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2005-10-17 @ 11:57 p.m.
hi, I'm witty, I'm a crazy cat lady

Gee, I don't know what happened yesterday, I think I was channeling Oprah or something. There I was forgiving everybody from the last 47 years, and then I think I went onto excusing parking tickets, and passing legislation, and possibly even pushing old dead nuns towards sainthood at the Vatican. Who knew I had so much power? Sheesh! And I didn't even get dressed yesterday. I was just wearing my nightgown with the teddy bear holding a candy cane and my purple socks.

Okay, so maybe it was a little PMS. Just an eensy bit. And it was like Day 11 of rain and gray skies. We did have like 12 1/2 minutes of sun on Saturday when I was at work at our group anniversary party. But everyone was busy loading up on free food, which of course, I should have been doing since did I mention? Free food is awesome!!

My company feeds me about 1.6 trillion calories a month. We put food out for all of the groups I co-facilitate, and up until my Empowerment group which started two weeks ago, the food has always largely fatty and sugary. A typical group snack tray includes 1357 pieces of pepperoni, 965 pieces of cheese, 10000 cookies, 12 sodas, and 3 triskets. And naturally I have to eat know, since its FREE!! But I've gained weight since I started there last November, because I have zero self control and because my brain works something like this:

witty sees a big pile of cookies set out for our clients. witty immediately salivates and tries to think of ways to surreptitiously scoop up a dozen cookies while she's trying to look like she's really only eating one. The secret? Shove eleven cookies into her mouth all at once, while she's facing away from the clients, chew furiously, and then turn with a modicum of grace and style and demurely walk back to the table with single smallish cookie and a diet soda. I'm sure they're all impressed. Like, look at witty! Look at that self control! Only one cookie! And a diet soda too! I want to be like her! And then in the meantime, the waistband of my pants is so tight, I'm nearly losing consciousness during group.

Nice going, cookie klepto.

I had my co-workers laughing today when they were getting their restaurant giftcards to take their clients out. Our clientele generally like to eat at junk food places. I hate eating at places like Burger King and McDonalds (well, except for their McFlurries), so I just don't tell them we have giftcards for those places. I only take them to the yuppie grocery store where I can get Chinese food and really bodaciously yummy sub sandwiches. I suppose this is wrong, but in a way, I'm actually helping them be healthier with a wider range of foods, salads and non-fried crap to choose from, but yeah, you got me. witty comes first. Its the law. Heh.

Of course, in my new Empowerment Group, we serve nothing but healthy food. In fact the first week, it was so incredibly healthy, that there was absolutely nothing there I could eat. Damn! Damn that healthy food. Because you see, I'm not a big vegetable eater and it was all veggies. Not even a stray cookie fell off a dish anywhere. At least in the second week, one of the women bought in a miniature loaf of cinnamon bread with currants in it. That wasn't too bad. And surprisingly, the clientele who usually wolfs down all the junk food, was perfectly happy with the healthy stuff.

At least somebody was.

Well, Guardcat and I had a first at our apartment Sunday. It was pretty chilly out and I'm realizing that my apartment windows aren't very winter friendly, so I had my very first fire in my cute little fire place. I was so terrified I'd burn the complex down excited! I've never had my own fireplace before. So I went out on my porch and lifted up my wood box lid and got some wood out. Its almost filled to the top with wood from the previous tenant, so that was exciting! Of course this was the same wood bin that my mother claimed to have gotten poison ivy from, when I first moved here. One day we went and looked in there and she had picked up like a single stick and then gotten severe poison ivy. And naturally I got blamed for it. Or rather my wood bin got blamed, despite the fact that she lives right next to some woods and had been out pulling three leafed plants from around her back patio. But it was definitely the stick from my bin that did it. Yup. Bad wood bin. Bad!

So I gathered everything into my fireplace. Newspapers. Kindling with poison ivy goobers. A couple of small logs. And then set a match to it. Of course there was that initial big whoosh of flames that made me gasp. Like, as God-as-my-witness-what-have-I-done!! But the whole thing died within about three minutes. I re-did this like about 7 time. Match. Whoosh. Flames. Nothing.

So I called The Flame-a-nator, aka, my mother, because I knew she would be thrilled to get in on a little fireplace action. So she told me how to put the newspapers on the bottom. check. Kindling with poison ivy goobers next. check. 2 Logs on top. check. THAT'S WHAT I HAD ALREADY DONE! It did stay lit slightly longer that time because I didn't build it like a teepee like they do on "Survivor". But I was so thrilled with my fire-building skills that I actually took a picture of it, although its in a real camera, so the photographic evidence of my fire-making abilities (which thankfully weren't on the nightly news last night) won't be available until I go down to the One Hour Photo place.

I also had the good fortune to finally go out to lunch with "C" from "A"s group once again this last week. I thought I had messed up because I had been in such a funk this last month, without my car, that after our last lunch date 5 weeks ago, I had never contacted her again. We're still in a kind of fledgling friendship stage right now, so 5 weeks with no contact seemed like the kiss of death, but fortunately we finally got together. Now she's a cat person like I am, so before we met, I e-mailed her and said, "Hey, why don't you bring some pictures of your kitties. I would love to see them." And she's already had the immense pleasure of meeting the magical, mystical Guardcat who even let her pet her. Woo! So when we met at the yuppie grocery store last Thursday, we talked for about an hour and I figured she had blown off the kitty picture idea, but then suddenly she took an envelope out of her purse and I thought, oh, probably a couple of pics of her kitty. But whoa, she had tons of pictures, like 25 or 30 of them. I was laughing to myself...yay, I'm not the only one who takes pictures of their cats flashing their bellies and acting like dorks. And her cats were adorable, so I was sitting there, gushing appropriately.

Yup, two more crazy cat ladies to add to the list.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty