. Amazingly Guardcat came out and greeted us, the damn flirt. Usually she's quivering under furniture in stark terror if anyone comes into my apartment (she takes after me, except she doesn't take meds).

But what was really funny was, was once "J" entered my apartment, he would only take like 2 steps in. I went to show him my sunporch and he wouldn't move beyond my kitchen. It's not like I was a Black Widow Spider luring him to his death. Hardly. So I just thanked him and he said no problem. I was going to tell him the best way to get back out onto the main street, but he was gone like instantly.

So, whee! I had a man in my apartment. At the rate I'm going, it'll probably be the last time, unless some EMT comes when I'm having chest pains watching yet another Conservative being sworn into the Supreme Court. Let's just hope he's cute and single. (the EMT, not the Conservative)

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty