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2005-10-14 @ 12:14 a.m.
not playing well with others....

Well, we're building an ark out in the parking lot here, because bloody hell, its been raining for 7 straight days now! What is this? The apocalypse? I hope not, especially since I haven't had a date for over a decade a while, and I would hate to see everything end before I had a chance to feel the warm embrace of some geek foolish enough to fall in love with a neurotic artist.

And as the ever-lovely and insightful "A" sort of reminded me on Wednesday, maybe I should also be doing something about my life, like maybe working full time, because for one, once my car dies for good, I won't be able to afford another one. I nodded my head silently. What else could I do? He's right. I just can't see working full time though. I fold under even the tiniest amounts of stress. I'm even starting to get stressed out with the little dramas at my part time job. I guess it was inevitable. I never know if its me and my sensitivity (yes, witty) or whether its working with women, with their varying degrees of PMS on any given day which makes me crazy (yes witty).

I just don't think I play well with others. I've proven it time and time again in various jobs. I don't do office politics. I don't understand when women act all bitchy and/or indifferent. I'm not into the one-upsmanship thing. Its all very foreign to me.

The first six months of my job were excellent. I mostly stuck with the people in my immediate department and went out with clients. But recently, in an attempt to make more money, I've been getting involved with committees and taking on new tasks, and I've suddenly been sucked into one of those office-y vortexes where all these different personalities are swirling around, yada, yada, yada and everybody thinks only their ideas are important, yada, yada, yada and suddenly and inexplicably I feel like nothing.

Like today for instance, my new Empowerment group....I was walking through the reception area and I heard my name. I turned around and it was one of the girls I do the group with. She says, "Oh, we've been trying to get ahold of you. We're having a meeting today at 2 p.m." Me: "Really?" Unfortunately, I had a standing monthly massage appointment today which I get charged for if I don't cancel 24 hours ahead, so I told her I couldn't make it. And then I went back to my desk to listen to my voice mail to hear their message. No message. I'm not sure how they were trying to get ahold of me. Smoke signals?

So it was really all this type of shit that originally drove me onto disability. I could not take the stress of the constantly shifting borders between co-workers and even bosses. One minute you're cool with everyone and then you fuck up one little thing and they turn their backs on you AND tear you down and you can't even defend yourself because its all done behind the scenes and you can't prove anything and then you end up looking paranoid.

So I really think I was made to work as an artist or as a writer. And I did tell "A" that and he really couldn't come up with an argument against it. I mean, I know I have skills, and he does too. I just no longer have the confidence to promote myself or my work to people who would actually pay me money.

But I kind of have a big mouth. Cute, but big. I finally got back to my beloved art class last night. I was so thrilled to be reunited with my art compadres...its been 4 long weeks since I've been to class. I pulled up to the community center about 6:40 and who's standing out front but Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy. He certainly looked dashing. I've never seen him dressed so nicely. So I walked over to him, but he was his usual manic self. He didn't have the keys to the building and as I approached he said melodramatically, "Sooooo, I guess witty DOES have a car." I told him I just got it working and he said, "Great! Because now you have to take me to my house so I can get the keys to the building." So it was back to my car and when we got in, he leaned over and kissed me. Down French Boy. was just a peck on the cheek. Anyways, we got the keys, got back and set things up. I went to look for my two pieces of artwork from our show and guess what? One is missing! Damn! I'm going to have to ask our Fearless Art Leader if he has seen it. Its actually a drawing of a musician who works in the building. I wonder if it somehow mysteriously ended up in his office or something. Hmmm. We had a pretty good turnout though and I got to chat with "L" the hippy chick. I've missed talking to her. I was telling her that I had really missed the class since its really my only social life and then I blurted out, "And my shrink told me this morning that I should get a life."

Now, I didn't mean for it to come out sounding like that...all sarcastic and shit, but she burst out laughing and that's always music to my ears, so of course, I had to start doing a comedic riffs off that, like whacking myself in the forehead and saying, "Now I know what I forgot....I forgot to HAVE A LIFE!!!" and "Wait, let me look in my planner. Oh there it Thursday, yup...'wittykitty GETS A LIFE!!!!" Well, poor "L" was practically gasping for air laughing as I was doing my stand-up comedian routine. It felt good to make someone laugh in person.

Of course, what I didn't count on her doing, was regaling everyone out in front of the building afterwards about my shrink telling me to "get a life". I almost fell in my tracks, especially since Charlemagne KNOWS "A", although I don't know for sure that he knows that I see him. So as she was once again collapsing in laughter, I was calmly trying to explain to Charlemagne that I had said, "My shrink told me I should try to get back into LIFE." Charlemagne's suggestion? Go sit in a coffeehouse and make new friends.

So that was the actual quote "A". Honest! Gah! No wonder they called me blabbermouth (my real name) when I was a kid.

But it was great getting out my pastels and pencils once again. We had our chubby, middle aged Eye-talian model last night, and I don't know what happened. It must have been the weird mix of music Charlemagne was playing (Grace Jones to Fred Astaire to French Disco Music to The Beatles) that made me do this....

SWF, 47, likes movies, kitties and rusty hacksaws to cut up my dates after we have sex.

Yeah, I guess you can see why I haven't had any dates since the last millennium.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty