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2005-11-04 @ 10:47 p.m.
its a MALL world after all...

Well, it has certainly been a Day of Twos. Two Days of 60 degree temperatures. Two pounds lost (yay!). Twice that my toilet has been fixed now (lets hope it stays fixed this time). Second time I have canceled my colonoscopy (my mother is ill and I have no one to come and get me afterwards on Monday). Two little beady eyes (it seems that my little mousey-kins has returned. I was watching the news and noticed that Guardcat was acting more spastic than usual, knocking things over elsewhere in the apartment, mewling madly like the little girl Regan in "The Exorcist" and then she came tearing out of the bathroom in hot pursuit of a mouse who naturally had to run under my computer desk. So now, as I type, I have to be conscious, that I may have a guest columnist, if they so choose. The "Life as Witty's Muse" Mouse.

The last Two is really the most annoying one though...the Two-Millionth annoying television commercial regarding something political. Of course our local elections are on Tuesday and we are having an especially snarklicious campaign going on between our two local mayoral candidates, a man and a woman. I don't even really have to mention the third candidate since he doesn't run any commercials because he's probably somebody from the Green Party who wears a hemp suit and smokes doobies. But the two others....well, they both look like they're both from the town of Stepford. They're both blonde, blue eyed lawyers, always impeccably dressed (are you suspicious yet?) and they're both just too perfect looking. You just know they know about some chemical dumping somewhere or that they go to some BDSM club up on the Northside. Something. They're just too squeaky clean.

And its funny, there's some town up north of here that has been totally falling apart politically recently. In the last three months the mayor was arrested for soliciting sex from 14 year olds and the chief of police was busted with a bunch of stolen property. So when I see these ridiculous commercials with these two people pointing fingers at each other over such miniscule things, and accusing each other of lying, it all seems so foolish. Why not just tell people what an ass-kickingly good job you'll do once you get in office?

But what this really all centers on is this big shopping mall that is supposed to be built in our city. They (the mall gods) have been touting this mega-blob for about 5 years. It's supposed to rival the M@ll of America. Whoop-de-doo. I guess there's nothing else to do here in the freakin' winter, if you don't ski. But its always been sort of like the Boy Who Cries Wolf. About every year or so ago, there will be a big media burst proclaiming that our mega-blob is just about to break know, the one that will have: movietheatreswaterparks foodcourtsrestaurantsretail outletsillegaldrugactivitylocationschildrensrides29story parkinglotgardenwaterfalls. And then all the local TV stations will send out film crews and some low level politician, who can't get a date with a 14 year old, will pose with a stupid looking hard hat on and a shovel. This happened several years ago. They had some heavy equipment out in the parking lot of our current mall. It was like a pile driver. While the film crews were there, it pounded in this 25 foot tall steel pole out into the middle of the parking lot. And it was all very phallic exciting!! At Last! Our Mega mall! Its coming! Yay!! Unfortunately that was the last of that. The pole had some fencing around it. Some really important parking was lost and then eventually the pole was removed, since, well, you know, the mall was never built.

There has been so much fighting over this mall, that you just know there has to be kickbacks somewhere, and that has been mentioned in the local mayoral races. Of course its all been kind of sugarcoated. They call them (cough) campaign contributions. But I do find it strange that the big mega blob thing is in full swing right now...during election time. Anyone else find that interesting? Hmmm.

Unfortunately they've been trying to win us over with some of the lamest TV commercials ever. I don't know what advertising agency they hired to promote goodwill to the community, but I made better video productions in junior college 30 years ago.

Probably the one I find the most offensive is one that opens with a picture of Osama bin Laden. Now are you picturing this? They want to sell the idea of a shopping mall to a community, right? So lets see, how do I make people feel all warm and fuzzy? How do I make them feel like they might want to all jump in the car and run down to the mall and walk around and spend money and feel all safe and shit? I know! Show them a picture of one of the most notorious terrorists in the history of the world! Yeah that's it!!

So they open with a picture of our fave, Osama. The voiceover tells us about our old buddy Osama and what a bad guy he is, but have no fear, you don't have to worry our new mall, won't be using any of his icky old OIL to supply power to our cool new mall. Oh no! Our new mall will be powered by its own solar powered panels...

WTF? Huh??

And then we realize its being spoken aloud by a young mother with a little blonde child playing by her side. In other words, ummm. Actually, I don't know what it means. Its so bizarre. Why in the world would you ever bring Osama bin Laden into any conversation about a shopping mall unless he just bombed it. Now I could see the Daily Show doing a sketch about Osama bin Ladan walking out of Old Navy with a bunch of shopping bags or something. But I just don't understand the rationale of the commercial.

So thankfully, the election and all these stupid election commercials will be over shortly. Unfortunately, there is no end in sight for those other incredibly stupid HUGE-cillo car ads which plays endlessly. Is there a subliminal message in there somewhere? Buy cars. Vote for so-and-so. Say yes to the Mega-Blob. Maybe. I just hope that HUGE-cillo and Osama bin Laden aren't in cahoots... because they're both pretty shifty.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty