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2005-10-15 @ 11:11 p.m.
I REALLY wanted to spank someone...but not in a fun way

Does anyone know if girls can have mid-life crisis? I know its usually associated with middle aged business men having affairs with their Swedish secretaries while they're taking dicktation.

I'm sitting here in my nightgown and purple socks drinking diet coke and eating pickles and listening to Simon and Garfunkle wondering why my life sucks so much. Tonight when I ate dinner, every single TV channel I turned to had some infernal sporting event involving balls, so I ended up sitting alone eating Betty Crocker mashed potato and steak watching "Lawrence Welk" on PBS. They mentioned at the beginning that this particular episode had been filmed in 1975 and I'm like, shit, I was in high school in 1975...did dudes really dress in powder blue suits and white shiny shoes? And actually, sadly, I left the show on because they did "Rhapsody in Blue" and I couldn't NOT watch that. I guess I do remember my favorite music teacher Mr. Edwards wearing these really ugly mustard and burgundy colored plaid pants to music class once a week, but powder blue and ruffled? Come on!

It has to be the rain or the fact that I ate too much sugar today or something. Because I've been having conversations with myself again and that's always a dangerous sign. I'll be getting undressed to get in the shower and suddenly I'll be rehashing some minor wrongdoing from like 3 months ago. Like saying, "You know "D", I stood up for you in our support group, because you said you were going to phase out and then I left thinking you were going to leave, and then you never left and now I don't have a support group. And I really need one. Do you think this is fair. Do you?"

Of course there is no answer forthcoming, because I'm just getting into the shower or driving to work or putting the dishes in the dishwasher and I don't even know where this stuff is coming from. I guess its all the angsty amoebas that live in my subconscious trying to resurface to get resolved. And I have a lot of them. And evidently I feel the need to have long passionate conversations with them.

I remember last October when I had just ended things with Married Guy, one night I walked around my house for an entire hour yelling and crying about everything thing that I wanted, but couldn't say to him. It was difficult, but in a way cleansing. I knew I could never do that in person, so I did the next best thing....I yelled at him in front of the cat. That'll show him! And I had done that previously with the Zenshrink situation and even the Nanny Guy. I actually do it with all the people I'm pissed off at, which is to say, I talk to myself a lot, and when I feel stressed, its even more often.

Now I don't know if this is just part of living alone, or whether its an element of my mental illness. I've told a handful of people about it. One person thought it was very healthy to get everything out verbally. The other person looked at me like I was from the Planet Zardoz.

I had something happen at the yuppie grocery store yesterday which would probably be minor to 99.99% of the population, but for some reason, it really pushed my buttons. I went into the store and headed for the restroom. When I got in there, there was a woman with two little boys about 4 and 5. She was loud and yelling at them and they were totally out of control running around in the bathroom and being generally obnoxious. I went into the stall next to them. I thought she had both of them in the stall with her because I could hear her telling them to go pee pee and to pull up their pants and stuff. Now I'm a very nervous bathroom person. My ideal bathroom scenario is -- no one is within 1000 yards of any bathroom I choose to sit in since I have the world's most nervous kidneys. But it was a busy Friday afternoon and all the stalls were taken. So I was going to the bathroom and suddenly I looked up and I could see one of the little boys pressed up against my stall door with his hands cupped around his eyes looking in at me peeing. I immediately totally freaked out. I have some major bathroom issues (I was raped in a bathroom as a kid) and getting spyed on, even if its some little 4 or 5 year old, was just not acceptable. So I immediately yelled, "Get away from the door you little brat!" I was shocked at how loud and immediate my response was. I'm usually a total wimp when it comes to confronting anyone, even a kid. But the kid didn't move. He was still getting his eye-full of the illustrious witty taking a leak, when I screamed at him again, "GET AWAY! GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR!!!!!!!" And he still wouldn't move and his mother didn't appear to be doing anything about it either. She finally came out of the stall next to me and I guess brought him over to the sink. She didn't even say anything to him. When I finally came out of MY stall, I walked over to the sink and said, "I didn't appreciate your kid looking into my stall." And instead of apologizing or saying something to the kid, she looked at me and said, "How else are they going to learn about women?"


Man, I so wanted to just take a swing at that bitch. I just could not believe that response. What exactly are they learning? That its okay to invade somebody's privacy without their permission? That when somebody says "No. Get away", its okay to ignore them? I realize that Moms take their kids with them into stalls and take family pees together. But letting a kid run loose...hearing me yell at her kid, her not doing anything about it, me having to say something to her, her being all indifferent and non-apologetic, and then not calling the kid on it, just totally infuriated me. I don't really blame the kid. He's only a kid, although he should probably learn the word, "No" or "Go away", but that bitch mother. I actually shook for the rest of my shopping trip through the yuppie store and the one time I saw them again near the check out counter, I really wanted to get into it again. Grrrr!

Today was a little better. We had a party for our support group and had a lot of food. "J" was back from his trip to Canada and it was nice to see him. Just before he had left we had gone to a seminar together where we had seen this humorous nun speak who suggested that everyone should have a humour buddy, someone they can be silly with. So that day when he was driving home we were talking about that, having a humour buddy and when he dropped me off at my apartment he asked me if I would be HIS humour buddy. So I guess we're going steady now. At least in terms of Humour buddydom.

After my group I briefly went to the D'van Art Gallery and looked at their latest show and talked to a sculptor who was there for two hour meet the public thing hoping to sell some of his work. He had a very Eye-talian sounding name like Angelo Pucchini, and was very nice and we chatted (See "A", I do talk to men!!). I then went and picked up mommy dearest and we went shopping at a store which I think was called The Christmas Tree Shoppe. Arghhh. Can you imagine me in anyplace with the word Christmas in it? So I only lasted about 5 minutes. It was very crowded too and I was getting stressed from the vast amounts of squirming bodies, so I headed over to the Rag Shop with my 40% coupon in search of some frames. I have an art show at work at the end of the month and I still need at least one more frame. But no luck. So I then went over to Michaels, but no luck there either, although I did buy a matboard cutter, so I don't have to pay people to do that for me anymore. My main problem is that I have a 2 inch thick canvas and all the frames these places sell are for flat pieces of art.

Finally as I was almost home I just happened to go by the Thrifty Shopper which is like the Salvation Army and there was a tent out in the parking lot, which was unusual, so I stopped. They were having some kind of a big blow out sale -- all you can hold in your arms...$1.00! I didn't know that initially, so I was being very careful, looking at the price of everything, but then when I heard about the $1 price thingie, I went berserko. I got 4 frames, a baggie full of new acrylic paints, a tiny silver sequined purse with a purple silk lining, a bulletin board, a Fiestaware salt shaker, and some furniture wheels still in the package. If I could have carried more I would have, but as it was, I had to have one of the clerks help carry the stuff out to my car so that I could get a dollar bill out of my purse. I know it is bad to bring anything else into my apartment because it is so small, but I do need the frames for the show, and I always need art supples....and..and..

And as I was driving up my street, sure enough I was singing along with my Bonnie Raitt tape, wondering why she hasn't yet asked me to go on the road with her as a backup singer and then I started doing that weird talking thing, "I wonder what Guardcat has been doing all day. Oh damn, its starting to rain again. I wonder how long my car is going to last. I wish I would have stopped at that last art supply store in the Village because the coupon is only good through today.

So see "A", I don't need a date, I've got myself to talk to....

Yeah, I know...pretty pathetic.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty